After a brief trip to a museum this past weekend, it has come to my attention that most galleries are filled with portraits of old whites. I’m no art critic, but I am rather well versed in Old Whites, so this revelation inspired me to develop advanced criteria in judging these paintings to the best of my abilities.
Pose – He is hunched and close lipped. He appears very sickly and has chosen for some reason to splay his hands in an uninviting manner, as if he intends to play a creepy piano piece on his knees.
Color – The most prominent use of color in this piece is of course the old white of the subject, however, due to what looks to be the early stages of jaundice, the subject takes on a slight yellow hue, which detracts from the overall piece.
Strokemanship – I have no qualms with the brushstrokes here guys. This is par for the neoclassic course, but the background color reminds me of the bland topes and off whites used in some yearbook photos. In fact, this painting might very well represent that. One can easily imagine a disgruntled and jowly professor of metallurgy limping into a stale classroom and demanding everyone turn to page 22 of their textbooks.
Grade A+ While one may find technical holes in this piece, or even say it lacks inspiration or a certain je ne sais quoi, the very important fact remains that the subject is an old white, and everyone can see that.
Very Serious Barista 