Tag Archives: bars

Dancing at a Gay Bar

14 May

ImageI was born and raised by very smart and tolerant parents.  I grew up in Berkeley, CA, historically one of the most liberal and culturally open-minded cities in the world.  Using the word gay to describe something as stupid was wiped from my lexicon right around the time Jincos went out of style, and in past years I have congratulated and admired the courage of friends and acquaintances who have come out.  If there were gay rights trading cards, my character would have high tolerance, 9 acceptance, 10 respect, and telekinesis, because that’s awesome.  With all this power and pedigree, however, the moment I stepped foot in the Abbey in West Hollywood and an impish Asian man caressed the chest hair protruding from my modest v-neck, I flipped out.

 

ImageThere are 3 stages a straight man experiences at a gay dance club.  Awe, denial and acceptance.  Along with handsy Asians, there were sweaty go-go dancers, neon cocktails, dudes making out, really hot girls holding hands and a bakery!?  The only words I could muster the first hour were whiskey and ginger.  I wandered the big gay expanse, my glass clutched tight to my chest; taking measured sips ready to hand check the next fun boy who got too fresh.  This was denial.  Petty thoughts began to creep in.  Everyone in here thinks I’m gay don’t they?  They think I like to kiss dudes!?  But who cares right?  I am tolerant and accepting!  I am from Berkeley!!…Oh god is that go-go dancer swinging his dick in concentric circles?!

 

ImageIt was around this time I had a moment of clarity, or my 4th whiskey, whatever.  These guys were having the time of their lives.  There was no pretension, very few games from what I could see and nothing shrouded in mystery.  This was hollering in its purest form, unadulterated and to the point.  Guy thinks guy is hot, makes the approach, grind and drink, make out, maybe share a bear claw, and then go home together.  Respect.  Gay bar etiquette is far more evolved than straight bar game could ever hope to be.

 

ImageAfter a few more whiskeys and a peanut butter cookie (seriously what the hell is going on here? this place is delightful) I accepted my surroundings.  I spent the last hour trying to convince a cute girl from Bahrain I wasn’t gay.  It was an uphill battle, as she pointed out I was wearing a v-neck and had blonde hair, apparently criteria for being a homosexual I was unaware of.  I finally told her I would have sex with her in the bathroom as proof, or in the back of the bakery if she preferred, but she declined and we didn’t speak again. 

 

I left The Abbey proud.  It was amazing to see so many happy people leaving one place.  I wish all bigots and politicians could spend an evening at The Abbey and experience a similar range of emotions that I did.  If only everybody could have the unwavering tolerance and progressive thinking that I….oh my god all these guys are going home to have sex with each other aren’t they?!  Well, at least someone is getting laid.  Acceptance.

 

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Double Negatives

5 Feb

In English grammar, two negatives make a positive. Fortunately, we all know grammar is stupid and that here in real life two negatives just mean two bad things. Here are five double negatives that never aren’t fun…I mean that suck.

Why hello scary lady.

Why hello scary lady.

1. Blue Eye Shadow AND Only Has Guy Friends

This is a frightening combination that usually indicates advanced stages of crazy. While seemingly harmless, blue eye shadow turns a perfectly cute treat into a maniacal nightmare. If you aren’t in Cirque de soleil, auditioning for Requiem for a Dream 2: Ass 2 Ass Again, or contemplating joining the Blue Woman group but are scared to go full blue, then please stop. Also, if a girl you are interested in only has guy friends, you will drive yourself crazy thinking about why that is the case. Classic conversation:
“ Mike and I had so much fun at the museum yesterday.”
“ Who’s Mike?”
“ I’ve told you about Mike. He’s my friend.”
“ You know Mike wants to fuck you right? He wants to fuck you in that museum.”
“No…we’re just friends.”
“Stoops.”

Brutes

Brutes

2. Waking Up Hung Over AND Brita Is Empty

The severity of this predicament depends on the dryness of your mouth, thumpiness of your head, and foulness of your breath, but an empty Brita can ruin your already shitty day. There isn’t a time you appreciate water more as life source than when you wake up after drinking heavily and tasting whatever taco truck hot mess you put in your mouth the night before.

Wrap it up!

Wrap it up!

3. Poorly Wrapped Burrito AND No Sour Cream


One of the most overlooked keys to a quality burrito. I can’t tell you how many times (7 times) I’ve taken a few bites of a potentially tasty burrito, only to have it bottom out or spring a leak. What am I to do now Burrito man!? Huh? Just soak myself in carnitas juice while children laugh and point?! Like a drunken white guy once said in a terribly racist accent, “No es burrito sin crema.” SO true brah.

Tough decisions

Tough decisions

4. Having to Take a Poop at a Bar AND Bathroom is Super Foul

Having to poop at a bar is one of the most uncomfortable feelings one can have. You get flush, wonder if you can muster the focus and abdominal strength to cork it or if it’s too little too late. Then, if you choose to make the bold move, you are at the mercy of bar bathroom maintenance, which can range from sticky floor, no lock on door and no toilet paper to no door at all and questionable substance on toilet seat. Do you hover above trying not to let your pants hit the gross floor, while at the same time being mindful of distance from toilet water to avoid splash back? (A.K.A. The unintentional bidet).

Sweet tote girl.

Sweet tote girl.

5. Shopping at Trader Joe’s AND No Attractive Girls Are Shopping

Grocery shopping is a hassle everywhere, but there is an added element of chaos at TJ’s with the swarm of workers rolling around dollies, re-stocking goods and flying about with reckless abandon. Aisles can be tight, Jalapeno cheddar sticks can be out of stock and tote bags can be forgotten. It’s in these TJ moments I try to remain calm and distract myself by observing the shopping habits of cute hipsters. I find it therapeutic. If there aren’t any cute girls shopping, however, I quickly become stressed out and slightly depressed and usually hang out by the free samples until my confidence returns.

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4 Bad Things About Hipsters That Are Actually Good

13 Dec

I have spent a combined 3 years living in the Mission district and Silverlake. While my attire has certainly become more indie-band friendly, hipsters and me haven’t always seen eye to Italian frame with the lens popped out eye. I think they should eat more, and they want me to DJ rare vinyl at the such and such hut. I think they should learn how to play sports, they think I should learn graphic design. They like PBR and I…wait, I like PBR too. The stereotypes are endless, yet so is the amount of crossover. So who is the hipster, and what really makes them so bad? Maybe that damn Christmas spirit has got me all introspective and sympathetic, but I swear to God this is an unironic defense of the most shit on majority/minority of my generation.

1) Drink PBR– I don’t know if you guys heard, but we are all headed toward a fiscal cliff. A fiscal cliff! Our economy resembles Pacquiao after his latest fight and jobs are harder to come by than ever. Ask Alex Smith. Whoa! Now that’s some topical stuff. PBR is routinely the cheapest drink at any bar and surprisingly doesn’t taste like piss. All those flannel shirt assholes drinking PBR aren’t hipsters, they’re economists.hipster pbr

2) Riding Fixed Gear Bicycles– I hated on this once upon a time. “Look at those idiots rocking back and forth at the stoplight.” Then I got over the fact that the gears are fixed and realized they have impeccable balance. Think of all the money they save on gas that goes straight to their PBR fund. Not only are they thrifty, but also they are environmentally friendly. Bicycling is great exercise and lessons carbon footprints or whatever. Did your parents never teach you how to ride a bike? Do you hate Al Gore and Earth? Then shut up.hipster fixed gear

3) Fashion Sense– While I can’t endorse those super skinny jeans that are like vice grips for your junk, I generally respect and have even adopted various “hipster” stylings. Some people look like idiots, and if they do then it’s more than appropriate to make fun of them, but at least give them credit for being bold and progressive. I’ve met plenty of pretentious assholes in a button-up and jeans. While I do wish some girls wouldn’t dress like part-time archeologists, I applaud quirkiness in all its forms.

P.S. Please limit your archeologist outfits to twice a week. I think that’s fair.hipster fashion

4) Pseudo creativity- I don’t quite know how to address this issue. We’ve all heard shitty bands, been to stale art gallery openings and seen depressingly bad open mic comedy. The subjective nature of whether something is good or bad is always up for debate, but the creation of that art, in any form, is important and irrefutable. We lose so much of our creative juice as we age that we sometimes forget how the process works. It is necessary for all of us to engage in creative pursuits as often as we can to remind ourselves that we are still capable of great things. So just because you didn’t like “insert ridiculous indie band name here” last album, doesn’t mean they didn’t have the time of their life making it. Ok, I’ll put down the whiskey and stop getting so senti.

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Thoughts from an Indie Show

31 Oct

1,2 and ya don’t stop…literally.

Sound check– If you aren’t a famous headlining band; keep that shit to a minimum. I watched an unknown group of idiots say, “1, 2” into a microphone while gesturing to some shadowy hipster in the back for over 25 minutes. This is unacceptable. Do you know how much negative anticipation is built? How awesome you have to be to justify 25 minutes of nonsense with waning arch support in my hep shoes? Pretty damn awesome, and they fell short. I was gone after the first song.

I want to start a group called The Soundchecks where all we do is dress in skinnies and swooping v’s and check the levels on stage, never actually playing more than a few chords in no particular progression. Most in the audience will detest our existence, but one scruffy shitgoat with an influential blog will coin us the Andy Kaufmanns of the indie music scene making us the hottest shit in Echo Park for a month. We will all date cute, malnourished women with pale skin and ride our iconoclastic status until we are pressured to finally release an actual song, which will be terrible, and eventually our lack of musical talent will force the group to take a break and reassess the merits of law school.

Rumpy Chaplin

Weird Chicks– Unlike clubs, bars and parties where women generally choose clothes that accentuate parts of their body, women at concerts around these parts tend to look like… Fill in the whoride.

– Indiana Jone’s understudy
– Your 5th grade production of Shakespeare’s The Tempest
– Punky Brewster’s foreign cousin, Rumpy Mooster
– Someone who collects recycling for a living
– An evil sustainable farmer
– Charlie Chaplin in less modern clothes
– An extra from a yet to be released indie film, “We’re Fucking Cooler Than You.”

I’ve seen girls wearing shorts that give them wedgies. Some wear things called rompers, which make it look like they have pooped themselves. Other times they wear something on their arm that looks like an androgynous skeletor…oops, that’s your boyfriend? My bad.

How dare you small girl!

The Ambience – This is of course contingent on the venue, but if I don’t have arch support, a good amount of booze and an exit strategy you better believe there will be some low-key freaking out on my part. One of the worst feelings in life is to be trapped in a crowd where everyone is more fucked up than you. It is intolerable. Every shoulder bump, foot smash, small girl’s aggressive elbow to your back is an affront to your humanity. Even the cute little white Pocahontas’ with their feather headdresses and adorable prancing get on your nerves. Call me square or close-minded, but I can’t just will myself to dance if I have no connection to the music or group. People who freely gangle about to any sequence of chords frighten me. All I ask for is beer under 7 bucks, a few attractive girls who aren’t completely fried and a bus route nearby if case The Soundchecks go on too long.

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5 Unconventional Hollers at Bars

18 Jul

Sometimes you walk into a bar and feel like Bradley Pitt. I assume he would do well at a bar. Other nights you just don’t have your mojo. You feel paralyzed by exhaustion, fear, poor wardrobe choices, sobriety and ESPN highlights. The mere thought of striking up a conversation with a female makes you want to go home and re-watch season 1 of Game of Thrones. (Let’s be honest, Season 2 was a little brutes until the last three episodes) Wahh! I don’t have a clever opener. Wahh! I’m ugly and overweight. Wahh! I’m a baby, who let me into this bar? No more excuses boys. Here are 5 unique ways to holler at girls that set you apart from the pack.

This person wins.

1. Challenge Her to a Drawing Contest– Most women like art; consider themselves artistic or think they know what art is. This approach shows confidence and a competitive nature. It’s an added bonus if you can actually draw, but if you are like me and got a C- in Visual Arts in High School, then simply use your time together drawing as an excuse to display other appealing traits if you have them.

Potential Flaws: If you are not a good artist AND don’t have any redeeming character traits please don’t use this approach as you will likely come off as creepy. Nobody wants to silently draw a unicorn in a packed bar and be passively critiqued by a weirdo.

The girl is stoops.

She is an awesome artist and judges your silly shitscribblings and decides she doesn’t find you attractive.

She’s such an awful artist that you think for a minute she in incapable of producing anything beautiful and you flash-forward to what your kids might look like and excuse yourself to the bathroom to yak.

Look how happy she is.

2. Send Her Something Other than a Drink– Oh, you sent her over a vodka martini with extra olives, what a cool guy you are. That shows no creativity or effort. You didn’t make the drink; you just watched too many Bond movies and have access to legal tender. All that shows is you have money. (As I get older I realize how important this is to girls….BUT that’s beside the point for now) I suggest sending over a mini-cupcake, or a full sized one depending on the largess of the lady. Other items that work include a Hershey’s kiss, mix tape, left over pad thai…OK you get it though.

Potential flaws: If the girl is insecure about her weight and thinks you are trying to make a statement by sending her a mini-cupcake. She hates getting gifts ever since her father left the family and ran off with the house cleaner Guadalupe on Christmas morning. I think the odds are in your favor for this one.

So preeeettty.

3. Glow sticks– Props to my roommate for exploiting this gem. You don’t have to be a raver to enjoy bright chemicals in plastic casing. Head down to the nearest 99-cent store and buy a handful. Humans are naturally attracted to light and everyone loves colors unless you’re a racist. It only makes sense that the harbinger of colorful lights would become an attractive and sought after figure. Approach the drunkest looking gaggle of geese and wait for them to ask why you brought glow sticks. “Cause I came to fucking rage!!!!” Then you throw glow sticks everywhere. Bawwwsssss.

Potential Flaws: Girl overdosed at a Deadmau5 show. She is a racist environmental prude and doesn’t like plastic or colors.

This is pushing the mental patient line.

4. Get a Weird Haircut and Pretend You’re Australian- Yes, this is super specific, but it works. It is important that you are either from Australia, Wales or New Zealand. There are too many examples of British accents so it’s harder to fake a good one. Irish and Scottish are too hard and ridiculous sounding to pull off. Take a few YouTube accent lessons, head down to Supercuts and get wacky. Rattails, scoops, faux hawk, low hawk, no hawk, initials in the side of your head are all acceptable choices. Girls want fantasy and fairy tale. There is nothing better than happening upon a strange “foreigner” in a dimly lit pub. Keep your talking to a minimum and you’ll also get good listener points.

Potential Flaws: If your accent breaks too much. If the girl is from that country. If your haircut is too weird and makes you look like a mental patient.

I love you babe!

5. Drink a Bunch– Yup, as we get older it becomes more socially uncouth to get rip roaring at a bar and make a fool of yourself. Don’t be scared to take it back to Freshmen Year you from time to time. Chances are someone will be on your level. She may not be “the one” but she is certainly someone. You may not even know or remember what you are saying, but trust me, you will be hollering at anything that will listen. Fats, taco truck ladies, bums, signposts, and pretty much whatever is in your path. You will be like a horny and loud tornado.

Potential Flaws: A lot of shit.

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Drunk Guy Confuses Del Taco For In and Out, Regrets Decision

15 Mar

Joseph Linzusky left his friends at the bar around 1:30 AM last Saturday.
“I was hungry, “ said 33 year-old Linzusky. “I only ate a bowl of Annie’s macaroni before going out, and I had a couple beers in me.”
Linzusky, who consumed numerous whiskey shots and a dozen beers in the span of four hours continued down the street in search of food, passing taco trucks and small Latina women cooking delicious things with bacon. He claims that normally he would stop at a taco truck, but a tall, shimmery red and yellow sign distracted him.
“Look man I’m not racist, I like Mexicans or whatever, but I thought I saw a sign for In and Out. I guess I was pretty buzzed.”
Many fast food chains including McDonalds, Carls Jr., Five Guys and Del Taco use the red and yellow color scheme in their logo. Del Taco Public Relations Manager James Johns maintains this is no coincidence.
“Did we copy the red and yellow scheme to confuse drunk people into thinking we’re In and Out? Yes, absolutely. Have you ever seen someone in a Del Taco during the day? No sober person would ever make that decision.”
Linzusky knew he was in trouble when he saw the depressed cashier, an out of order bathroom and two homeless men playing checkers.
“In and Out has a happier vibe generally. The workers are in a good mood and it smells like it should.”
To-Go order person Lidia Guzman who works weekends at Del Taco agrees. “I hate working here. I hate the people I work with and everyone who comes in. I’ve never even tried a taco from here.”
Linzusky says he considered leaving once he realized his mistake, but the line was really short and the food priced generously.
“It’s 49 cents for a taco. That’s ridiculous. Of course I’m going to buy multiple tacos at those prices.”
After actually eating the tacos and spending an unusually brutal morning on the toilet, Linzusky concluded that the costs might not outweigh the benefits.
“I ended up missing the first half-day of work. I probably won’t go back there.”

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