Part Time Soccer Coach 3-6 Year Olds- Unless you are born in the favelas of Rio, you have no business playing soccer at three years old, which means no one has any business coaching either. I’ve never seen any 3-6 year old do anything coordinated, so the idea of coaching a group of misfits like this seems better suited for a terrible Adam Sandler comedy (is there any other kind at this point?). While yelling at a group of toddlers and watching them stumble around like a baby giraffe is amusing, it also seems like an incredible waste of time for almost no money.
Become a Dove Chocolatier! – Dove Chocolates is looking for Chocolatiers to join their growing community. A Chocolatier is someone who “earns extra income by hosting in-home chocolate tasting parties!” Or in other words, you allow strangers into your home to eat chocolate. Who is doing this? Has a single person ever signed up to host a chocolatier party Dove? I need answers. This sounds awful. I barely enjoy hosting a party for my close friends, so the thought of multiple strangers coming over to your house for the sole purposes of sampling Dove chocolate is extremely disturbing. How sketchy would it be if just one dude came over? One chocolate obsessed lunatic knocks on your door because for some reason he is incapable of buying his own chocolate and eating it at his own place. This is almost too bonkers to comprehend, and the fact that someone on Dove’s marketing team received a paycheck for suggesting this idea is very upsetting.
Overnight Kennel Attendant – Good lord this just sounds terrible. To be locked in a room with a bunch of sad and angry dogs contemplating their impeding execution, while at the same time pondering your own invariable life of mediocrity is just…terrible.
Musicians – Dust off your recorders and re-learn “Mary Had a Little Lamb” because you might be a rock star sooner than you think. There is no mention in the post whether the person wants to start a band or plays an instrument himself. Is he just curious how many people play instruments in the LA area, and based on responses he may or may not pursue a music career? Sketchballs written all over it. Or shitty Indie band audition.
Sperm Donor – Now this one is tempting, but it brings up a whole mess of moral questions, mostly dealing with how attractive the recipient of your sperm is. No one wants to ghost father with a haggard. Also, the potential for an awkward situation running into your offspring 20 years down the road is frightening. Jacking off for money is pretty boss though. I might look into this one.
Exciting New Opportunity in Marketing!!!– Psyche!! We’re a scam! Wasn’t that a fun waste of time?!
East Indian, Korean, or Chinese Egg Donor – East Indian Egg. Ha!
Social Media Whatever- Do you like the social medias!? Are you good at posting shit on Facebook!? You like Tweets and shit!? Are you tech savvy? Like, can you log onto the internets and CC people on emails!? Cool. Can you live in a large city on $25 k/year with no benefits?!! No? That’s ok your job is really important, cause metrics tell us that the internets is super important!!
Very Serious Barista 