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Tag Archives: relationships
The oft forgotten yet always there
Whose intentions made clear with vicious stares
The proud may fight and suffer terrible fates
When they meet the haggards at the gate
-A Fallen Hero
Basketball Buddy– After a few games you can start with a nice compliment like, “Sweet jumper bro,” or “Man, you’re a real beast down low.” You want to avoid chest bumps, butt slaps and complicated handshakes as the slightest miscalculation can lead to d touching. If the dude responds to your advances, then by all means let him know that you play every weekend, or want to start a Tuesday night league or would love to play some horse for money sometime. If he does not respond, he thinks you are a big joke and does not respect your game. This is fine, move on down the line to the dude with the next sweetest jump shot and try again. You’ll have enough for 5 on 5 in no time.
Poker Night– I guess people are still playing poker. I know I stopped in College after I lost $40, two good friends and a chance to sleep with a beautiful girl all in one brutally long night where everyone refused to go all in. Nevertheless, it still stands as a very manly activity and seems to be a legit way to gather the troops, drink brews, and talk shit about girls and sports. It is assumed that all men know how to play a little poker, so if an invitation to play is rejected it means the declining dude is either stingy or a pussy. Neither look is good for a potential friend.
Videogame Sesh– Entire weekends used to be spent as children setting proximity mines in a facility in GoldenEye and shroom boosting thru tricky chicanes in Mariokart. Although the games have changed, the murderous rage still boils deep within. Some guys will claim that they don’t enjoy videogames, and that might be the adult thing to say, but what the hell is wrong with them? I dare you to play Call of Duty and murder hundreds and hundreds of Nazis with rocket launchers and not crack a smile, or score three unanswered goals in FIFA ’12 to win in the 90th minute and watch your friend well up with tears. Videogames are a great way to share some laughs and develop a friendly rivalry.
Cliff Jumping– Nothing like warm bud lights and the local meth head population cheering you on. “Fucking jump already!” You might be a Eunuch if a guy asks you to go cliff jumping, and you refuse. Despite my terrible Jeff Foxworthy impression, I’m kind of being serious. I don’t even like cliff jumping. Not even the idea appeals to me, but it has become the ultimate measuring stick for a guy’s schvienstieger. The higher the cliff the better. The sketchier the take off and the gnarlier the landing area, the sweeter of a bro you become. If you can bust a gainer, a hushed silence will fall over the quarry. Cliff jumping is one of the last bastions of pure peer pressure. There are so many reasons not to jump off a cliff, and yet when a dude invites you to hurl your body 60 feet into an icy cold pond with jagged rocks, you do it.
General Boozing and Hounddoggery– This is a risky invite and should always be prefaced with a clear intent to “holler at girls” or help out with your new home brewing kit. Just grabbing beers doesn’t quite cut it for a first time hangout. Even if there aren’t any girls in sight, you guys can still talk about what you would hypothetically do to a girl or say to them if they were there.
Early Bird Gets the Sex
5 Feb
It’s 2:15 AM. You double click your keys to unlock your modest midsize sedan. You try to focus your vision thru the slightly fogged windshield. Your last call whiskey soda put you .05 over the legal limit. A date, lover, girlfriend, hussy plops into the passenger seat and tells you to turn on the heat. You are holding in farts.
You arrive at her two-bedroom apartment. You wonder if her roommate is finer than her. It’s quarter to 3 because parking is terrible. Her living area smells of pomelo and citrus, but don’t second-guess why you know this. Her room is surprisingly messy. Everything you thought about girls being cleaner than guys is an illusion now. You kiss her. You have to poop.
In her most seductive voice, she asks you to fuck her. You hold in a burp as the night’s dinner is still clashing with the Jameson and IPA. You silently oblige, and unhook your belt, while you take one last look over at the nightstand. 3:30 AM. You tell your insides to shut the hell up and cooperate. You imagine your dick as Thor, conqueror of women and worlds, able to shoot lightning from its tip and render mortals and gossips speechless. Your abs hurt from clenching.
She falls asleep because it is her bed and she is in familiar territory. You are overheating because she has a duvet cover and too many pillows. You try to stick one leg out in an attempt to counter balance the temperature, but alas the covers are too well insulated. You drift in and out of consciousness, stomach still unsettled, your arm trapped under her dead weight. Big spoon problems.
At first light, you sneak out to the adjacent bathroom. You hope for a fan, if there is no fan or it’s not loud enough, you put on Two Chainz Pandora radio at mid to high volume to mask the trombonery. You aim for speed, but without the velocity to stain porcelain. It is uncomfortable and the reading material is sub-par. You wonder why you held it for so long. As you put back on your clothes and tell her goodbye, you start to question many things.
On the car ride home you think how much easier it would have been to just take a crap at her apartment and then resumed activity. You wonder why it’s so taboo to poo. You also consider not staying out until closing time, which not only cuts down on drink costs, but also maximizes energy and agility. You wonder if you are getting lame or smart. You decide it’s a combination of the two and happily accept your fate.
The 7 First Dates
17 Jul
Much like there are only 7 plots to a story, there are only 7 first dates you can go on. I wish it wasn’t true, but the cold, hard and damp facts are that we don’t usually care enough about someone on a first date to really impress them so we recycle these tired outings out of convenience and lethargy. I have had the exhaustive pleasure of sampling these ideas and I’m here to tell you the pros and cons of the unimaginative, lazy man’s first date. Feel free to stray from the norm, but lets be honest, you’re the norm.
Coffee- A.KA. Who can cork their doo-doo longer?
Pros: Cheap. Can lead to something else after. You get a good idea of what the person looks like in the daytime and how well they converse. It’s an easy out for both parties if things aren’t going well.
Cons: It’s daytime, so if you’re gunning for a hit and run, you’re bummed. Do you like chatting? Good! Cause you’re going to chat your face off! You’ll learn more about this girl’s cat, parent’s divorce, why she prefers Bradley Coops to The Gosling and other super interesting tid bits that you never really wanted to know.
Grab a Drink- A.K.A. I’d bone you and never call A.K.A. I’m going to need help to get thru this.
Pros: Forget concealer, foundation, rouge, eyeliner and lipstick. All both of us need is a little dim lighting. If dim lighting could be packaged and sold I would be super rich. Watch out Sephora! If dim lighting had a bestie, it would be alcohol. These two buds work some pretty awesome magic. Also, there is more of a chance to use the line, “Do you want to get out of here?” which we all know is douche shiek.
Cons: Sometimes alcohol overpowers lighting and your drunk personality is far grosser than slight pudge or crooked teeth. It’s usually loud and difficult to talk, so if you like to scream at a face, you’re in the clear. Drinks can be pricey, especially if you’re a stand up guy and foot the bill.
Hiking – A.K.A. I want to see you in Yoga pants
Pros: Both can display athleticism and coordination. Exercise releases endorphins, which makes one prone to bone. Wilderness lends itself to intimate chats. LULU LEMONS!!!!!
Cons: Watching girls do sports related activities can sometimes be brutal. Lots of huffing, puffing and back sweat. Too tired to do anything after.
Bowling, Pool, Mini Golf- A.K.A If you suck at these AND aren’t cute about it its over.
Pros: Brings out competitive nature in both. You get an opportunity to see if she can talk some shit and take it. There are classic opportunities to “teach” her how to bowl, putt, and hold the cue, which is really just an excuse to get handsy.
Cons: If the girl beats you it’s pretty depressing. Like you can try to play it off and act like you don’t care, but if you have any pride it will most likely haunt you for some time and effect your self-confidence. Conversely, if you are overly competitive and weird about beating her, she might think you are trying to humiliate her and get turned off. You will deny your intent, but every one knows you’re out for the W.
Dinner and a Movie- A.K.A. The snooze off.
Pros: You get to eat
Cons: Shit is boring
Go to a Show- A.K.A. I’m cultured and stuff
Pros: Potential to dance and see if she’s got some moves. Shows you have good taste and know about cool things.
Cons: If you are bad at dancing she will think you are bad at sex. If you have bad arch support you will be uncomfortable. If the music sucks you will have a bad time. Pretty bad idea actually.
Netflix Night- A.K.A I don’t really want to watch Downtown Abbey with You, but we can bone.
Pros: Get to watch an award winning show and maybe makeout or something.
Cons: Your advances are thwarted and you realize this a terrible mistake. Not only are you firmly placed into the friend zone, but now you are forced to watch British people in costume talk for an hour. Just terrible.
6 Ways to Her Heart
4 JunDisclaimer: I’ve never made my way to a girl’s heart
Food- There is a fine line between a foodie and feeder. You don’t need to have some twisted sexual fetish involving obese women or have to know why the chef at Alummete chose to open his own food truck after 10 years, but take some interest in food. Take her out to try new restaurants, or if you’re poor, learn how to cook something besides pasta with sauce. Girls love to eat, but don’t ever want to feel gluttonous. Go ahead and be a fatty with them once and a while. Now that’s a recipe for her heart!
Sex- Don’t be terrible. You don’t have to be Ray J from the Kim K sex tapes, but generally speaking just have confidence. No jack hammering, no incessant questioning, “Do you like this?” and always keep her pleasure in mind. Here is a simple rubric.
Man cums first + Goes to Bed= Bad/Girl Talks lots of Shit
Man cums first + Works hard to make girl cum = OK-Good
Woman cums first + Man Does Not = Never Happened/Hearsay
Woman cums first + Man cums After = Great
Woman + Man Cum @ same time = Twinsies!
Smile- Girls love this shit. A nice smile is better than any pick up line out there. Don’t have a creepy smile. Smile in the mirror to make sure you aren’t a creep or have too much aggressive glint in your eyes. Smile! Unless you are a brooding musician who hides his pain well, Smile! ☺
Grammar– Apparently all women are TEFL certified and sticklers for proper usage. They will abbrieve and emogi all day long, but god help you if you don’t know the difference between its and it’s or there, their, and they’re. I bet you didn’t know apostrophes were deal breakers, well they are. If you are confused, head down to your local community college and enroll in Grammar 101, and you will be capturing there hearts….they’re hearts? Ther….fuck.
Travel– Who’s the hottest woman with a passport you know? Nope, not your Mom, it’s Carmen San Diego. Women love the idea and fantasy of travel. You don’t have to drop 2 g’s on a trip to Paris, but head at least 2 hours out of town and you’ll be eat, pray, loving all night long!
Haggards at the Gate
23 May
Their Magic is Strong
Whose intentions made clear with vicious stares
The proud may fight and suffer terrible fates
When they meet the haggards at the gate
-A Fallen Hero
When you are a single guy out for a night on the town you must be a warrior. You must be prepared for battle in any form it manifests. I have conquered the unexpected stomach grumblers of the south and retreated to a nearby Chinese restaurant to re strategize. I have danced the forbidden “dance of the largess” and escaped with only mild B.O. and a phone number. I’ve engaged in the perpetual banter of the witty and come out exhausted but unscathed. My banner men (bros?) who fight bravely with me in the field would lavish me with praise and speak to my fealty and pretty sweet dance moves. There is one enemy, however, one battle I have yet to figure out or emerge victorious from. I speak of the haggards at the gate.
The haggards are a proud group. Undeservedly so, but proud nonetheless. They guard their attractive friends with a passion and bloodlust that renders most warriors useless. Depending on the rabid nature of a particular haggard, one may spend as few as twenty seconds or as long as an entire evening trying to marginalize their presence. On certain nights the numbers are in your favor. With a stirring enough whiskey induced battle cry, you might convince a fellow warrior to “jump on the grenade,” “fall on the battle axe,” or as it should be known “just generally have a bad night with an ugly girl.” Other nights you are outnumbered. Your banner men may be tired and resort to comment making in the corner or talk about how good In and Out sounds. You are forced to go rogue and face the haggard’s’ treachery head on.
Treachery behind those smiles
During my last encounter I was ten minutes into a delightful yell-off at a club with a Hawaiian treat when it happened.
“Where are you from?”
“What are you doing here?”
“Why do you dance like that?”
“Do you come here often?”
“Isn’t this place so random?”
Fuck off! Back you haggards! Back I say. But there magic was strong. Dances were interrupted, bathroom breaks were taken, whispering sessions were had and one was bold enough to back up her formidable and unshapely rump on my increasingly flaccid long sword. The night ended with quesadillas and light creeping on the book, not quite how I drew up the battle plan.
Their attractive friend is in the middle somewhere. So tough.
So congratulations haggards on another battle well fought. You saved your friend for another night, from what I’m not sure. Nobody wins in this situation, unless you count grinding your sweaty back against me for the entirety to “Make it Nasty.” Are you really hoping I will make an egregious error in judgment and choose/jump/fall on you over a Hawaiian treat? This is not college, my nocturnal tastes are too discerning. I know we will continue to meet in battle, but it is my wish and great hope that one day I will approach the gates and not have to draw my sword in such haste. That I will be shown respect for my courage and wished well on my arduous journey that lies ahead. Until we meet again…
– Another Fallen Hero
5 Scenarios When It’s OK to Ask For Another Guy’s Number
5 AprDo I really need to preface this with a no homo? Fine, no homo, but it can be hard to move to a new place where you don’t have any friends, especially a core group of bros with whom you can rage, rip and reminisce with. It’s our duty as guys to pester and gently harass a girl until we get her number, but getting another guy’s number can be tricky, and what’s the point of getting a girl’s digits without your best bro there to rate her and give you a high five after? The following is a list of five scenarios in which it is appropriate to ask for another man’s phone number:
Hey Bro, Nice Outfit.
We refuse to go all in!
Ha, ve are having so much fun killing Nazis!
I never wanted to do thisssssss!!
There is literally not a single girl here.
Very Serious Barista 