Tag Archives: basketball

2012 WNBA Draft Recap!

18 Apr

Welcome to your life of obscurity!

Yes, it’s that time of year again. The time when I break out a sixer of Sutter Home, spark that new Hawaiian Winds candle I bought from the farmer’s market and turn on ESPN2 for one of my favorite events of the year. Sure, my friends give me a hard time and call me hurtful things like “WNBA fan” and “Unemployed,” but they don’t see the beauty in the women’s game like I do.(admittedly it can be hard to see the beauty sometimes with players like this) I will take nuanced subtlety over ornate extravagance any day. A thunderous jam from Lebron excites me, but a crisp pass from Sue Bird takes me out, asks me how my day was and then offers to split the bill, and in the end isn’t that more fulfilling? So I figured the best way to show my love for the game would be to share my thoughts in the form of live updates during the draft. Hopefully by the end you have a new found appreciation for this lovely forgotten game.

9:33 PM Mon: Sutter Home must have added more alcohol because I slept thru the first 9 picks.

9:45 PM Mon: My roommate burns something cooking, smoke alarm goes off and we are forced outside for 10 minutes.

9:57 PM Mon: Sutter Home has made me hungry, I regretfully eat burnt roommate food.

10:04 PM Mon: Log onto Reddit and look at funny cat memes.

10:44 PM Mon: Good lord, I did that for longer than I intended. Yup, the draft is still on. Let’s check in.

10:52 PM Mon: Minnesota takes Jackie Gemelos in the 3rd round. Strong pick I think. Also, fun fact: Gemelos means twins in Spanish.

10:57 PM Mon: Questionable burnt Gyoza has made its way through my defenses and it’s danger time.

11:22 PM Mon: Man this is a long draft, I didn’t know this many girls knew how to play basketball.

11:31 PM Mon: With the last pick in the draft, New York takes Katelan Redmon. Sure that sounds alright. She looks athletic enough but I still think I could beat her one on one.

11:45 PM Mon: Get the idea to fake my way into the WNBA to make money. Watch Juwanna Mann for inspiration.

Well that about wraps up this edition of the WNBA draft. I saw two picks and I’m really, pretty confident they will do kinda alright and enjoy their life of knee injuries and obscurity. I promise to be back next year with more complete coverage, it’s just hard sometimes you know?

5 Scenarios When It’s OK to Ask For Another Guy’s Number

5 Apr

Do I really need to preface this with a no homo? Fine, no homo, but it can be hard to move to a new place where you don’t have any friends, especially a core group of bros with whom you can rage, rip and reminisce with. It’s our duty as guys to pester and gently harass a girl until we get her number, but getting another guy’s number can be tricky, and what’s the point of getting a girl’s digits without your best bro there to rate her and give you a high five after? The following is a list of five scenarios in which it is appropriate to ask for another man’s phone number:

Hey Bro, Nice Outfit.

Basketball Buddy– After a few games you can start with a nice compliment like, “Sweet jumper bro,” or “Man, you’re a real beast down low.” You want to avoid chest bumps, butt slaps and complicated handshakes as the slightest miscalculation can lead to d touching. If the dude responds to your advances, then by all means let him know that you play every weekend, or want to start a Tuesday night league or would love to play some horse for money sometime. If he does not respond, he thinks you are a big joke and does not respect your game. This is fine, move on down the line to the dude with the next sweetest jump shot and try again. You’ll have enough for 5 on 5 in no time.

We refuse to go all in!

Poker Night– I guess people are still playing poker. I know I stopped in College after I lost $40, two good friends and a chance to sleep with a beautiful girl all in one brutally long night where everyone refused to go all in. Nevertheless, it still stands as a very manly activity and seems to be a legit way to gather the troops, drink brews, and talk shit about girls and sports. It is assumed that all men know how to play a little poker, so if an invitation to play is rejected it means the declining dude is either stingy or a pussy. Neither look is good for a potential friend.

Ha, ve are having so much fun killing Nazis!

Videogame Sesh– Entire weekends used to be spent as children setting proximity mines in a facility in GoldenEye and shroom boosting thru tricky chicanes in Mariokart. Although the games have changed, the murderous rage still boils deep within. Some guys will claim that they don’t enjoy videogames, and that might be the adult thing to say, but what the hell is wrong with them? I dare you to play Call of Duty and murder hundreds and hundreds of Nazis with rocket launchers and not crack a smile, or score three unanswered goals in FIFA ’12 to win in the 90th minute and watch your friend well up with tears. Videogames are a great way to share some laughs and develop a friendly rivalry.

I never wanted to do thisssssss!!

Cliff Jumping– Nothing like warm bud lights and the local meth head population cheering you on. “Fucking jump already!” You might be a Eunuch if a guy asks you to go cliff jumping, and you refuse. Despite my terrible Jeff Foxworthy impression, I’m kind of being serious. I don’t even like cliff jumping. Not even the idea appeals to me, but it has become the ultimate measuring stick for a guy’s schvienstieger. The higher the cliff the better. The sketchier the take off and the gnarlier the landing area, the sweeter of a bro you become. If you can bust a gainer, a hushed silence will fall over the quarry. Cliff jumping is one of the last bastions of pure peer pressure. There are so many reasons not to jump off a cliff, and yet when a dude invites you to hurl your body 60 feet into an icy cold pond with jagged rocks, you do it.

There is literally not a single girl here.

General Boozing and Hounddoggery– This is a risky invite and should always be prefaced with a clear intent to “holler at girls” or help out with your new home brewing kit. Just grabbing beers doesn’t quite cut it for a first time hangout. Even if there aren’t any girls in sight, you guys can still talk about what you would hypothetically do to a girl or say to them if they were there.

9 Players You See on Pick-Up Basketball Courts

2 Apr

So old and strong

Old Man– He is quite the spectacle to behold. From his bony knees and elbows to his fantastically gross hook shots from long range that always seem to go in, he keeps you honest and makes you really glad you aren’t that old yet. When he isn’t making incomprehensible old man exhaustion noises, he is quick to remind you how to play defense and what basketball was like with no three point line.

Chances of Winning: Crap Shoot. For all his apparent weaknesses, let’s not discount old man strength. It is very real and science has yet to prove why.

Sweat Machine– Pray to God you don’t guard this dude. His shirt is soaked through by the time the ball is checked. By game two it looks like he has a season pass to raging waters and forgot his towel.

Chances of Winning: High. If Sweat Machine is on your team you are golden. No one wants to guard some guy who looks like he just got slimed on a Nickelodeon game show.

Lorax– Drunken bums add a certain excitement to the game. They smell, they curse and employ interesting defensive tactics like dropping trout mid play. There is no way to avoid the Lorax because often times he makes his home in the park you play at.

Chances of Winning: Pack it in. If you start to smell Gilby’s vodka, the Lorax is near. Miss your free throw shot and sit this one out or go home. He is going to be the coach, point guard, commentator and crazy person all in one. You won’t touch the ball and you might even have your 5th metatarsal broken as he slams into you screaming about bagels.

High Guy– It’s difficult to tell what the High Guy is actually on, but his eyes are glossy and he generally responds with only head nods. His movements are erratic and he has a hard time catching passes.

Chances of Winning: Slim. Although he is sometimes capable of incredible feats of inexplicable basketball beauty, High Guy generally misses very badly and lacks the stamina to get back on D.

High Schooler in Vans– This kid is usually on his High School Varsity team and mocks everyone on the court older than 18 by wearing flimsy skateboard shoes. While most guys’ ankles are one unimpressive lateral cut away from reconstructive surgery, this joker scampers around the court like he’s never heard of arch support.

Chances of Winning: Medium. While usually one of the most athletic players on the court, the high schooler in vans can sometimes be too cool for school as evidenced by him wearing FUCKING VANS TO PLAY BASKETBALL!

The Accessorizer– He’s got a sleeve, headband, authentic jersey, mouth guard and neck tattoo, and he works at P.F. Changs. Wait, so you aren’t in the NBA and you wear all that shit seriously?

Chances of Winning: Stay away from this dude. He will take countless “NBA range” 3’s throughout the game, try behind the back passes that either hit your shoes or face and then gets mad at you for missing a reasonable 10 foot jumper.

Little Dude– Get this kid off the court. Where are the parents? Unless I’m getting paid the going baby sitter rate, I’m not trying to play with anyone under 12.

Jeremy Lin Inspired Asians– Up until 4 months ago this would have just been titled, “Asians.” I have played with plenty of talented Asians, but after Linsanity blew up, their swag is through the roof. Half court shots, 360 degree dunk attempts, and timeouts are all possibilities nowadays.

Chances of Winning: I love Linsanity, but cool the jets boys. I understand the excitement. I have been waiting for the great white hope ever since I saw the Coaches’ son hit the game winning shot for Valparaiso in 1998. All we’ve gotten since is Greg Ostertag and I’m not happy about it.

Ref Player– No one cares if you googled ‘NBA rulebook.’ No one cares if you went to Todd Bozeman and Ben Braun basketball camp and have NBA season ticket because you are a “student of the game.” WE ARENT IN THE NBA!! We are at a Middle School in Burbank with an ice cream truck that won’t shut up. Stop calling traveling, fouls, and 1’s, carries, jump balls and goaltending. Just stop.

Chances of Winning: Real good. The Ref player will argue and whine his way into more possessions and probably the W, if someone doesn’t knock him out first.