Archive | July, 2013

Things You’ve Stopped Doing Since College

29 Jul

reggaeReggae- Wahhhhh Wahhhh (air horn) Bhuaaaa! Whether you had a bong toking, Buju Banton spinning roommate who selassied the selectahs, or hacked some sack with a chilled out loper listening to Sizzla sing about Batty Boys, you probably got your fair share of the Ragu during College. It was hard not to love Reggae, it just went so well with all your activities, like: Smoke then eat, smoke then go to class, smoke then study, smoke then listen to Reggae and smoke. While yours truly is still known to slap some Don Carlos on a Sunday morning, I’m willing to bet the majority of you have exchanged your favorite piece for a pack of American Spirits and a band nobody has heard of. Squares.

animeAnime-
“Dude, do you want to come over after class and watch Naruto: Shippuden?”
“No.”
“OK, well I’ve also got the first season of Cowboy Bebop. Its got really good jazz music—
“Please stop.”
I would rather have strep throat for the rest of my life than watch one more second of Anime. “But Princess Mononoke….” Enough! I don’t like it. You cannot force me to enjoy this nonsense. Thankfully, those who still enjoy Anime have been socially ridiculed to the point of hiding their DVD’s in some dark corner of shame.

acidAcid- Now this clearly does not apply to everyone. There are still a few situations in which dropping ass (Have I given away my age?) Is encouraged and welcomed. Music festivals, and long weekends are fine venues to trip balls, but I include Acid in the mix because of the time it takes to come down. In College one could theoretically be on acid until graduation. Oh, you have Intro to Cinema Monday morning? Who cares!? A five-paragraph essay where you quote books you barely read and couldn’t be bothered to write an original thought? Drop that ass. You’ll do just fine. Now compare that to reporting to your 9-5 Monday morning, how quickly would you be fired? 10 Am? Lunch? When is the next long weekend?

skate fallSkateboarding- If you are sitting down right now, go ahead and fall off your chair. If you are past the age of 25, see how long it takes you to get back up. How many grunts did it take? You might even still be rolling around clutching your limp broken wrist on the floor. Now imagine you are moving at 20 MPH and eat shit face first on concrete. In College, you may just get up bloody, wipe off the gravel and keep carving, but at this age you are crumpled up in a twisted mess of brittle bones and thinking about the impending hospital bill and how Obama Care only covers up until 26. Obama!!!

pajama pantsDoing Shit in Your Pajamas- Getting up at 11 AM everyday can be hard, but don’t worry, now you can sleep right up until your class starts with the help of pajama pants. Pajamas are the perfect don’t give a fuck pant. Got a tough test? Pajamas will provide you with the comfort you need to keep calm and ace it. Party later tonight? No worries, its probably a pajamas party, and if its not everyone will be too drunk to notice or care that you are wearing your crusty flannel jammies. Try wearing that shit outside as an adult. Try getting a girlfriend and a job. Try not getting tears on the drawstrings of your sad excuse for a pant while you eat an overly salted cambells chicken and rice soup. The only time pajamas should be worn is by bananas, when they are coming down the stairs.

40'sDrinking 40’s- College Kid #1: “What are you doing tonight?”

College Kid#2: “Probably just drink a Mickey’s and smoke a blunt. Shit, maybe I’ll even get a second one and duct tape it to my hand so I get really wasted then go to Maggie’s party.”

College Kid # 1: “Dude, sounds like an awesome night.”

Adult #1: “What are you doing tonight?”

Adult #2: “I’m going to drink 40 ounces of terrible liquid and barf in a toilet for a few hours. Probably won’t make it to Maggie’s thing.

Adult#1: “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

The 7 First Dates

17 Jul

first dateMuch like there are only 7 plots to a story, there are only 7 first dates you can go on. I wish it wasn’t true, but the cold, hard and damp facts are that we don’t usually care enough about someone on a first date to really impress them so we recycle these tired outings out of convenience and lethargy. I have had the exhaustive pleasure of sampling these ideas and I’m here to tell you the pros and cons of the unimaginative, lazy man’s first date. Feel free to stray from the norm, but lets be honest, you’re the norm.

Coffee- A.KA. Who can cork their doo-doo longer?

Pros: Cheap. Can lead to something else after. You get a good idea of what the person looks like in the daytime and how well they converse. It’s an easy out for both parties if things aren’t going well.

Cons: It’s daytime, so if you’re gunning for a hit and run, you’re bummed. Do you like chatting? Good! Cause you’re going to chat your face off! You’ll learn more about this girl’s cat, parent’s divorce, why she prefers Bradley Coops to The Gosling and other super interesting tid bits that you never really wanted to know.

Grab a Drink- A.K.A. I’d bone you and never call A.K.A. I’m going to need help to get thru this.

Pros: Forget concealer, foundation, rouge, eyeliner and lipstick. All both of us need is a little dim lighting. If dim lighting could be packaged and sold I would be super rich. Watch out Sephora! If dim lighting had a bestie, it would be alcohol. These two buds work some pretty awesome magic. Also, there is more of a chance to use the line, “Do you want to get out of here?” which we all know is douche shiek.

Cons: Sometimes alcohol overpowers lighting and your drunk personality is far grosser than slight pudge or crooked teeth. It’s usually loud and difficult to talk, so if you like to scream at a face, you’re in the clear. Drinks can be pricey, especially if you’re a stand up guy and foot the bill.

Hiking – A.K.A. I want to see you in Yoga pants

Pros: Both can display athleticism and coordination. Exercise releases endorphins, which makes one prone to bone. Wilderness lends itself to intimate chats. LULU LEMONS!!!!!

Cons: Watching girls do sports related activities can sometimes be brutal. Lots of huffing, puffing and back sweat. Too tired to do anything after.

Bowling, Pool, Mini Golf- A.K.A If you suck at these AND aren’t cute about it its over.

Pros: Brings out competitive nature in both. You get an opportunity to see if she can talk some shit and take it. There are classic opportunities to “teach” her how to bowl, putt, and hold the cue, which is really just an excuse to get handsy.

Cons: If the girl beats you it’s pretty depressing. Like you can try to play it off and act like you don’t care, but if you have any pride it will most likely haunt you for some time and effect your self-confidence. Conversely, if you are overly competitive and weird about beating her, she might think you are trying to humiliate her and get turned off. You will deny your intent, but every one knows you’re out for the W.

Dinner and a Movie- A.K.A. The snooze off.

Pros: You get to eat

Cons: Shit is boring

Go to a Show- A.K.A. I’m cultured and stuff

Pros: Potential to dance and see if she’s got some moves. Shows you have good taste and know about cool things.

Cons: If you are bad at dancing she will think you are bad at sex. If you have bad arch support you will be uncomfortable. If the music sucks you will have a bad time. Pretty bad idea actually.

Netflix Night- A.K.A I don’t really want to watch Downtown Abbey with You, but we can bone.

Pros: Get to watch an award winning show and maybe makeout or something.

Cons: Your advances are thwarted and you realize this a terrible mistake. Not only are you firmly placed into the friend zone, but now you are forced to watch British people in costume talk for an hour. Just terrible.

Give Yourself to Love, Whiskey and Riverball

9 Jul

wavy gravyThe Kate Wolf Festival, A.K.A. The Crunchy Man’s Coachella, A.K.A. Old People Can Still Have Fun Too 2013, is a beautiful breeding ground for foot-stomping folk music, whiskey swigging jam sessions, and aging white liberals dancing off beat. I had the pleasure of spending four days as a guest and volunteer on Wavy Gravy’s Black Oak Ranch in Laytonville, CA. Here is what happened.

Thursday: Arrive at check in. Immediately met with small town sass and sarcasm regarding paperwork. I load my retort only to be thwarted by dry mouth, vicious back sweat and the realization that picking a fight with an old sassy hippy isn’t the way I want to start my festi. GIVE YOURSELF TO LOVE DAWG!

It takes about two hours before a full-fledged sing-along at my campsite breaks out, complete with electric bass, mandolins and a moon puff. I don’t know what the record is, but this seems quick. I barely drove in the steaks of my tent before someone started expertly finger picking the beginning of a song I didn’t know. Jesus this is serious. I soon realize how few songs I know the lyrics to. Damn you Pac and Mac Dre! You are making me look bad in front of my folk friends!

Friday: Start my first volunteer shift at the Kid Zone. The director informs us that we will have to be on our game this year as two children last year contracted hand, foot and mouth disease from playing in the bird seed naked. Quick excerpt from that pep talk:

“Okay guys, due to the hand, foot and mouth snafu of last year, lets just try our best to keep the children…you know, clothed to the best of our abilities…and really you know, just have a good time out there.”

After orientation it becomes very apparent Kid Zone is going to be wacky. Let’s review other Kid Zone highlights.

Kids Open Mic– One kid got on the mic and dropped these rare jewels. “Jussss—tiinnn- BIEBER! Heeeeeeee swimmmmss innnn theeeee WATER!” On repeat for about 10 minutes. Another slobbery youth just yelled for about 5 minutes. No show time at the Apollo cane here. The Kid Zone is about freedom of expression and a director who naps in the shade tent.

Sequoia – “Hi, I’m Sequoia. My online boyfriend cheated on me and got Chlamydia.” After quickly googling to make sure one can’t contract an STD online, I continued down the frightening rabbit hole. I have never been so baffled and frightened talking to a 14 year old before. Her mom flew her out to this dude’s 16th B day in Chicago, but also called the FBI on her first online boyfriend who turned out to be a sex predator. Jeez Mom, maybe install a firewall, cancel Comcast for a couple months? Love your child? I felt obligated to give her some kind of advice, but all I could muster was, “Sequoia, you cray.”

That hay looks familiar...

That hay looks familiar…

Saturday: This will be a choose your own adventure. I will give you two scenarios and you can guess which is more applicable to my actual Saturday.

Scenario 1: Stayed well hydrated, applied requisite amounts of sunscreen, sang old folk songs, ate a healthy dinner, listened politely to some great music while sipping a high end beer and slept like a baby in my tent.

Scenario 2: Got ripped off tequila and whiskey, applied little to no sun screen while playing rings on hot rocks, reggae scatted about getting my balls licked, whipped myself into a frenzy and “danced” with girls while demanding sips from any and all nearby refreshments and maybe, just maybe ate too many samosas and passed out in a hay bale.

Sunday: RIVERBALL! While my sporting nature yearns for a more competitive game, you can’t really go wrong with playing a huge game of baseball in a river with your friends. There are few things like it. Maybe a game of softball in a lake would come close, but regardless it’s a special and awesome activity that signifies the home stretch of the festi.

Clang! Cling! Clang! That can only mean one thing. Rings! I probably spent half my time at Kate Wolf trying to toss industrial sized washers into a hole 15 feet away from me, and although I was whipped rather thoroughly, my obsession grew, and I vow to all those who bested me that I shall return stronger and with more arc on my throws!

The festival ended with what else but a group sing-along. It was difficult, but after relaxing river dips, drinking with friends, and camping under a beautiful sky, I finally gave myself to love. As soon as I left I got stuck in traffic in Willits and had to give myself back to hate, but there is always next year.