Tag Archives: early adulthood

Classes I Should Have Taken

4 Mar

college jeapordyRecently I watched a college edition of Jeopardy. Everyone knows College Jeopardy is for pussies, but we all need victories no matter how petty, so I made sure the idiot from Dartmouth heard my condescending screams thru the TV. I performed admirably, but as the three awkward students shook Trebek’s hand at the end of the game I was left to wonder; how smart am I? It’s a hard thing to measure in your adult life. I’m not in class anymore, there are no scantrons or blue books to test what knowledge I do have, and to be honest some days I wonder if the information I learn is really all that important.

am i smart?If I wanted to impress you I would sit you down and tell you all about the spread of Islam, specifically how it related to Spain’s early history and how there was a beautiful yet controversial period called the convivencia in which Jews, Muslims and Christians all lived together in relative harmony until the crusades, church and the reconquista squashed it all. I could confidently mumble my way through the definition of what a quasar is, and might even be able to tell you what Boo Radley really represents in To Kill a Mockingbird. These are facts and theories that are not my own that I can spit out at a moments notice. When repeated properly to a willing audience, they provide a thin veneer of what many of us consider to be education and intelligence. I, however, am not so sure of this.

college andyI graduated from a 4-year institution with modest accolades. I never pushed myself too hard, nor did I allow myself to fall behind. Let me be clear before I continue that I would not trade those 4 years for anything (maybe a jetpack with unlimited fuel) because I met the most amazing people and had unforgettable experiences. Some would argue that socialization, learning how to behave in a pack, and thus becoming a quality citizen is the true objective of College, and if that is the case then College was a great success for me. I am more concerned with the education we receive from 4-year institutions in the U.S. and specifically the classes we are offered.

My sophomore year I chose to take a class called Earth Science and the Cinema. Yes, you read that correctly. We would watch clips of popular disaster movies like Twister, Armageddon and Deep Impact and then do simple math problems to prove why these disasters as portrayed in the movies would never happen that way. It satisfied my quantitative requirement as well as my penchant for shitty disaster movies. It was all very funny back then, and in many ways still is, but it’s also very sad. It’s sad students had the option to waste 6 weeks like this, it’s sad the university wasn’t more creative or progressive in their offerings, and in times of intellectual doubt, and we all have those times, I can’t help but think back to Earth Science and the Cinema and wonder what the hell I was doing.

college burYou can point to many reasons why these problems exist. Institutional bureaucracy is hard to deal with. Things don’t change with the snap of a finger. For me, College came too early. I wasn’t ready to be smart and seek out my own education. Maybe I would have been better served taking time off and traveling or working, or completing my general education requirements at a community college for a fraction of the cost. I chose to major in history early on because it was the class I didn’t fall asleep in during high school. Many other students pick their classes based on their friends, sleep and or drinking schedules. These choices don’t matter a whole lot when you exist within the colligate bubble, but what problems do they potentially create once you graduate? I may not want to trade those 4 years I spent for anything, but if I were creating classes to best aid students in “the real world,” I would do things a little different. The following is a mock syllabus of a course I’d like to call #Realworldshit (You know, to appeal to the youth or whatever).

Week 1 – Graphic Design

• A skill that allows you to call yourself an artist while getting paid? Awesome. Sometimes the freelance life can be stressful, but as long as there are movies, concerts, companies, ads etc… Graphic designers will be in demand. Go torrent Adobe Illustrator and Photoshop and lets get started.

Week 2- Web Design

• Similar to week 1, but this week will focus on HTML, basic coding and maybe some looks into Ruby design and app development. Kids are on their phone and apps all the time; let’s make their appsurd ideas a reality.

Week 3 – Tax Returns and The IRS

• These guys aren’t just bad guys and assholes in movies? What!? Yup, they exist and want your W-2’s, A-1’s, and G-6’s. I made up the last two, but maybe you don’t know that I did. Some basic financial knowledge goes a long way.

Week 4 – Car Maintenance

• You don’t need to be a grease monkey, but checking your own oil, jumping your car and changing a tire are all things you should have in your carsenal (sorry). Plus girls get super wet when you can do car things.

Week 5 – Actually Learn A Language

• Juan and Pablo sit at a café: Juan: Hola Pablo, como estas?—Eff this shit. You will never learn anything this way. I think studying abroad should be mandatory. It’s the best way to learn a language, learn about yourself and meet hot foreign people in the process.

Week 6 – Ping Pong

• It’s just a great game.

grad with debtMaybe one week for each of these is too short, maybe they deserve their own semesters, or even majors, but I can guarantee the world at large does not care how many times you can use the word ‘hegemony’ in a sentence. There is no premium placed on the general knowledge of anything, in fact, life can be quite specific and often rewards those who seek out its niches. We need to take responsibility for our education. I still don’t know whether I am smart, but I know damn well I don’t crush at Jeopardy because I took Earth Science and the Cinema.

Between Beer Pong and Babies

13 Jan

It’s hard to party in your late 20’s. You’re too old for clubs, too tired from work, and too bored for bars. House parties would be fun if more people danced, and dinner parties would be awesome if there weren’t babies there. Yes, human babies. This is starting to happen in my life and I’m not down.

Babies are the new age beer pong. They are both the unnecessary focal point of a party. Beer pong in the wrong hands, and in the wrong environment is poison. The game has a bro tractor beam, which would be great if all the terrible people at a party were somehow sucked into vortex and rendered speechless the rest of the night, but this is not the case. Good people are sucked into the vortex as well, and so they stand there with hands in pockets muttering, “who’s got next?” The competitors at the table are a complete mess and are elevated to momentary celebrity status as the pong-less peasants hang on their every word, “Lemme get a re-rack bitch!” Lolz. Classic.

beer pongBabies are harder to hate so passionately. They can sometimes be funny for like a minute. Otherwise, they are the worst guests ever. They cry, scream, slobber and fall asleep everywhere. Imagine you invite an adult to your house, and he or she shows up crying, spits everywhere on your floor, makes a couple incomprehensible noises while flailing his limbs and then passes out. You might laugh for a second, but ultimately I would hope you call 911 and never talk to them again. You would ask this person to leave, and so I am asking babies to kindly leave.

babyBabies are also huge cockblocks. Everything they do in public is applauded and cheered. They are the party show-off you can’t call a dick, cause everyone will call you a dick for calling a baby a dick. Baby dick. There is no competing and it frustrates me to no end.

So I remain in purgatory. I’m too cripplingly self-aware to throw balls in cups of shitty beer, and too immature to start a family, but I still want to party. If you are ever bored, shoot me a text sometime and we can kick it in limbo together until our moms tell us they really, really want grandkids.

Things You’ve Stopped Doing Since College

29 Jul

reggaeReggae- Wahhhhh Wahhhh (air horn) Bhuaaaa! Whether you had a bong toking, Buju Banton spinning roommate who selassied the selectahs, or hacked some sack with a chilled out loper listening to Sizzla sing about Batty Boys, you probably got your fair share of the Ragu during College. It was hard not to love Reggae, it just went so well with all your activities, like: Smoke then eat, smoke then go to class, smoke then study, smoke then listen to Reggae and smoke. While yours truly is still known to slap some Don Carlos on a Sunday morning, I’m willing to bet the majority of you have exchanged your favorite piece for a pack of American Spirits and a band nobody has heard of. Squares.

“Dude, do you want to come over after class and watch Naruto: Shippuden?”
“OK, well I’ve also got the first season of Cowboy Bebop. Its got really good jazz music—
“Please stop.”
I would rather have strep throat for the rest of my life than watch one more second of Anime. “But Princess Mononoke….” Enough! I don’t like it. You cannot force me to enjoy this nonsense. Thankfully, those who still enjoy Anime have been socially ridiculed to the point of hiding their DVD’s in some dark corner of shame.

acidAcid- Now this clearly does not apply to everyone. There are still a few situations in which dropping ass (Have I given away my age?) Is encouraged and welcomed. Music festivals, and long weekends are fine venues to trip balls, but I include Acid in the mix because of the time it takes to come down. In College one could theoretically be on acid until graduation. Oh, you have Intro to Cinema Monday morning? Who cares!? A five-paragraph essay where you quote books you barely read and couldn’t be bothered to write an original thought? Drop that ass. You’ll do just fine. Now compare that to reporting to your 9-5 Monday morning, how quickly would you be fired? 10 Am? Lunch? When is the next long weekend?

skate fallSkateboarding- If you are sitting down right now, go ahead and fall off your chair. If you are past the age of 25, see how long it takes you to get back up. How many grunts did it take? You might even still be rolling around clutching your limp broken wrist on the floor. Now imagine you are moving at 20 MPH and eat shit face first on concrete. In College, you may just get up bloody, wipe off the gravel and keep carving, but at this age you are crumpled up in a twisted mess of brittle bones and thinking about the impending hospital bill and how Obama Care only covers up until 26. Obama!!!

pajama pantsDoing Shit in Your Pajamas- Getting up at 11 AM everyday can be hard, but don’t worry, now you can sleep right up until your class starts with the help of pajama pants. Pajamas are the perfect don’t give a fuck pant. Got a tough test? Pajamas will provide you with the comfort you need to keep calm and ace it. Party later tonight? No worries, its probably a pajamas party, and if its not everyone will be too drunk to notice or care that you are wearing your crusty flannel jammies. Try wearing that shit outside as an adult. Try getting a girlfriend and a job. Try not getting tears on the drawstrings of your sad excuse for a pant while you eat an overly salted cambells chicken and rice soup. The only time pajamas should be worn is by bananas, when they are coming down the stairs.

40'sDrinking 40’s- College Kid #1: “What are you doing tonight?”

College Kid#2: “Probably just drink a Mickey’s and smoke a blunt. Shit, maybe I’ll even get a second one and duct tape it to my hand so I get really wasted then go to Maggie’s party.”

College Kid # 1: “Dude, sounds like an awesome night.”

Adult #1: “What are you doing tonight?”

Adult #2: “I’m going to drink 40 ounces of terrible liquid and barf in a toilet for a few hours. Probably won’t make it to Maggie’s thing.

Adult#1: “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

The Mid 20’s Shoenundrum

17 Aug

After returning from my first day of Kindergarten my parents asked me how it went. Instead of answering like a normal person, I proceeded to tell them what kind of shoe every kid in my class was wearing like some kind of autistic Zappos employee. When all the other children would take off their shoes to play in the park, I would velcro my L.A. Gear tighter and light up the shit out of that grass. Shoes helped me kick the back of nerd’s chairs, outrun my first teacher, impress my first girl and boot my first homerun in kickball. I have always been more or less at the top of my shoe game. Keds slip ons. Check. Pumps and Gears. Worn. The Sean Kemps. Ramalamadingdong! Jordans V-IV. Copped. I’ve been riding at the crest of the wave for two decades, looking like Kelly Slater with shoes on, until now.

Such a hep and responsible shoe

I sucked it up and bought a plaid shirt. I went shopping with a girl and she convinced me to buy considerably more form fitting jeans. (Will never admit to Skinnies). I even bought a swooping pastel v, but never did I think the day would come when I had to buy “adult shoes.” We’ve all seen them. I believe their actual name is wing tips, but I’ll call them fucking adult shoes. They are suede and they make you look fantastic and responsible. Maybe it is a psychological barrier I have constructed to slow my maturation into a full-fledged adult, but whatever the case, I’m starting to feel judged by the shoes that I wear. The shoes you step out the door with in the morning (or late afternoon if you’re an effin loser) carry connotations whether you want them to or not.

Oooh the reds

Vans– You might skateboard, but you probably don’t. Maybe you were enchanted with the idea until you realized how painful it is to fall off, so you kept the Vans to give you steez points. I don’t blame you. Vans are a versatile shoe that goes well with both shorts and pants. They embody the essence of simps casual and can be worn to the beach or the club. Vans carry a bit of a dude vibe, but guess what? Some dudes are super sweet so lay off bro.


Flip-Flops– I don’t know how many times I have to say this. IF YOU AREN”T AT THE BEACH, YOU CAN’T WEAR FLIP-FLOPS! You look like a real joke. “But these are Rainbows and they have formed to my feet patterns….” Shut it, and refer back to my line where you look like a joke. Also, don’t even think about wearing them with pants-….oh god, you are going to wear them with pants aren’t you?

Which side is starboard again?

Boat Shoes– These things have become popular somehow. I’d say they are mostly a sunny day, go to brunch, bottomless mimosa kind of shoe. When you put these on you are saying I’m ready for a hootenanny, and I could possibly help out on starboard if need be.

Running Shoes- If you aren’t jogging, visiting a foreign city or a genius, running shoes says you either have a terrible back or you have given up. There is nothing more pathetic that a pair of tattered jeans and crusty New Balances. Step your game up.

Toms– Are you a Chinese labor worker? 15th century court Jester? Elf in Santa’s workshop? No? Then take those off.

Jordans– This is a tough one. Shelling out $150 for Jordans used to make you the bell of the ball. Now, as much as it pains me to say it, rocking Jordans makes you look a bit dated and clunky. While MJ is still revered, his shoes reached their cool apex in 2001.

Nike Air Max– What a pompous shoe! These kicks haven’t gone down in price since ’95. I didn’t study econ, but something seems fishy about that.

Get to stompin

Air Force Ones- Much like Nelly, these shoes can only be found in old music videos and probably for good reason.

Ankle snaps

Converse– Chucks make you look cool, calm and comfortable without actually feeling any of those things. There is absolutely no support to this shoe. It’s a wonder how every ball player until the 70’s didn’t snap their ankle the second they stepped on the court.

Adult Shoes– Congrats! You made it. You’re an adult. You’ve taken that step that says I’m ready to start dating girls my own age, paying for my cell phone and washing my dishes immediately after the meal. This shoe says you’ve been to a foreign country, your balls are big and there are more than three $20 bills in your leather wallet. Well done guy.

You did it buddy.