Archive | April, 2012

My Vegas Predictions

26 Apr

This weekend I will head to Las Vegas carrying a 1-2 record against the city. My losses are mostly due to sunburns, lost money and an underwhelming buffet. My one win was hard fought and revolved around investing in stronger SPF and not playing roulette. Despite movies like the Hangover and highly embellished stories from your raver friends, Vegas isn’t all that wild and unpredictable. In fact, if I could bet on what would happen during my fourth encounter in Vegas, I would be a rich man. The following are my predictions for this weekend. On Monday I will post the actual results of the unhealthy adventure and we will all see how smart and conceited I am.

8:37 PM Friday: Arrive at Treasure Island slightly buzzed with pit stains developing.

8:59 PM Friday: Change into my sexy shirt, head down to Casino and immediately lose $75 @ Craps table.

10:45 PM Friday: Guy in Affliction T-Shirt asks me “What the fuck I’m staring at!”

12:25 AM Saturday: Make out with questionable looking drunk girl.

1:40 AM Saturday: Next “Too Close” is on. Dance in a weird circle with my friends, pit stains appear on my sexy shirt.

3:17 AM Saturday: Make a terrible order @ Denny’s

4:10 AM Saturday: Win $15 dollars in Craps; think I know how to win at Craps.

4:25 AM Saturday: Lose $110 at Craps. Definitely don’t know how to win at Craps.

5:45 AM Saturday: Painful rest.

9:45 AM Saturday: Awoken by friends who convince me to bet actual money on a three team parlay involving the Blue Jays, Coyotes and Royals.

10:30 AM Saturday: Watch first two innings of a Royals game, want to cry and throw up, can’t decide which yet.

11:18 AM Saturday: Go to pool, apply sunscreen, look like a geisha girl, listen to LMFAO.

11:45 AM Saturday: LMFAO is still on, how is this possible?

1:54 PM Saturday: Put $10 on black in Roulette, win. Feel like a fucking king. Buy Pastrami sandwich with my earnings.

4:27 PM Saturday: Buy expensive Aloe Vera, receive word the Blue Jays have lost and drive home sun burnt.

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2012 WNBA Draft Recap!

18 Apr

Welcome to your life of obscurity!

Yes, it’s that time of year again. The time when I break out a sixer of Sutter Home, spark that new Hawaiian Winds candle I bought from the farmer’s market and turn on ESPN2 for one of my favorite events of the year. Sure, my friends give me a hard time and call me hurtful things like “WNBA fan” and “Unemployed,” but they don’t see the beauty in the women’s game like I do.(admittedly it can be hard to see the beauty sometimes with players like this) I will take nuanced subtlety over ornate extravagance any day. A thunderous jam from Lebron excites me, but a crisp pass from Sue Bird takes me out, asks me how my day was and then offers to split the bill, and in the end isn’t that more fulfilling? So I figured the best way to show my love for the game would be to share my thoughts in the form of live updates during the draft. Hopefully by the end you have a new found appreciation for this lovely forgotten game.

9:33 PM Mon: Sutter Home must have added more alcohol because I slept thru the first 9 picks.

9:45 PM Mon: My roommate burns something cooking, smoke alarm goes off and we are forced outside for 10 minutes.

9:57 PM Mon: Sutter Home has made me hungry, I regretfully eat burnt roommate food.

10:04 PM Mon: Log onto Reddit and look at funny cat memes.

10:44 PM Mon: Good lord, I did that for longer than I intended. Yup, the draft is still on. Let’s check in.

10:52 PM Mon: Minnesota takes Jackie Gemelos in the 3rd round. Strong pick I think. Also, fun fact: Gemelos means twins in Spanish.

10:57 PM Mon: Questionable burnt Gyoza has made its way through my defenses and it’s danger time.

11:22 PM Mon: Man this is a long draft, I didn’t know this many girls knew how to play basketball.

11:31 PM Mon: With the last pick in the draft, New York takes Katelan Redmon. Sure that sounds alright. She looks athletic enough but I still think I could beat her one on one.

11:45 PM Mon: Get the idea to fake my way into the WNBA to make money. Watch Juwanna Mann for inspiration.

Well that about wraps up this edition of the WNBA draft. I saw two picks and I’m really, pretty confident they will do kinda alright and enjoy their life of knee injuries and obscurity. I promise to be back next year with more complete coverage, it’s just hard sometimes you know?

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Why Hologram Tupac Freaked Me Out

17 Apr

I love Tupac. I loved him when he was a murderous lunactic in Juice. I loved him when he lived in Marin County (very affluent region of the Bay Area) and still repped Thug Life. I loved him when he refused Janet Jackson’s request for an AIDS test during Poetic Justice. I loved him as a dancer for Digital Underground and I especially loved Tupac when he was shouting that he fucked Biggie’s Bitch in “Hit em Up.” Hologram Tupac? Not so much.
Hologram Pac really freaked me out. As is the case with most technological advances these days, there is a 25% Wow that is so cool how did they do that factor, and a 75% Orwellian, crap my pants want to punch a Software Engineer in their face creepy factor. I reacted the same way when Google recently announced their Glasses Project. “Wow this is so cool…wait….wait no, this is getting creepy…I’m uncomfortable now…and we’re turning it off.” I think a lot of my discomfort came from the fact that Snoop was on stage performing with the hologram.
Despite Hologram Pac rocking Tims and baggy pants (Come on Hologram wardrobe guys, It’s 2012, I think we all wanted to see Pac in skinny jeans and a deep V by now) I was leaning toward the 25%, this is cool factor during his first song when he was solo. Then Snoop slinked on for “2 of Amerika’s Most Wanted” and things got uncomfortable. Snoop meandered thru the duet fine enough, but what the hell was going through his head during that time? Snoop and Pac were very good friends by all accounts, so to have his buddy resurrected in eerily accurate 3-D next to him must have been a real mind fuck.
If I was walking around my neighborhood and a hologram of my dead Labrador Harley appeared next to me, sniffing flowers and pooping everywhere I would freak out and be super uncomfortable. I would curse whichever demon of the underworld brought this spitting image of my old friend back to my side. I certainly wouldn’t be like, “Ahh yeaaaaa Harley’s back! Let’s show ‘em how we do it on the West coast nephew!” I would be angry. I would tear up, and I certainly would have never consented to a hologram version of my dog if someone asked me. Maybe Snoop didn’t have a choice in the matter but I can’t imagine he thoroughly enjoyed the experience, and neither did I.
The rest of the performance I was left to ponder the future of Hip Hop and holograms. First of all, if I was hammered at Coachella and a crazy ass hologram of Tupac appeared on stage, I would have gone NUTS. Now maybe there wasn’t good sound pick up on the video, but the crowd reaction seemed subdued for the most part, which leads me to believe that there is an increasing number of Hip Hop listeners that don’t know Tupac and his music. This makes me sick. I don’t think Hip Hop is dead, and I’m not some curmudgeon of the oldish school that dismisses everything new that comes out just because it has the word “swag” in it, but when Pac is rapping, hologram or not you go NUTS.
We’ve all heard about phoning in performances, but what about hologramming it in? What is to stop artists in the future from recording their sets in some studio or production house and then projecting those performances on stages to audiences around the world? It’s essentially like lip-synching, but with awesome graphics and effects. Would fans pay to see a hologram version of their favorite rapper? A couple more heart attacks and Rick Ross might have to seriously consider this option. I know I wouldn’t pay, but a younger generation might.
My last thought during the show lead me down a dark and twisted path. When this hologram technology becomes available in some app for the Iphone 7, I will use it to play a glorious prank on my roommate. Imagine being fast asleep, snug as a bug under your blankies dreaming the sweetest of dreams. All of a sudden, you are awoken to a hologram of Hitler above your bed addressing a beerhouse full of angry Germans. Oh the possibilities are creepy and endless.

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Spring Break Throwback: Willits Edition

11 Apr

...and also lots of weed

While most College Seniors are planning their epic trip to Cabo, I was convinced to spend four wild days in Willits. For those unfamiliar, Willits is a small town in Northern California that is notable for being small and full of weed (to be fair this can aptly describe any town north of the Bay Area, CA). I like to compare it to the shire from Lord of the Rings, but instead of Hobbits, its inhabitants include ganja farmers and Woody Harrelson type dealers.
With the appropriate iPod playlist at the ready, two friends and I hopped in the whip and reggae free-styled our way up state. We arrived at our destination in high spirits, and pretty much kept those spirits for the next four days. It’s difficult to be a Debbie downer when you’re a guest on a weed farm. The next 96 hours were admittedly a blur, but I remember four things that were way more awesome than anything I could have done in Cabo.

Shooting AK-47: Shooting an AK is like playing a video game. I honestly felt like I was just pressing R2 the entire time. I stood on top of a bluff overlooking the Eel River, and shot the crap out of boulders while laughing softly. It’s creepy how powerful you feel with one of those tucked under your armpit. I pretended I was a Russian guard who finally got the best of Bond and Natalia in the Stacks. It was glorious.

Rafting down the Eel River: Looking back this was pretty sketch. My friend and I literally took turns blowing air into a tiny children’s raft that clearly wasn’t meant for two grown men. With our compromised lung capacity, we failed to properly inflate the raft, but that didn’t stop us. Like a couple of veteran Oregon trailers with no Indians in sight, we chose to cock the raft and float it. We started sinking immediately, the currents were wild and the water freezing, but somehow we navigated that river for 5 minutes with our friends Cyborg dog paddling by our side. Just one of those “I can’t believe this is working moments.”

Racing Through the Woods: Weedy McGee (farm owner) wanted to show us how beautiful the sunset was from the ridge. We were losing light quick, so clearly a dirt bike/ATV race was in order. I was tripping the hardest so I sat bitch on the ATV. Unbeknownst to me, Weedy McGee was born on a dirt bike because he smashed through the woods like Bigfoot on a bender. My friend valiantly tried to keep up, but we hit a steep uphill and ended up flipping the ATV and had to use our Zeus like quads to flip it behind us. Normally, a near fatal ATV crash would stop me in my tracks, but we had a sunset to catch and Weedy McGee was right, it was beautiful.

Playing Every Instrument Ever: Apparently when you run a weed farm you get lonely, and when you get lonely you buy every instrument imaginable. I played no less than 32 instruments in a circular room for 9 hours. I thought I was the shit. Gamelans, Djembes, Obos, it didn’t matter, I awkwardly played them all, high as shit in a dimly lit room.

I have never been back to Willits, and I will never go again. I want to keep my epic senior spring break enshrined in its proper haze of AK’s and questionable river rafting. So if you are off to some sun burnt slosh fest this spring break, kudos my friend, but everyone should have their Willits. Get weird.

Let's avoid being this guy

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6 Hip Hop Lines People Let Slide

10 Apr

Notorious B.I.G. “Me and My Bitch”

“When I met ya I admit my first thoughts was to trick, you look so good huh, I suck on your daddy’s dick.”

Well that’s pretty foul. This is what you lead your verse with? How did Puffy and Junior Mafia not stop you from saying this? I had a friend say he thought Chandler from Friends was cute in 1999 and we haven’t let it go since. Even if I were the janitor at the studio where that song was recorded and knew I would lose my job by telling Biggy what I thought of the line, I would still say something to Biggy about that line! How did this happen? Truly baffling.

Layzie Bone “1st of Da Month”

“Wakin’ up feelin’ buzzed off up early mornin’ stretchin’ I’m yawnin’ lightweight bent chugga lugga take a fifth to the dome.”

Come on Layzie Bone. I refuse to believe you wake up and immediately consume a fifth of alcohol. That’s gross and I’m pretty sure you would black out. There would be no rest of the day to smoke blunts and hang out with the other bones. You would have serious alcohol poisoning. You would spend the first, second and most likely third of da month getting your stomach pumped and paying hospital bills.

Dr. Dre “Still Dre”

“Hit my boys off with jobs, no more living hard barbeques every day driving fancy cars.”

While Dre paints us a utopian scene of shirked duties and splendor, he overlooks the fact that having a BBQ every day would be exhausting and most likely impossible. Everyday Dre? Are you talking about just grilling your food, or actually inviting guests over? I couldn’t imagine constantly checking in with people to see if they are coming to your BBQ and also just being prepared and ready at all times to barbeque. I think by the 4th consecutive day of barbequing Dre’s boys would stop coming over and might even look for a job. I just picture this nightmarish scenario in which Dre’s homies are forced to eat his BBQ for eternity, and if they don’t they lose their fancy cars.

Mystikal “Move Bitch”

“Hit the stage and knock the curtains down, I fuck the crowd up-that’s what I do.”

What a horrible man. Mystikal is telling us that every time he performs he tears down the curtains and fucks the crowd up? Good lord that sounds awful. How does he keep getting gigs? When I listen to this song I imagine an angry Mystikal picking out some unsuspecting fan, leaping into the crowd and pummeling them until they cry, but hey, that’s just what he do.

Nas “Halftime”

“Versatile, my style switches like a faggot, but not bi-sexual, I’m an intellectual.”

This is one of those lines that make you stop listening to the rest of the song and try to figure out what the hell Nas is talking about. First off, Nas isn’t versatile. He is an incredible rapper, but sticks to his gritty Queens street storyteller style for the most part. Then he insinuates that homosexuals switch somehow. Is heterosexual the default setting? I know there was a lot of homophobia in rap in the 90’s, but damn come on Nas, it doesn’t work like that, you’re a smart guy. In fact, he is an intellectual, NOT a bi-sexual. It’s almost as if he realizes his faux-pas mid line, but instead of re-writing it, uses what can only be described as the earliest form of a “no homo” by explaining he is NOT bi-sexual, which everyone knows is sexually the furthest removed you can get from being gay. We got it Nas.

Big Tymers “#1 Stunna”

“[Baby] James Bond, Jackie Chan and that bitch MacGyver. [Wayne] Private planes, Jaguars, Bentleys and Prowlers.”

I laugh really hard every time I hear this hook. What do the Big Tymers have against MacGyver? He is # 1 stunna’ish enough to make it into the trifecta with Bond and Chan, but something about MacGyver makes him a huge bitch in their eyes. I’m guessing mullet and jean jacket pant combo. If I could ask God one question it would be why does Baby from Big Tymers think MacGyver is a bitch. I really want to know. Badly. Honorable mention grossness goes to Weezy for boasting about Jaguars and Plymouth Prowlers. Oh late 90’s rap.

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Google is Turning Idiots into Morons

6 Apr

0:05– Jeans with sandals. An immediate sign that this guy is an idiot.

0:22– Meeting with his friend Paul at a Bookstore. To do what? Read together? Lame.

0:27– Gross eating noise

0:42– Oh man, really? You’re upset about walking two blocks. Grow some quads and get over yourself.

0:55– “Sweet. Remind me to buy tickets to Monsieur Gayno tonight.” Who? Come on dude, you don’t know who that is. Sweet, remind me to shoot myself before I ever go to a Monsieur Gayno show.

1:11 – Of course you go straight to the ukulele section you hipster fuck. I swear to god if you play ukulele by the end of this video…I’ll buy tickets to a Monsieur Gayno show.

1:19– Paul is 402 ft. away. Holy shit that’s creepy. Are you hanging out or setting up a sniper shot?

1:23– Of course Paul is wearing an oversized neck scarf. It’s 58 degrees with a 10% chance of rain Paul, get over yourself.

1:24– “Hey dude!” That high five made me uncomfortable and slightly ashamed to be White.

1:33– Yea check into that fuckin truck. We all want to know.

1:39– Paul looks relieved to leave

1:48– Oh, you’ve come across a piece of graffiti. Don’t forget to instagram it you shit.

1:51– Please share it with your circles. I’m sure Paul, Jess and the rest of your stupid friends want to see a mediocre martini glass.

2:02– Holy shit Jess is fine! Why does she want to meet up with this dude?

2:12– Oh hell no! Is that a ukulele? Are we to believe this dude learned to play “Lovers Carvings” in three hours? Get off the screen.

2:18– “That’s beautiful.” No Jess, You are beautiful. This dude and the Google Glasses: Project Glass We Put Glasses With Fucking Internet on Your Face So You Don’t Ever Have to Be Without Internet is pure EVIL!!!! This is honestly one of the most sickening things I have seen in a while. I realize it is a company’s job to innovate, but give it a break! Do we as a society really think we need to be even more linked in than we already are? I really hope this is just a prototype and there end up being millions of problems with this product and it never sees the light of day, because if I even see one pair of these what I can only assume will be black frame internet glasses on the face of some smug, stubbly idiot reading a book on how to play the ukulele, I will destroy them. Word is bond.

Break yo'self for your Google Glasses

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5 Scenarios When It’s OK to Ask For Another Guy’s Number

5 Apr

Do I really need to preface this with a no homo? Fine, no homo, but it can be hard to move to a new place where you don’t have any friends, especially a core group of bros with whom you can rage, rip and reminisce with. It’s our duty as guys to pester and gently harass a girl until we get her number, but getting another guy’s number can be tricky, and what’s the point of getting a girl’s digits without your best bro there to rate her and give you a high five after? The following is a list of five scenarios in which it is appropriate to ask for another man’s phone number:

Hey Bro, Nice Outfit.

Basketball Buddy– After a few games you can start with a nice compliment like, “Sweet jumper bro,” or “Man, you’re a real beast down low.” You want to avoid chest bumps, butt slaps and complicated handshakes as the slightest miscalculation can lead to d touching. If the dude responds to your advances, then by all means let him know that you play every weekend, or want to start a Tuesday night league or would love to play some horse for money sometime. If he does not respond, he thinks you are a big joke and does not respect your game. This is fine, move on down the line to the dude with the next sweetest jump shot and try again. You’ll have enough for 5 on 5 in no time.

We refuse to go all in!

Poker Night– I guess people are still playing poker. I know I stopped in College after I lost $40, two good friends and a chance to sleep with a beautiful girl all in one brutally long night where everyone refused to go all in. Nevertheless, it still stands as a very manly activity and seems to be a legit way to gather the troops, drink brews, and talk shit about girls and sports. It is assumed that all men know how to play a little poker, so if an invitation to play is rejected it means the declining dude is either stingy or a pussy. Neither look is good for a potential friend.

Ha, ve are having so much fun killing Nazis!

Videogame Sesh– Entire weekends used to be spent as children setting proximity mines in a facility in GoldenEye and shroom boosting thru tricky chicanes in Mariokart. Although the games have changed, the murderous rage still boils deep within. Some guys will claim that they don’t enjoy videogames, and that might be the adult thing to say, but what the hell is wrong with them? I dare you to play Call of Duty and murder hundreds and hundreds of Nazis with rocket launchers and not crack a smile, or score three unanswered goals in FIFA ’12 to win in the 90th minute and watch your friend well up with tears. Videogames are a great way to share some laughs and develop a friendly rivalry.

I never wanted to do thisssssss!!

Cliff Jumping– Nothing like warm bud lights and the local meth head population cheering you on. “Fucking jump already!” You might be a Eunuch if a guy asks you to go cliff jumping, and you refuse. Despite my terrible Jeff Foxworthy impression, I’m kind of being serious. I don’t even like cliff jumping. Not even the idea appeals to me, but it has become the ultimate measuring stick for a guy’s schvienstieger. The higher the cliff the better. The sketchier the take off and the gnarlier the landing area, the sweeter of a bro you become. If you can bust a gainer, a hushed silence will fall over the quarry. Cliff jumping is one of the last bastions of pure peer pressure. There are so many reasons not to jump off a cliff, and yet when a dude invites you to hurl your body 60 feet into an icy cold pond with jagged rocks, you do it.

There is literally not a single girl here.

General Boozing and Hounddoggery– This is a risky invite and should always be prefaced with a clear intent to “holler at girls” or help out with your new home brewing kit. Just grabbing beers doesn’t quite cut it for a first time hangout. Even if there aren’t any girls in sight, you guys can still talk about what you would hypothetically do to a girl or say to them if they were there.

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9 Players You See on Pick-Up Basketball Courts

2 Apr

So old and strong

Old Man– He is quite the spectacle to behold. From his bony knees and elbows to his fantastically gross hook shots from long range that always seem to go in, he keeps you honest and makes you really glad you aren’t that old yet. When he isn’t making incomprehensible old man exhaustion noises, he is quick to remind you how to play defense and what basketball was like with no three point line.

Chances of Winning: Crap Shoot. For all his apparent weaknesses, let’s not discount old man strength. It is very real and science has yet to prove why.

Sweat Machine– Pray to God you don’t guard this dude. His shirt is soaked through by the time the ball is checked. By game two it looks like he has a season pass to raging waters and forgot his towel.

Chances of Winning: High. If Sweat Machine is on your team you are golden. No one wants to guard some guy who looks like he just got slimed on a Nickelodeon game show.

Lorax– Drunken bums add a certain excitement to the game. They smell, they curse and employ interesting defensive tactics like dropping trout mid play. There is no way to avoid the Lorax because often times he makes his home in the park you play at.

Chances of Winning: Pack it in. If you start to smell Gilby’s vodka, the Lorax is near. Miss your free throw shot and sit this one out or go home. He is going to be the coach, point guard, commentator and crazy person all in one. You won’t touch the ball and you might even have your 5th metatarsal broken as he slams into you screaming about bagels.

High Guy– It’s difficult to tell what the High Guy is actually on, but his eyes are glossy and he generally responds with only head nods. His movements are erratic and he has a hard time catching passes.

Chances of Winning: Slim. Although he is sometimes capable of incredible feats of inexplicable basketball beauty, High Guy generally misses very badly and lacks the stamina to get back on D.

High Schooler in Vans– This kid is usually on his High School Varsity team and mocks everyone on the court older than 18 by wearing flimsy skateboard shoes. While most guys’ ankles are one unimpressive lateral cut away from reconstructive surgery, this joker scampers around the court like he’s never heard of arch support.

Chances of Winning: Medium. While usually one of the most athletic players on the court, the high schooler in vans can sometimes be too cool for school as evidenced by him wearing FUCKING VANS TO PLAY BASKETBALL!

The Accessorizer– He’s got a sleeve, headband, authentic jersey, mouth guard and neck tattoo, and he works at P.F. Changs. Wait, so you aren’t in the NBA and you wear all that shit seriously?

Chances of Winning: Stay away from this dude. He will take countless “NBA range” 3’s throughout the game, try behind the back passes that either hit your shoes or face and then gets mad at you for missing a reasonable 10 foot jumper.

Little Dude– Get this kid off the court. Where are the parents? Unless I’m getting paid the going baby sitter rate, I’m not trying to play with anyone under 12.

Jeremy Lin Inspired Asians– Up until 4 months ago this would have just been titled, “Asians.” I have played with plenty of talented Asians, but after Linsanity blew up, their swag is through the roof. Half court shots, 360 degree dunk attempts, and timeouts are all possibilities nowadays.

Chances of Winning: I love Linsanity, but cool the jets boys. I understand the excitement. I have been waiting for the great white hope ever since I saw the Coaches’ son hit the game winning shot for Valparaiso in 1998. All we’ve gotten since is Greg Ostertag and I’m not happy about it.

Ref Player– No one cares if you googled ‘NBA rulebook.’ No one cares if you went to Todd Bozeman and Ben Braun basketball camp and have NBA season ticket because you are a “student of the game.” WE ARENT IN THE NBA!! We are at a Middle School in Burbank with an ice cream truck that won’t shut up. Stop calling traveling, fouls, and 1’s, carries, jump balls and goaltending. Just stop.

Chances of Winning: Real good. The Ref player will argue and whine his way into more possessions and probably the W, if someone doesn’t knock him out first.

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