Archive | August, 2012

My Favorite Foreign Music Videos

24 Aug

PSY- Gangnam Style

For a stout South Korean he sure has a lot of pep in his step. No, the catchy hook does not say, “bang her condom style,” although that would be a wonderfully effective safe sex campaign. This video has been hitting the internets hard and deservedly so. It’s a fun song with a lot of humor. Here is my top 3 moments

0:48- PSY wrapped in childish towel resting his head on another man, watching another man pop and lock.

1:39- PSY screaming at the girl in blue shorts. We have all felt like this. Some times a booty presents itself that is so indescribably dope that we must release a bit of carnal rage.

1:50- 2:05– Dance off! Are we supposed to know the dude in yellow? Is it a sly shout out for Korean music fans? Why does that man in the elevator make me so uncomfortable? Best part for me is after the dude in yellow clearly loses the dance off; he gets back in his Mercedes and throws up the deuces like he won.

Major Lazer- Pon De Floor

I recently found out that Eric Warheim of Tim and Eric fame directed this gem. That sheds a little more light on why this is so fucking weird, but it is really hard to properly deconstruct a cartoon orgy. Again, what makes this so great is the inventive theme combined with a great song.

0:10– Why does bizzaro Wesley Snipes look so sketchy? You know damn well that your friends are already in the house acting like perved out sex fiends, and you can’t wait to join them. Quit looking around all suspicious like.

2:08- Bizzaro Snipes showcases some serious pommel horse type moves on, over and around one of the haggard’s formidable behinds. If the fat booty pommel horse were an event at the Olympics, this dude would be in the running for gold. Let’s make this happen for Rio 2016!

2:29- I could have gone with Bizzaro Snipes jumping off the top rung of the ladder with his pants falling down onto a large woman, but let’s take time to enjoy one of his sketchy friends who impressed me with his lightning quick crab walk, which he then combos perfectly into a slow and sensual grind of a fat. Brought tears to my eyes.

Benny Lava- Take it Easy Policy

This video is bizarre, funny, dangerous, and features some of the greatest dancing I’ve seen in some time. The top comment of YouTube is, “Michael Jackson is the American Benny Lava” and it’s easy to see why. This malnourished pelvic thruster busts some crazy moves. My favorite sequence comes at the 3:09-3:25 mark.

0:45– Classic shoulder tap trick which introduces us to one of the strangest sidekicks of all time. He looks like he goes for the kiss, stops, and then I’m not sure if it was an editing gaffe but his breezay puts up her hand and he kisses that? Wacky.

1:44– Dear god, please take time to watch and re-watch every one of the faces/dances that these men are throwing down on top of the bus. Fun fact: This video is fucking dangerous. Half the scenes are complicated dance sequences on top of moving objects or in streets that have clearly not been shut down.

2:40– Is Benny preventing a suicide here? This just got deep, but the music stays light and fun so I don’t care too much. Is the sidekick mad because he has been rejected so many times that he thinks life is not worth living anymore? What did Benny tell his friend in two seconds that changed his mind and brought him down from the edge? High drama and high praise!

Genki Sudo- Boy Meets Girl

I feel like I could hang out with these guys. This is a strange romp and look into Japanese nightlife as it follows the synchronized escapades of 7 dudes in suits hollering at girls. Can’t really go wrong with the premise, although the novelty and charm of the robotic synchronization wears eventually. Still very entertaining.

1:00– Japanese robotic pelvic beer thrusts!

1:42– Three-man touch off beer pyramid handhold?

Quick note: How do none of these guys have Asian glow? They are going hard on the pints and Saki.

1:04- You think for a second that they might walk by the sweet ladies but NO!!! They make like a Nokia snake and wrap around back to the table to holler in unison. I will definitely use this technique soon.

Osmani Garcia- Chupi Chupi

Nothing like a 7-minute video featuring 17 rappers that talks about lollipops and pussy. This is a very chaotic yet entertaining look inside the world of… Puerto Rican space? Apparently they are in space and huge candy and infectious dance routines play a major role.

0:00- 0:48– Wait, how many people are going to be rapping in this video? 9000? Ok, just checking. I’m sure every one of you has an interesting take on sex, clothes and money.

1:48- Cue the black mailman. Or maybe he has a laptop bag. Is he meant to be in the video or was he just passing by and the director was like, “You know what we don’t have enough of in this video? People rapping.”

3:40- Cue the hipster lesbian. I can’t really believe I watched this far despite the catchy hook, but this girl provides the most interesting verse. No need to watch past this. Chupi Chupi is repeated for several minutes as the various rappers in Oakley’s stunt for the 7D.

Fun Fact: I don’t really like this video that much, but it is colorful and after I watched it I found myself doing the dance and yelling chupi chupi in the bathroom mirror, so clearly there is some magnetism here.

Gringotone- Muevelo Sexy

Whoa, who are these guys?!?! Shot on the top of the line Canon T3i, this masterpiece of cinema debuted in March of this year, and while it didn’t get the views it deserved, it sparked a revolution is filmmaking, acting, directing and musicianship. Film professors at NYU, Ridley Scott, Roger Ebert and hella bitches have praised this trail blazing bilingual duo for their uncanny resemblances to Jason Statham and Ryan Gosling, their other worldly utilization of the Meisner method and their next level understanding of Final Cut. Just great work all around.!!!

The Mid 20’s Shoenundrum

17 Aug

After returning from my first day of Kindergarten my parents asked me how it went. Instead of answering like a normal person, I proceeded to tell them what kind of shoe every kid in my class was wearing like some kind of autistic Zappos employee. When all the other children would take off their shoes to play in the park, I would velcro my L.A. Gear tighter and light up the shit out of that grass. Shoes helped me kick the back of nerd’s chairs, outrun my first teacher, impress my first girl and boot my first homerun in kickball. I have always been more or less at the top of my shoe game. Keds slip ons. Check. Pumps and Gears. Worn. The Sean Kemps. Ramalamadingdong! Jordans V-IV. Copped. I’ve been riding at the crest of the wave for two decades, looking like Kelly Slater with shoes on, until now.

Such a hep and responsible shoe

I sucked it up and bought a plaid shirt. I went shopping with a girl and she convinced me to buy considerably more form fitting jeans. (Will never admit to Skinnies). I even bought a swooping pastel v, but never did I think the day would come when I had to buy “adult shoes.” We’ve all seen them. I believe their actual name is wing tips, but I’ll call them fucking adult shoes. They are suede and they make you look fantastic and responsible. Maybe it is a psychological barrier I have constructed to slow my maturation into a full-fledged adult, but whatever the case, I’m starting to feel judged by the shoes that I wear. The shoes you step out the door with in the morning (or late afternoon if you’re an effin loser) carry connotations whether you want them to or not.

Oooh the reds

Vans– You might skateboard, but you probably don’t. Maybe you were enchanted with the idea until you realized how painful it is to fall off, so you kept the Vans to give you steez points. I don’t blame you. Vans are a versatile shoe that goes well with both shorts and pants. They embody the essence of simps casual and can be worn to the beach or the club. Vans carry a bit of a dude vibe, but guess what? Some dudes are super sweet so lay off bro.


Flip-Flops– I don’t know how many times I have to say this. IF YOU AREN”T AT THE BEACH, YOU CAN’T WEAR FLIP-FLOPS! You look like a real joke. “But these are Rainbows and they have formed to my feet patterns….” Shut it, and refer back to my line where you look like a joke. Also, don’t even think about wearing them with pants-….oh god, you are going to wear them with pants aren’t you?

Which side is starboard again?

Boat Shoes– These things have become popular somehow. I’d say they are mostly a sunny day, go to brunch, bottomless mimosa kind of shoe. When you put these on you are saying I’m ready for a hootenanny, and I could possibly help out on starboard if need be.

Running Shoes- If you aren’t jogging, visiting a foreign city or a genius, running shoes says you either have a terrible back or you have given up. There is nothing more pathetic that a pair of tattered jeans and crusty New Balances. Step your game up.

Toms– Are you a Chinese labor worker? 15th century court Jester? Elf in Santa’s workshop? No? Then take those off.

Jordans– This is a tough one. Shelling out $150 for Jordans used to make you the bell of the ball. Now, as much as it pains me to say it, rocking Jordans makes you look a bit dated and clunky. While MJ is still revered, his shoes reached their cool apex in 2001.

Nike Air Max– What a pompous shoe! These kicks haven’t gone down in price since ’95. I didn’t study econ, but something seems fishy about that.

Get to stompin

Air Force Ones- Much like Nelly, these shoes can only be found in old music videos and probably for good reason.

Ankle snaps

Converse– Chucks make you look cool, calm and comfortable without actually feeling any of those things. There is absolutely no support to this shoe. It’s a wonder how every ball player until the 70’s didn’t snap their ankle the second they stepped on the court.

Adult Shoes– Congrats! You made it. You’re an adult. You’ve taken that step that says I’m ready to start dating girls my own age, paying for my cell phone and washing my dishes immediately after the meal. This shoe says you’ve been to a foreign country, your balls are big and there are more than three $20 bills in your leather wallet. Well done guy.

You did it buddy.

Proud to Be an American?

6 Aug


Every four years I am jolted from my patriotic slumber and force myself to scream at small women who have dedicated their lives to shooting an air pistol 10 meters. Aside from ridiculous events, the Summer Olympics always serve as a reminder that I have an American identity and that I actually might even be proud to be American.

I attended a very liberal university during a period of history where the U.S. was making some questionable decisions. We were like a drunk frat bro who got sucker punched at a kegger, then got up all wobbly and took a swing at the Asian kid in the corner who had nothing to do with it. Then we were like, “Fuck this, I’m going to find that dude,” and we got in our dad’s Mercedes, but crashed immediately into a stop sign and threw up on our cargo shorts. Then the cops came, but lucky for us the chief of police was our uncle so we got to sleep it off instead of spending the night in jail, and everyone at the kegger was left saying, “Wow, fuck that dude.”

I guess what I’m trying to say is you wouldn’t have found any Bruce Springsteen on my IPod in the mid aughts. (Except “Dancing in the Dark.” That song is just awesome.) I was anti-Bush, anti-conservative, anti-shwag weed, and anti- American. During my junior year abroad I was hesitant to tell people I was American, opting for Californian in hopes that they liked O.C., Terminator or Red Hot Chili Peppers. I remember a group of American tourists who had sewn the Canadian flag on their travel packs to try and avoid uncomfortable situations. I held the belief that I was the awesome exception to a cruel norm, which I shared nothing in common with. Americans are racist and I am tolerant. Americans are stupid, and I am smart and witty. Americans are fat and loud; I am lean and partially reserved. Clearly I must be non-American, or some kind of genetically mutated American, impervious to stereotype and generalization.

I considered myself strictly a citizen of the world until one cold night in Buenos Aires changed my perspective. I moved to BA after college to “teach English.” I was looking for adventure and an escape from the unbelievably boring States. Some locals invited me to smoke and drink fernet in a plaza in San Telmo. (Ooh, how cultural) I was introduced as Andres from America. This of course sparked South Americans favorite debate, which is that we are all Americans so I should say I am from the States. After bumbling my way thru my drunken Spanish opinion on that matter, a rat-tailed Argentino stopped playing Bob Marley long enough to try and rip me a new culito.

Stoops guy, sweet tail.

“Why do you like Bush?”
“I don’t.”
“Why did you vote for him?”
“I didn’t. Other people did. Bush doesn’t represent everyone in America…err sorry, the states.
“Why did you vote for him twice?”
“Umm. That is difficult to explain in any language, but you must understand that the U.S. is huge! It cannot be defined only by its government or one person’s actions…”

This went on for almost an hour. I grew frustrated, but also more passionate as the hippy refused to stop prodding the issue. I had never defended my homeland so vehemently in my life and I was finding that I was eager and even happy to do so. Maybe it was the brown shwag and rich man’s Jaeger talking, but it was the first time I can ever remember taking pride in being American.


Watching these 2012 Olympics I try to tell myself that the only reason I tune in is because I am a fan of sports and competition, and if a fellow countrymen were to win that competition, all the better right? This just isn’t true, and I can’t hide anymore from the brutal reality. I would never watch a gymnastics routine any other time in my life. If I turned on ESPN in September and there was some ripped midget straddling a pommel horse, I would throw my Budweiser at the screen and write a strongly worded letter to Bristol.

I not only want Americans to win, but I want the other countries to be humiliated. I want to see Poland’s canoe hit a rock and careen off a dangerous waterfall. I want to see Australia’s bicyclists ride too close together, rub wheels, and crash against the wall while the Americans leisurely pedal their way to gold. I want a Russian to snap his leg during the 10,000m. I love the San Francisco 49’ers, but I didn’t shed a single tear when they lost in overtime to the NY Giants last season, but you give me five American gymnasts with some compelling back stories, an American flag and an electric vault routine and I’m balling like a teenage girl who just found out K Stew cheated on the lanky white.

When the Olympics finish, I will stop wishing terrible things on the rest of the world. I will return to forgetting that I live in America and will reassume my identity of laid back cool guy from the west coast who doesn’t get riled too easy. It’s nice to know, however, that for a couple weeks every four years I feel a connection to everyone else in this huge country, and that we can bond over a universal truth. We’re Number 1. We’re Number 1. U-S-A!

Hell yea brother.