Tag Archives: entertainment

Rivets and Reservations

28 Oct

magic castle

Magic is meant to inspire awe. It should suspend your disbelief and make you question all that is true in the world. At the Magic Castle in Hollywood they achieve these results in stupefying fashion. I’m rendered speechless not by any sleight of hand, but rather a wardrobe slight from one of the most inept managers upholding the silliest dress code ever created.

One must be invited by a member of the castle to enjoy the entertainment. This part of the journey is almost charming if you consider e-mailing random magicians and pretending to have seen their act in order to get an invite a good use of your time. I finally secure an invite through a friend of a friend and set up the date.

magicianThe evening is a surprise for my lady who mentioned in passing months earlier she wanted to go really badly. (Shout out to myself for remembering that) We arrive early at the valet. I take one step out of the car and the valet asks if I have read the dress code. I am confused because I’m dressed like a motherfucking GQ model, I reply yes; in fact I read it twice. He cringes and says I cannot come in dressed like that. Dressed like what? The poster boy for welldressedman.com? No, he informs me they will not be able to accept my pants. I am unaware my pants sent in an application, but just to clarify why will my pants not be accepted here? Here is a brief excerpt of how the next 5 minutes went.

On the left.

On the left.

“Well sir, they are denim-like.”

“What? But they aren’t denim.”

“Yes, but they are denim-like. They have rivets”

“What did you just say to me?”

He gets the manager who comes out and also informs me my pants will not be accepted.

“I am sorry to inform you we cannot accept your pants. They are denim-like.”

“But they aren’t denim! They are cotton twill. It’s a completely different weave! I don’t understand what the problem is?”

“Well they have rivets.”

“If one more person says fucking rivets…”

I look over at my date, she can see things are getting out of hand, and to be honest if she was not with me I would have told the guy to fuck off and left. There is nowhere in the dress code that states pants can’t have rivets. Have a look for yourself. There is, however, a few things that they do accept that I think will give you a good idea of what kind of institution this place is.

DRESS CODE FOR EVENING GUESTS:

MEN:

  • Think business attire.
  • Men must be in coat and tie (standard or bow tie)
  • Exceptions to the “tie rule” are: turtlenecks (that can be folded over), bolo ties, ascots, jeweled collars, ruffled collars and banded collars.
  • Military Dress (no fatigues), ethnic and/or religious attire will also be allowed.
  • No zippered jackets, outdoor jackets, polo shirts, t-shirts, denim (or colored denim), shorts, sandals, flip flops, sneakers or sneaker-like shoes are allowed.
  • Leather jackets (with buttons) and leather pants are allowed.
  • No casual attire will be allowed.

turtleneckTwo very important things to note on this list: Turtlenecks (that can be folded over) and leather jackets (with buttons) and leather pants ARE allowed, but god forbid your H&M twill pants have a couple rivets on them so help you Jesus and the divine power! I repeat. TURTLENECKS….THEN IN PARENTHESIS (THAT CAN BE FOLDED OVER!) End of discussion.

After calming down a tad, I ask what the solution is. He first displays a bit of competence and says he will go check if there are some pants I can borrow. Fine. This kind gesture is quickly destroyed when he comes back out and tells me in a sarcastic tone that they need to be taken to the cleaners because, “You don’t even want to know what happened to them.” Did someone shit in them? It’s shit isn’t it? No? Can I put them on past my knees? Then let me in to this goddamn castle!

soiled pantsHis second managerial gem is to suggest I go back home and change pants. It’s 6 pm in LA on a weekday. Kindly go fuck yourself. The final solution is to go to H&M down the road and buy new pants. I swallowed my pride like a porn star and set off to buy a new pair, while my date waits inside.

I lumber down the hill in my suit, neck sweat on full blast when I get a call from my girl. They don’t have my reservation for dinner. After some guidance on my part and some master sleuthing on his behalf, he determines the reservation is under my name. Yes, of course it is….I don’t even know what to say to that. That’s not the first name you check? I ask if I may return to my quest to buy new pants. He assures me we are on for the 8 PM dinner and show. Wonderful.

fatpantsI will give everybody one guess what happens when I get to the H&M. They only have denim pants in the entire store, riveted up the wazoo. I almost collapse in frustration, but keep it together long enough to ask the salesmen if I can buy his slacks. He contemplates calling the police, but ultimately mentions that they may have one pair by the mannequin. I slowly walk over to the pale hipster and find a pair of black dress pants discarded by the window. I pray to Hedi Slimane I can at least pull them up around my formidable thighs. 34/32’s. They won’t zip up, but they will do just fine for a night of magic.

I return to the Magic Castle with my mismatched dress slacks, a sweaty mess with my evil no good cotton twill denim-like riveted pants in hand. I lock them in my car and finally enter the hallowed mansion. After one beer my anger subsides and I enjoy the night of talented magicians. Despite the hoop jumping, I will be back, and when I do I will be in a bedazzled tuxedo with rivets, and a turtleneck that doesn’t fold over.

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Baseball is Boring

19 Sep

baseball is boringThis summer Ryan Braun was suspended for the use of performance enhancing drugs (PED). The 2012 National League MVP is just another in a long line of ball players accused of trying to do the impossible, make the game of baseball exciting.

But players who use steroids are cheaters! They undermine and corrupt the sanctity of American’s purest pastime. This kind of behavior is inexcusable and unbecoming of a professional athlete. It also happens to be the only reason I don’t click over to “Bar Rescue” during Sportscenter’s Top 10. It’s time to re-evaluate America’s beloved sport and the way it’s played. These players should not be punished; they should be applauded and revered for trying to make baseball watchable.

old baseballThe sport may have been moderately entertaining in the 1800’s when it competed against other American past times like; tilling the fields, dying young, and hating the Irish, but now we have actual sports where athletes are required to be in motion and you know, generally do cool, athletic looking things. Surely we can’t still be watching questionably out of shape men swing a stick once every couple minutes. But we do. We still love it. Baseball is that friend who you don’t really like, but he’s been around forever, and his parents know your parents and they run into each other occasionally at the farmers market and trade stories about you both and so without ever really trying to keep in contact, you know every fucking detail about this kid’s life. This is baseball. Too engrained in our personal histories to be told its boring and stupid. Too proud of its lore and statistics to let anyone tell it they don’t care. Most likely your grandpa, dad or uncle dragged you to a game when you were little, put a hat on you, made you eat shitty ice cream with a wooden stick and that was it, you were never allowed to speak ill of it again.

rookieIn the summer of 1994 I played my first and last season of baseball. Angels in the Outfield and Rookie of the Year had come out recently so naturally I had to find out if I had a missile for an arm. That season I was hit by no less than 14 pitches got severe sunburns in centerfield waiting for fly balls that never came, and ultimately went 0-11 with the Berkeley Frank Lee Jewelers (great jeweler). So yes, I am biased, but I also love sports. I love to play and watch them. I want to love baseball like I love the others, but I can’t. The games are long and often uneventful, seasons are like most SNL sketches with promising premises that linger and grow stale and ultimately become unwatchable, players hold our eyes hostage as they chew tobacco, scratch their crotches and rearrange various elbow and shin pads as if what they do is dangerous. Don’t even remind me of how the old managers put on saggy uniforms and try to convey secret messages to their team by throwing up gang signs. But only so many people can hit a curveball! Well, there are only so many people who can solve a rubix cube, but you don’t see that shit televised 6 months out of the year.

arnoldThere is a simple solution to all this madness. Rather than getting all fussy every few months when another high profile player is caught using substances, lets give all the players drugs. I’m not talking about little league deer antler spray either, I want super strains of whatever Arnold was on during the ’74 Mr. Universe competition. I want a mutant league of baseball where players check into spring training camp with a head diameter of no less than golden era Barry Bonds. I want home runs hit every other at bat to roust me from my slumber and wipe the drool and flaming hot cheetos from my mouth. We want super fast outfielders that back flip to catch fly balls at the warning track, and hock loogies up to the second deck. We need pitchers who can throw 200 mph fastballs and not get Tommy John surgery, and hitters who look like “The Rock” from Fast 6. America needs managers to take PED’s so when they insist on wearing their droopy uniforms only some people laugh. America needs baseball to grow up and get with the times. Students take aderol to study harder and get better grades, adults drink coffee to stay awake and make money, rappers pop molly and sweat to sell more records. Lets face it; drugs are just as engrained in American culture as baseball is. If ballplayers are cool with small balls, then they should be able to play in the bigs however they want.

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Things You’ve Stopped Doing Since College

29 Jul

reggaeReggae- Wahhhhh Wahhhh (air horn) Bhuaaaa! Whether you had a bong toking, Buju Banton spinning roommate who selassied the selectahs, or hacked some sack with a chilled out loper listening to Sizzla sing about Batty Boys, you probably got your fair share of the Ragu during College. It was hard not to love Reggae, it just went so well with all your activities, like: Smoke then eat, smoke then go to class, smoke then study, smoke then listen to Reggae and smoke. While yours truly is still known to slap some Don Carlos on a Sunday morning, I’m willing to bet the majority of you have exchanged your favorite piece for a pack of American Spirits and a band nobody has heard of. Squares.

animeAnime-
“Dude, do you want to come over after class and watch Naruto: Shippuden?”
“No.”
“OK, well I’ve also got the first season of Cowboy Bebop. Its got really good jazz music—
“Please stop.”
I would rather have strep throat for the rest of my life than watch one more second of Anime. “But Princess Mononoke….” Enough! I don’t like it. You cannot force me to enjoy this nonsense. Thankfully, those who still enjoy Anime have been socially ridiculed to the point of hiding their DVD’s in some dark corner of shame.

acidAcid- Now this clearly does not apply to everyone. There are still a few situations in which dropping ass (Have I given away my age?) Is encouraged and welcomed. Music festivals, and long weekends are fine venues to trip balls, but I include Acid in the mix because of the time it takes to come down. In College one could theoretically be on acid until graduation. Oh, you have Intro to Cinema Monday morning? Who cares!? A five-paragraph essay where you quote books you barely read and couldn’t be bothered to write an original thought? Drop that ass. You’ll do just fine. Now compare that to reporting to your 9-5 Monday morning, how quickly would you be fired? 10 Am? Lunch? When is the next long weekend?

skate fallSkateboarding- If you are sitting down right now, go ahead and fall off your chair. If you are past the age of 25, see how long it takes you to get back up. How many grunts did it take? You might even still be rolling around clutching your limp broken wrist on the floor. Now imagine you are moving at 20 MPH and eat shit face first on concrete. In College, you may just get up bloody, wipe off the gravel and keep carving, but at this age you are crumpled up in a twisted mess of brittle bones and thinking about the impending hospital bill and how Obama Care only covers up until 26. Obama!!!

pajama pantsDoing Shit in Your Pajamas- Getting up at 11 AM everyday can be hard, but don’t worry, now you can sleep right up until your class starts with the help of pajama pants. Pajamas are the perfect don’t give a fuck pant. Got a tough test? Pajamas will provide you with the comfort you need to keep calm and ace it. Party later tonight? No worries, its probably a pajamas party, and if its not everyone will be too drunk to notice or care that you are wearing your crusty flannel jammies. Try wearing that shit outside as an adult. Try getting a girlfriend and a job. Try not getting tears on the drawstrings of your sad excuse for a pant while you eat an overly salted cambells chicken and rice soup. The only time pajamas should be worn is by bananas, when they are coming down the stairs.

40'sDrinking 40’s- College Kid #1: “What are you doing tonight?”

College Kid#2: “Probably just drink a Mickey’s and smoke a blunt. Shit, maybe I’ll even get a second one and duct tape it to my hand so I get really wasted then go to Maggie’s party.”

College Kid # 1: “Dude, sounds like an awesome night.”

Adult #1: “What are you doing tonight?”

Adult #2: “I’m going to drink 40 ounces of terrible liquid and barf in a toilet for a few hours. Probably won’t make it to Maggie’s thing.

Adult#1: “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

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Educational Hip-Hop Lyrics

10 Apr

Ok Cupid Profile Pic

Ok Cupid Profile Pic

1. DJ Quick “First you get the power, then you get the money, then you get the pussy, fool don’t be no dummy.”

After the 50th text off to nowhere and first date that does nothing for your mind or boner, I often put on DJ Quick’s “Hand and Hand” to try and inspire myself and gain some clarity. While Quick was probably not referring to his own online dating failures in the song, it serves as a reminder that while sex, romance and companionship are all worthy pursuits, they often come more naturally while pursuing other things. Power corrupts, and money is the root of all evil, but bitches love that shit, and plus, the song wouldn’t be nearly as good with a hook like, “First you nurture your career, then you handle your finances, then you put the penis in vagina! Don’t be foolish young man!”

1000 bucks for a weekend of pelvic thrusts

1000 bucks for a weekend of pelvic thrusts

2. E-40 “ Sometimes its cool to floss, but don’t buy an $80,000 car before you buy a house.”

While I can’t afford a moped or even a birdhouse, E-40’s slangy down-bay twang resonates. He is a man of priorities and is offering sound fiduciary advice. As most of us are not ambassadors to the Bay, balliticians or iconic rappers, let’s make the scenario more millennial appropriate. “Sometimes it’s cool to floss, but don’t buy tickets to Coachella before you pay rent!”

She digs it

She digs it

3. Next “Baby when we’re grinding, I get so excited, oohhh how I like it, I try but I can’t fight it.”

This is a song about a guy getting an erection while dancing with a girl. The guy claims that if they continue dancing that way, he will be compelled to have sex with her right there on the dance floor. Wow. I wasn’t cool enough to have sex in public with girls at 13, but I was popping boners seemingly to every song I danced to. Between school dances, birthday parties and bar mitzvahs I estimate over 3000 boners popped during 7th grade, and I was embarrassed about it until Next taught me that is was OK. It is OK to get an erection while dancing and if the girl doesn’t like it, then she’s neither public sex nor take home to mom material.

Almost there buddy!

Almost there buddy!

4. Freak Nasty Ho “ I put my hand up on your hip, when I dip you dip we dip…”

If you’ve danced with me, you know I have formidable moves. Girls are often left saying things like, “Wow, what moves.” Psst. I will let you in on a little secret. Step 1. Put your hand up on her hip. Step 2. Dip. Step 3. Hopefully she takes the hint and dips too. Step 4. Simultaneous dipping. Step 5. Dip down low and roll and grind.

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4 Bad Things About Hipsters That Are Actually Good

13 Dec

I have spent a combined 3 years living in the Mission district and Silverlake. While my attire has certainly become more indie-band friendly, hipsters and me haven’t always seen eye to Italian frame with the lens popped out eye. I think they should eat more, and they want me to DJ rare vinyl at the such and such hut. I think they should learn how to play sports, they think I should learn graphic design. They like PBR and I…wait, I like PBR too. The stereotypes are endless, yet so is the amount of crossover. So who is the hipster, and what really makes them so bad? Maybe that damn Christmas spirit has got me all introspective and sympathetic, but I swear to God this is an unironic defense of the most shit on majority/minority of my generation.

1) Drink PBR– I don’t know if you guys heard, but we are all headed toward a fiscal cliff. A fiscal cliff! Our economy resembles Pacquiao after his latest fight and jobs are harder to come by than ever. Ask Alex Smith. Whoa! Now that’s some topical stuff. PBR is routinely the cheapest drink at any bar and surprisingly doesn’t taste like piss. All those flannel shirt assholes drinking PBR aren’t hipsters, they’re economists.hipster pbr

2) Riding Fixed Gear Bicycles– I hated on this once upon a time. “Look at those idiots rocking back and forth at the stoplight.” Then I got over the fact that the gears are fixed and realized they have impeccable balance. Think of all the money they save on gas that goes straight to their PBR fund. Not only are they thrifty, but also they are environmentally friendly. Bicycling is great exercise and lessons carbon footprints or whatever. Did your parents never teach you how to ride a bike? Do you hate Al Gore and Earth? Then shut up.hipster fixed gear

3) Fashion Sense– While I can’t endorse those super skinny jeans that are like vice grips for your junk, I generally respect and have even adopted various “hipster” stylings. Some people look like idiots, and if they do then it’s more than appropriate to make fun of them, but at least give them credit for being bold and progressive. I’ve met plenty of pretentious assholes in a button-up and jeans. While I do wish some girls wouldn’t dress like part-time archeologists, I applaud quirkiness in all its forms.

P.S. Please limit your archeologist outfits to twice a week. I think that’s fair.hipster fashion

4) Pseudo creativity- I don’t quite know how to address this issue. We’ve all heard shitty bands, been to stale art gallery openings and seen depressingly bad open mic comedy. The subjective nature of whether something is good or bad is always up for debate, but the creation of that art, in any form, is important and irrefutable. We lose so much of our creative juice as we age that we sometimes forget how the process works. It is necessary for all of us to engage in creative pursuits as often as we can to remind ourselves that we are still capable of great things. So just because you didn’t like “insert ridiculous indie band name here” last album, doesn’t mean they didn’t have the time of their life making it. Ok, I’ll put down the whiskey and stop getting so senti.

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My Favorite Foreign Music Videos

24 Aug

PSY- Gangnam Style

For a stout South Korean he sure has a lot of pep in his step. No, the catchy hook does not say, “bang her condom style,” although that would be a wonderfully effective safe sex campaign. This video has been hitting the internets hard and deservedly so. It’s a fun song with a lot of humor. Here is my top 3 moments

0:48- PSY wrapped in childish towel resting his head on another man, watching another man pop and lock.

1:39- PSY screaming at the girl in blue shorts. We have all felt like this. Some times a booty presents itself that is so indescribably dope that we must release a bit of carnal rage.

1:50- 2:05– Dance off! Are we supposed to know the dude in yellow? Is it a sly shout out for Korean music fans? Why does that man in the elevator make me so uncomfortable? Best part for me is after the dude in yellow clearly loses the dance off; he gets back in his Mercedes and throws up the deuces like he won.

Major Lazer- Pon De Floor

I recently found out that Eric Warheim of Tim and Eric fame directed this gem. That sheds a little more light on why this is so fucking weird, but it is really hard to properly deconstruct a cartoon orgy. Again, what makes this so great is the inventive theme combined with a great song.

0:10– Why does bizzaro Wesley Snipes look so sketchy? You know damn well that your friends are already in the house acting like perved out sex fiends, and you can’t wait to join them. Quit looking around all suspicious like.

2:08- Bizzaro Snipes showcases some serious pommel horse type moves on, over and around one of the haggard’s formidable behinds. If the fat booty pommel horse were an event at the Olympics, this dude would be in the running for gold. Let’s make this happen for Rio 2016!

2:29- I could have gone with Bizzaro Snipes jumping off the top rung of the ladder with his pants falling down onto a large woman, but let’s take time to enjoy one of his sketchy friends who impressed me with his lightning quick crab walk, which he then combos perfectly into a slow and sensual grind of a fat. Brought tears to my eyes.

Benny Lava- Take it Easy Policy

This video is bizarre, funny, dangerous, and features some of the greatest dancing I’ve seen in some time. The top comment of YouTube is, “Michael Jackson is the American Benny Lava” and it’s easy to see why. This malnourished pelvic thruster busts some crazy moves. My favorite sequence comes at the 3:09-3:25 mark.

0:45– Classic shoulder tap trick which introduces us to one of the strangest sidekicks of all time. He looks like he goes for the kiss, stops, and then I’m not sure if it was an editing gaffe but his breezay puts up her hand and he kisses that? Wacky.

1:44– Dear god, please take time to watch and re-watch every one of the faces/dances that these men are throwing down on top of the bus. Fun fact: This video is fucking dangerous. Half the scenes are complicated dance sequences on top of moving objects or in streets that have clearly not been shut down.

2:40– Is Benny preventing a suicide here? This just got deep, but the music stays light and fun so I don’t care too much. Is the sidekick mad because he has been rejected so many times that he thinks life is not worth living anymore? What did Benny tell his friend in two seconds that changed his mind and brought him down from the edge? High drama and high praise!

Genki Sudo- Boy Meets Girl

I feel like I could hang out with these guys. This is a strange romp and look into Japanese nightlife as it follows the synchronized escapades of 7 dudes in suits hollering at girls. Can’t really go wrong with the premise, although the novelty and charm of the robotic synchronization wears eventually. Still very entertaining.

1:00– Japanese robotic pelvic beer thrusts!

1:42– Three-man touch off beer pyramid handhold?

Quick note: How do none of these guys have Asian glow? They are going hard on the pints and Saki.

1:04- You think for a second that they might walk by the sweet ladies but NO!!! They make like a Nokia snake and wrap around back to the table to holler in unison. I will definitely use this technique soon.

Osmani Garcia- Chupi Chupi

Nothing like a 7-minute video featuring 17 rappers that talks about lollipops and pussy. This is a very chaotic yet entertaining look inside the world of… Puerto Rican space? Apparently they are in space and huge candy and infectious dance routines play a major role.

0:00- 0:48– Wait, how many people are going to be rapping in this video? 9000? Ok, just checking. I’m sure every one of you has an interesting take on sex, clothes and money.

1:48- Cue the black mailman. Or maybe he has a laptop bag. Is he meant to be in the video or was he just passing by and the director was like, “You know what we don’t have enough of in this video? People rapping.”

3:40- Cue the hipster lesbian. I can’t really believe I watched this far despite the catchy hook, but this girl provides the most interesting verse. No need to watch past this. Chupi Chupi is repeated for several minutes as the various rappers in Oakley’s stunt for the 7D.

Fun Fact: I don’t really like this video that much, but it is colorful and after I watched it I found myself doing the dance and yelling chupi chupi in the bathroom mirror, so clearly there is some magnetism here.

Gringotone- Muevelo Sexy

Whoa, who are these guys?!?! Shot on the top of the line Canon T3i, this masterpiece of cinema debuted in March of this year, and while it didn’t get the views it deserved, it sparked a revolution is filmmaking, acting, directing and musicianship. Film professors at NYU, Ridley Scott, Roger Ebert and hella bitches have praised this trail blazing bilingual duo for their uncanny resemblances to Jason Statham and Ryan Gosling, their other worldly utilization of the Meisner method and their next level understanding of Final Cut. Just great work all around.!!!

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5 People Who Have Been in My Life Forever

22 Jun

Back at ya big guy

Usher– I think Usher started singing when he was two years old and then dropped “Nice and Slow” when he was Seven. I really have no idea how old Usher is, and I refuse to look it up. To me he is an R&B cyborg with sweet dance moves who faintly looks like a duck. I have vivid memories of popping b’s on girls at Middle School dances singing along to “They call me U-S…_H-E-R…R-A…-Y-M…O-N-D, now baby tell me what you wanna do.” I was driving the other day and his new song came on and I said to myself, “Hell yea Usher. Keep doing your thing.” There is no other artist I can think of who was popular in 1998 and still enjoys the kind of radio play in today’s mainstream that Usher does, and that deserves some major recognition. My greatest wish is that Usher stays relevant forever. That my children and my grandchildren and great grand children will all have the pleasure of popping their first b’s on a girl to his music and then growing old with it.

No one knows why you’re still playing either.

Derek Fisher– Here he is again. Subbed in late in the 4th quarter of an important NBA finals game. Why is he still in my life? I watched him hit dagger after dagger with the Lakers during their first title run. I cursed him and his sick daughter for playing an important role is dismantling my 2007 “We Believe” Warriors. I watched his biceps fluctuate between Lou Farrigno buff and Sly Stallone swole. I sat idly by while he rejoined the Lakers again for their second title run. Now, just when I think I’ve rid myself of the Fisherman, here he comes trotting out on the court sporting a Thunder jersey and considerably more modest arms. Will this dude have a fucking seat! D Fish has to be the luckiest player ever. Every team he goes to makes a deep run in the playoffs, and I’m always there to watch him wait on the wings to hit that lefty corner 3 that validates his existence and frustrates mine.

Holy hell

Mario Lopez– Most know him as A.C. Slater. The gerry-curled jabroni (yea I used it) of Bayside who wrestled with men for pride and tussled with Zach for Kelly’s heart. When Saved by the Bell ended, I expected two things: Zach Morris would go on to do big things, and everyone else would vanish into Hollywood obscurity. What really happened is Zach really didn’t do all that much, Kelly got slightly hagstown, Screech made a porno, Jessie played a stripper, Lisa remained Black, and Mr. Belding drinks heavily at dive bars in Sherman Oaks. The only one to truly stay relevant was spandex Slater. He got a haircut, but pretty much looks the same as his yearbook photo and maintains a high profile in the industry by reporting on celebrity trysts and nonsense awards. I’m proud of you Mario. No one had you beating Zach Morris in the game of life, but you really did.

Really didn’t expect to find a google image of this dude

Jokemon– One of the biggest deals of my life was being allowed to walk down Telegraph Ave. in 5th grade. Telegraph is a street that spans Berkeley and Oakland and plays host to some seriously strange shit. From a dominatrix spanking her sub outside the now defunct Cody’s Books, to Regan ordering a tear gas assault on Cal students in the 1960’s, this street has some history to say the least. It’s no wonder why parents are apprehensive to let their privileged little shitgoats wander around this wackiness. Telegraph is also home to some of the most unique characters I’ve had the pleasure to share my strange with. My favorite is a guy named Jokemon. It was never clear if he had in fact seen an episode of Pokemon, but as you can guess he would call you over and proceed to tell you a joke for free, alms appreciated of course. By 7th grade I had heard his entire routine, and I must admit the material wasn’t top notch, but he would sell the shit out of it. Even jokes I already heard I was eager to hear again because Jokemon brought it every time. Just to put things in perspective, my comedic idols at the time were Adam Sandler, Monty Python and Jokemon.
Eventually CD’s went extinct and my visits to Telegraph became less frequent, but on a recent trip to Top Dog while visiting home, there he was, entertaining a group of Middle Schoolers with his animated delivery. It made me smile.

Glad there is no image of my actual dentist.

My Dentist– I have been going to the same dentist my entire life. She is a family friend and a lovely lady. She is primarily a kid’s dentist, but has always made an exception for me. I used to hate going, but now I find it hilarious. I’m too big for everything. The waiting room chairs, the dentist chair, my hands are to stubby for the treasure chest to collect my lolly, my face is too wide for the sunglasses when they x-ray my teeth, and all the dental assistants have a good laugh when the big idiot pays a visit. A grown man reading Dr. Seuss while he gets his fluoride treatment bewilders the other children, but I continue to go year after year and if she will allow it, forever.

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Youtube Hater

13 Jun

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Game of Thrones Recap

8 Jun

This has to be the best intro since John Tesh’s “Roundball Rock” for NBA on NBC. When that cello or whatever the hell it is hits at the :09 second mark I get so excited. I am instantly prepared for murder, rape and deceit. The following is my breakdown of the main characters, their story lines, and some what have yous from the last episode of Season 2.

Badass

Tyrrian the Imp– This dude is a badass. I just found out the actor who plays Tyrrian is named Peter Dinklage. I know parents can’t predict midgetry, but maybe science can? (I’m never sure what science is hiding from me) but the bottom line is the dude is a midget named Dinklage! I don’t even want to know how tough his childhood was. I seriously shed a tear just thinking about it. His adult life is pretty awesome though. He is a fantastic actor and has for sure taken the #1 midget acting spot from Mini Me, that black dude from “Me, Myself and Irene” and the cast of Time Bandits. Oh right, Game of Thrones…
After saving out and chopping fools’ knees off on the battlefield, Tyrrian wakes up next to the Old Wise Haggard who tells him he is no longer Hand of the King. Bummer town. Then Bald Dickless shuffles in and insinuates that Tyrrian’s sister, Cerces, was behind his attempted assassination. Double Bummer town!! Then his fine prostitute comes in and tries to get him to flee King’s Landing with her to some dope island where they will drink and fuck their lives away. Awesome! Hold on though. It seems Tyrrian would prefer to stay in King’s Landing and play mind games with murderous weirdos. Suspect move midget, but I’m excited to see how it plays out next season.

Punk

King Joffrey– Thissssssss mother fucker. He lets his Mom pull him from battle and retreats to his quarters like a little b.(Not to be mistaken with the Basedgod) Geoffrey is that punk kid in Middle School you just want to hit over and over again in his face. He talks shit all day, and then when you challenge him he tattles. With some encouragement from Cerces and the Old Wise Haggard, he chooses to dump Sansa for a much finer breezay. Oooh Sansa you just got nexted! This is the only time I have ever applauded a decision of Geoffrey’s. I hope he dies soon though.

Stoops

Stark Girls– Sansa just got dumped and then refused Bizarro Carcetti’s offer to help her out of the city. She had previously declined the Hound’s very same offer. This girl is STOOPS! I wouldn’t mind seeing her die either. Arya is being a cute sav per usual. She escapes with the French Assassin, but declines his offer to learn the art of silently murdering fools. Another stoops move from a Stark. What is wrong with these girls! When a master assassin offers to train you in the dark arts, you say yes…aaannnd he just changed faces!!!! How can you turn this guy down?

Less dragon and more naked please

Calisi– Pays a visit to Jeff Van Gundy’s House of the Undying to get her dragons back. After playing ring around the rosy, she gets sucked into her sub-conscious and reunites with Khal Drogo. When the dream ends, she is chained up next to her dragons. Jeff Van Gundy delivers one of his creepy monologues in which he intends to keep Calisi imprisoned for eternity. Oh hell no. Calisi gives her sultry orgasm face and says some shit in dragon jabber. Flame on! The dragons scorch Jeff Van Gundy’s face off. She then finds Tyler Perry boning her finest wench maiden and isn’t happy. She forces TP to open the vault but finds that it’s empty. Faker. Tyler Perry gets locked up with the fine girl (not a bad way to die) and she loots Qarth for all its worth. Huzzah! Side note: Calisi hasn’t been naked in like 7 episodes. This is unacceptable.

Gave her the old in out in out

Theon Greyjoy/Dude from Clockwork Orange– Well, this guy really lost it. Angry Northerners that want his head surround Winterfell, and it seems his time is up, but wait! He taps into his inner Coach Taylor and delivers a rousing battle speech that…. Boom! Knocked the eff out by his own man. Not quite sure why they put a bag over his head, but nothing good usually happens in life once a bag has been put over your head.

I’m still a Crow

John Snow– This guy must have the best hair product in Westeros. John Snow is the hipsterest of all the Crows. I hear when he’s not looking for Wildlings; he can be found changing the oil on his bio diesel Mercedes, and silk-screening ironic tees. He just can’t stop making that worried yet don’t worry I’m still handsome and good with a sword face. Him and Mike Snow should make a remix to “Animal,” “but I’m still I’m still a Crowwwww.” OK, that was stupid.

Fight!!!

Aaron Sorkin and Buff Tilda Swinton– The witty one liners continue….right up until Buff Tilda cuts some dude’s dick off. Good lord, these two better fight.

Nice pull bro

Rob Stark– Married the finest girl we’ve seen so far. Kudos King of the North. Screw your Mom and her constantly furrowed brow.

How did the White Walkers not kill you?

Fat Boy– Being worthless and fat. Can’t run in the snow for some reason. It probably has something to do with his weight and bowl cut. He presumably shits his pants when he sees the white walkers for the first time, A.K.A. Tales of the Crypt Gandalf.

Shit is finally going down and I’m excited!

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Why I should be in the Rick Ross Entourage

16 May

Man tatums.

– I don’t like my current job.

– I’ve always wanted to live where “Gettin’ Jiggy with it” was filmed and visit the shooting locations.

– I speak pretty alright Spanish which could help smooth over potential disputes with Cuban coke lords, or help holler at attractive Latinas who prefer blonde hair blue eyed devils to obese black rappers.

– I would add diversity to the crew. (Possible tax write off? I’m not sure. I don’t think that makes much sense actually)

– I want to be around girls with huge asses all the time

– I have a clean record. Think of all the cases I could catch for you. Speeding in your Aston Martin? No problem, lets switch seats, I got this one big guy. Assault and battery? Forget about it. Throw some brass knuckles on me and point the finger. Drug charges?! No fuckin problem!!! Dump cocaine on my face. My rap sheet is yours to fill, but I will only do this for you if I am well taken care of in prison. You know what that means. No butt play is what I’m getting at Rick.

– I used to freestyle battle in High School. I once rhymed dental plan with mental spam. I thought that was pretty cool. I could clearly provide light amusement and “Look at the White guy trying to do Black things” moments for you and your boys.

– I like Aston Martins and if I had money to blow fast, like if you gave me some kind of weekly allowance or per diem, I would surely blow it so fast.

– I took a NOLS Wilderness First Aid Responder course one summer. If you have any more health issues like that congenital heart failure episode on your private jet, I could…well I would be severely undertrained and ill prepared to help in that situation. Legally speaking, I shouldn’t even touch you if you were in cardiac arrest. If you cut yourself eating crab or something though, I would give you so many band-aids and words of encouragement.

– My Mom knows a speech therapist. If you ever wanted to not sound like evil Kermit the Frog on a whiskey bender she could hook up a discount. I mean its cool now, but when your rapping days are over it will just be creepy.

– We all know Miami breeds an unbearable sticky, humid heat. I can only imagine the amount of sweat that accrues under your belly and man tates. If you like I can scrub you down when you overheat and your XXXXL’s stick to your back……KIDDING Ricky! I have a sense of humor. I’m not like that, but seriously, how do you survive in Miami with all those rolls?

Well there you have it. Call it my plea, resume, wishful thinking or dementia. I would make an excellent member of your entourage and I await your call. Boss! Also this video inspired me to apply for the position.

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