Tag Archives: Game of Thrones

5 Unconventional Hollers at Bars

18 Jul

Sometimes you walk into a bar and feel like Bradley Pitt. I assume he would do well at a bar. Other nights you just don’t have your mojo. You feel paralyzed by exhaustion, fear, poor wardrobe choices, sobriety and ESPN highlights. The mere thought of striking up a conversation with a female makes you want to go home and re-watch season 1 of Game of Thrones. (Let’s be honest, Season 2 was a little brutes until the last three episodes) Wahh! I don’t have a clever opener. Wahh! I’m ugly and overweight. Wahh! I’m a baby, who let me into this bar? No more excuses boys. Here are 5 unique ways to holler at girls that set you apart from the pack.

This person wins.

1. Challenge Her to a Drawing Contest– Most women like art; consider themselves artistic or think they know what art is. This approach shows confidence and a competitive nature. It’s an added bonus if you can actually draw, but if you are like me and got a C- in Visual Arts in High School, then simply use your time together drawing as an excuse to display other appealing traits if you have them.

Potential Flaws: If you are not a good artist AND don’t have any redeeming character traits please don’t use this approach as you will likely come off as creepy. Nobody wants to silently draw a unicorn in a packed bar and be passively critiqued by a weirdo.

The girl is stoops.

She is an awesome artist and judges your silly shitscribblings and decides she doesn’t find you attractive.

She’s such an awful artist that you think for a minute she in incapable of producing anything beautiful and you flash-forward to what your kids might look like and excuse yourself to the bathroom to yak.

Look how happy she is.

2. Send Her Something Other than a Drink– Oh, you sent her over a vodka martini with extra olives, what a cool guy you are. That shows no creativity or effort. You didn’t make the drink; you just watched too many Bond movies and have access to legal tender. All that shows is you have money. (As I get older I realize how important this is to girls….BUT that’s beside the point for now) I suggest sending over a mini-cupcake, or a full sized one depending on the largess of the lady. Other items that work include a Hershey’s kiss, mix tape, left over pad thai…OK you get it though.

Potential flaws: If the girl is insecure about her weight and thinks you are trying to make a statement by sending her a mini-cupcake. She hates getting gifts ever since her father left the family and ran off with the house cleaner Guadalupe on Christmas morning. I think the odds are in your favor for this one.

So preeeettty.

3. Glow sticks– Props to my roommate for exploiting this gem. You don’t have to be a raver to enjoy bright chemicals in plastic casing. Head down to the nearest 99-cent store and buy a handful. Humans are naturally attracted to light and everyone loves colors unless you’re a racist. It only makes sense that the harbinger of colorful lights would become an attractive and sought after figure. Approach the drunkest looking gaggle of geese and wait for them to ask why you brought glow sticks. “Cause I came to fucking rage!!!!” Then you throw glow sticks everywhere. Bawwwsssss.

Potential Flaws: Girl overdosed at a Deadmau5 show. She is a racist environmental prude and doesn’t like plastic or colors.

This is pushing the mental patient line.

4. Get a Weird Haircut and Pretend You’re Australian- Yes, this is super specific, but it works. It is important that you are either from Australia, Wales or New Zealand. There are too many examples of British accents so it’s harder to fake a good one. Irish and Scottish are too hard and ridiculous sounding to pull off. Take a few YouTube accent lessons, head down to Supercuts and get wacky. Rattails, scoops, faux hawk, low hawk, no hawk, initials in the side of your head are all acceptable choices. Girls want fantasy and fairy tale. There is nothing better than happening upon a strange “foreigner” in a dimly lit pub. Keep your talking to a minimum and you’ll also get good listener points.

Potential Flaws: If your accent breaks too much. If the girl is from that country. If your haircut is too weird and makes you look like a mental patient.

I love you babe!

5. Drink a Bunch– Yup, as we get older it becomes more socially uncouth to get rip roaring at a bar and make a fool of yourself. Don’t be scared to take it back to Freshmen Year you from time to time. Chances are someone will be on your level. She may not be “the one” but she is certainly someone. You may not even know or remember what you are saying, but trust me, you will be hollering at anything that will listen. Fats, taco truck ladies, bums, signposts, and pretty much whatever is in your path. You will be like a horny and loud tornado.

Potential Flaws: A lot of shit.

Game of Thrones Recap

8 Jun

This has to be the best intro since John Tesh’s “Roundball Rock” for NBA on NBC. When that cello or whatever the hell it is hits at the :09 second mark I get so excited. I am instantly prepared for murder, rape and deceit. The following is my breakdown of the main characters, their story lines, and some what have yous from the last episode of Season 2.


Tyrrian the Imp– This dude is a badass. I just found out the actor who plays Tyrrian is named Peter Dinklage. I know parents can’t predict midgetry, but maybe science can? (I’m never sure what science is hiding from me) but the bottom line is the dude is a midget named Dinklage! I don’t even want to know how tough his childhood was. I seriously shed a tear just thinking about it. His adult life is pretty awesome though. He is a fantastic actor and has for sure taken the #1 midget acting spot from Mini Me, that black dude from “Me, Myself and Irene” and the cast of Time Bandits. Oh right, Game of Thrones…
After saving out and chopping fools’ knees off on the battlefield, Tyrrian wakes up next to the Old Wise Haggard who tells him he is no longer Hand of the King. Bummer town. Then Bald Dickless shuffles in and insinuates that Tyrrian’s sister, Cerces, was behind his attempted assassination. Double Bummer town!! Then his fine prostitute comes in and tries to get him to flee King’s Landing with her to some dope island where they will drink and fuck their lives away. Awesome! Hold on though. It seems Tyrrian would prefer to stay in King’s Landing and play mind games with murderous weirdos. Suspect move midget, but I’m excited to see how it plays out next season.


King Joffrey– Thissssssss mother fucker. He lets his Mom pull him from battle and retreats to his quarters like a little b.(Not to be mistaken with the Basedgod) Geoffrey is that punk kid in Middle School you just want to hit over and over again in his face. He talks shit all day, and then when you challenge him he tattles. With some encouragement from Cerces and the Old Wise Haggard, he chooses to dump Sansa for a much finer breezay. Oooh Sansa you just got nexted! This is the only time I have ever applauded a decision of Geoffrey’s. I hope he dies soon though.


Stark Girls– Sansa just got dumped and then refused Bizarro Carcetti’s offer to help her out of the city. She had previously declined the Hound’s very same offer. This girl is STOOPS! I wouldn’t mind seeing her die either. Arya is being a cute sav per usual. She escapes with the French Assassin, but declines his offer to learn the art of silently murdering fools. Another stoops move from a Stark. What is wrong with these girls! When a master assassin offers to train you in the dark arts, you say yes…aaannnd he just changed faces!!!! How can you turn this guy down?

Less dragon and more naked please

Calisi– Pays a visit to Jeff Van Gundy’s House of the Undying to get her dragons back. After playing ring around the rosy, she gets sucked into her sub-conscious and reunites with Khal Drogo. When the dream ends, she is chained up next to her dragons. Jeff Van Gundy delivers one of his creepy monologues in which he intends to keep Calisi imprisoned for eternity. Oh hell no. Calisi gives her sultry orgasm face and says some shit in dragon jabber. Flame on! The dragons scorch Jeff Van Gundy’s face off. She then finds Tyler Perry boning her finest wench maiden and isn’t happy. She forces TP to open the vault but finds that it’s empty. Faker. Tyler Perry gets locked up with the fine girl (not a bad way to die) and she loots Qarth for all its worth. Huzzah! Side note: Calisi hasn’t been naked in like 7 episodes. This is unacceptable.

Gave her the old in out in out

Theon Greyjoy/Dude from Clockwork Orange– Well, this guy really lost it. Angry Northerners that want his head surround Winterfell, and it seems his time is up, but wait! He taps into his inner Coach Taylor and delivers a rousing battle speech that…. Boom! Knocked the eff out by his own man. Not quite sure why they put a bag over his head, but nothing good usually happens in life once a bag has been put over your head.

I’m still a Crow

John Snow– This guy must have the best hair product in Westeros. John Snow is the hipsterest of all the Crows. I hear when he’s not looking for Wildlings; he can be found changing the oil on his bio diesel Mercedes, and silk-screening ironic tees. He just can’t stop making that worried yet don’t worry I’m still handsome and good with a sword face. Him and Mike Snow should make a remix to “Animal,” “but I’m still I’m still a Crowwwww.” OK, that was stupid.


Aaron Sorkin and Buff Tilda Swinton– The witty one liners continue….right up until Buff Tilda cuts some dude’s dick off. Good lord, these two better fight.

Nice pull bro

Rob Stark– Married the finest girl we’ve seen so far. Kudos King of the North. Screw your Mom and her constantly furrowed brow.

How did the White Walkers not kill you?

Fat Boy– Being worthless and fat. Can’t run in the snow for some reason. It probably has something to do with his weight and bowl cut. He presumably shits his pants when he sees the white walkers for the first time, A.K.A. Tales of the Crypt Gandalf.

Shit is finally going down and I’m excited!