This has to be the best intro since John Tesh’s “Roundball Rock” for NBA on NBC. When that cello or whatever the hell it is hits at the :09 second mark I get so excited. I am instantly prepared for murder, rape and deceit. The following is my breakdown of the main characters, their story lines, and some what have yous from the last episode of Season 2.
Badass
Tyrrian the Imp– This dude is a badass. I just found out the actor who plays Tyrrian is named Peter Dinklage. I know parents can’t predict midgetry, but maybe science can? (I’m never sure what science is hiding from me) but the bottom line is the dude is a midget named Dinklage! I don’t even want to know how tough his childhood was. I seriously shed a tear just thinking about it. His adult life is pretty awesome though. He is a fantastic actor and has for sure taken the #1 midget acting spot from Mini Me, that black dude from “Me, Myself and Irene” and the cast of Time Bandits. Oh right, Game of Thrones…
After saving out and chopping fools’ knees off on the battlefield, Tyrrian wakes up next to the Old Wise Haggard who tells him he is no longer Hand of the King. Bummer town. Then Bald Dickless shuffles in and insinuates that Tyrrian’s sister, Cerces, was behind his attempted assassination. Double Bummer town!! Then his fine prostitute comes in and tries to get him to flee King’s Landing with her to some dope island where they will drink and fuck their lives away. Awesome! Hold on though. It seems Tyrrian would prefer to stay in King’s Landing and play mind games with murderous weirdos. Suspect move midget, but I’m excited to see how it plays out next season.
Punk
King Joffrey– Thissssssss mother fucker. He lets his Mom pull him from battle and retreats to his quarters like a little b.(Not to be mistaken with the Basedgod) Geoffrey is that punk kid in Middle School you just want to hit over and over again in his face. He talks shit all day, and then when you challenge him he tattles. With some encouragement from Cerces and the Old Wise Haggard, he chooses to dump Sansa for a much finer breezay. Oooh Sansa you just got nexted! This is the only time I have ever applauded a decision of Geoffrey’s. I hope he dies soon though.
Stoops
Stark Girls– Sansa just got dumped and then refused Bizarro Carcetti’s offer to help her out of the city. She had previously declined the Hound’s very same offer. This girl is STOOPS! I wouldn’t mind seeing her die either. Arya is being a cute sav per usual. She escapes with the French Assassin, but declines his offer to learn the art of silently murdering fools. Another stoops move from a Stark. What is wrong with these girls! When a master assassin offers to train you in the dark arts, you say yes…aaannnd he just changed faces!!!! How can you turn this guy down?
Less dragon and more naked please
Calisi– Pays a visit to Jeff Van Gundy’s House of the Undying to get her dragons back. After playing ring around the rosy, she gets sucked into her sub-conscious and reunites with Khal Drogo. When the dream ends, she is chained up next to her dragons. Jeff Van Gundy delivers one of his creepy monologues in which he intends to keep Calisi imprisoned for eternity. Oh hell no. Calisi gives her sultry orgasm face and says some shit in dragon jabber. Flame on! The dragons scorch Jeff Van Gundy’s face off. She then finds Tyler Perry boning her finest wench maiden and isn’t happy. She forces TP to open the vault but finds that it’s empty. Faker. Tyler Perry gets locked up with the fine girl (not a bad way to die) and she loots Qarth for all its worth. Huzzah! Side note: Calisi hasn’t been naked in like 7 episodes. This is unacceptable.
Gave her the old in out in out
Theon Greyjoy/Dude from Clockwork Orange– Well, this guy really lost it. Angry Northerners that want his head surround Winterfell, and it seems his time is up, but wait! He taps into his inner Coach Taylor and delivers a rousing battle speech that…. Boom! Knocked the eff out by his own man. Not quite sure why they put a bag over his head, but nothing good usually happens in life once a bag has been put over your head.
I’m still a Crow
John Snow– This guy must have the best hair product in Westeros. John Snow is the hipsterest of all the Crows. I hear when he’s not looking for Wildlings; he can be found changing the oil on his bio diesel Mercedes, and silk-screening ironic tees. He just can’t stop making that worried yet don’t worry I’m still handsome and good with a sword face. Him and Mike Snow should make a remix to “Animal,” “but I’m still I’m still a Crowwwww.” OK, that was stupid.
Fight!!!
Aaron Sorkin and Buff Tilda Swinton– The witty one liners continue….right up until Buff Tilda cuts some dude’s dick off. Good lord, these two better fight.
Nice pull bro
Rob Stark– Married the finest girl we’ve seen so far. Kudos King of the North. Screw your Mom and her constantly furrowed brow.
How did the White Walkers not kill you?
Fat Boy– Being worthless and fat. Can’t run in the snow for some reason. It probably has something to do with his weight and bowl cut. He presumably shits his pants when he sees the white walkers for the first time, A.K.A. Tales of the Crypt Gandalf.
Very Serious Barista 