Archive | November, 2013

Songs That List Names of Girls

25 Nov

Music industry executives are constantly under pressure to find the next big thing. There are certain formulas that work better than others. One of the most under utilized hit making strategy is the song with a bunch of girl names. It’s a tried and true staple of our sonic landscape and one that never fails to entertain. I would be an excellent record executive. I would tell all my artists regardless of genre to create a catchy melody and then just sing the names of every girl they ever knew. It would be the best selling record of all time, until my next artist who did the same thing would top it. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself.

Petey Pablo – Freek a Leek

How you like it daddy? Daddy loves it. Daddy loves it so much that daddy stumbled across how many times he listened to it on iTunes and let’s just say it’s over 100. Shameika, Keisha, Tara…Shonda, Sabrina, Crystal, Daronda…I could go on, and apparently so can Petey Pablo. This song has two pretty amazing verses as well, which describe Petey’s various sexual proclivities. Sorry ladies, he’s not going to perform cunnilingus because he ain’t drunk enough to do that. I would be just as satisfied though if he cut these verses and made a 3 minute song that was just names of various girls he’s fucked. I would also encourage him to explore other ethnicities and names. Maybe each verse becomes a freek a liciously geographical linguistic adventure. Get at me Pete.

DMX – What These Bitches Want

This song is very typical DMX until around the 1:30 mark when he unleashes the most impressive list of women’s names we find out later, “were all treated fairly, but yet and still…bitches on some other shit now that he’s fuckin with Dru Hill.” This list is far more comprehensive than Petey Pablo’s. There are more women and seemingly of different ethnic backgrounds making it at times difficult to believe. Diane?! Come on dog, we all know you didn’t get with a Diane. Pesky Sabrina also makes the list again. She seems to be a busy and ambitious lady and I applaud her for that. DMX also incorporates his trademark collection of adlibs, barks, growls, whats and whooos, which really add to the confusion and excitement. All in all this seems to be an introspective analysis of why DMX’s relationships have failed rather than a braggadocios horn toot of how fame can get you lots of pussy.

Lou Bega- Mambo Number 5

While this song is generally regarded as the corniest shit ever, you can’t deny how popular it was and still is in many respects. I know I was tearing up Bar mitzvah linoleum every weekend in my khakis and blazer to this, and you know why? Everyone needs a little, [insert girl name] in his or her life. How many times do I have to tell these clowns at Capitol and Universal? If Lou Bega can make a hit, then logic would have it that any motherfucker with a voice box who has ever met a girl can make a hit too! I hope he fired his manager because the first and only thing I would have done after releasing Mambo Number 5 is to make Mambo Number 6. R Kelly has hundreds of episodes of “Trapped in the Closet,” Fast and Furious is going to be our first never ending movie franchise, why wasn’t there a Mambo Number 6? Or do it Star Wars style and tease your audience with some prequels. What ever happened to Mambo’s 1-4. I smell a web series.

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Over Under #1

19 Nov

Over Under is a series where my readers submit things to write about, and I say if they are overrated or underrated. Get it? Feel free to submit future topics in the comments section, on facebook or twitter.

squirrelJapanese Squirrel Parks – Underrated

50 Cent once said, “I’m similar to a squirrel tryna get a nut.” Maybe all Fiddy needed was a park to alleviate his stress. Dogs have parks, horses have tracks, and killer whales have New York one bedroom sized pools to go crazy and kill people in, so it’s about damn time squirrels are shown some love. They need their own space to do insane squirrel things like: run really fast and then stop and look intensely into the middle distance. Or run across power lines with an acorn in their mouth and then stop, and look intensely into the middle distance. Or…you get it, squirrels are weird.

detelfshumpertDetlef Schrempf vs. Iman Shumpert – Overrated

If we’re talking basketball, this is a terrible matchup. Detlef dominates hands down. If we are talking haircuts, it becomes a much more interesting debate. Detlef suffered from being white in the 80’s, like really white. If he was playing in today’s NBA he would have succumb to peer pressure and gotten the Macklemore and called it a day, but his escaped mental patient cut was bold in its own right. Shump meanwhile chooses to keep things retro and has clearly watched Do the Right Thing one too many times. While he definitely gets style points, his well-maintained high top only brings attention to the fact that he is a mediocre player at best, while Detlefs’ opponents were left wondering, “How can a man with this haircut be so good at basketball?”

rob fordRob Ford- Overrated

“I don’t pop molly, I smoke crack, Rob Ford.” I don’t know this man’s policies, other than he’s honest as all hell and I think I’m on board? I don’t support crack cocaine, but I do appreciate transparency in politics, and I do approve of fat sweaty guys going on benders and doing stupid shit. His run as mayor of Toronto may be over soon, but as a final good deed he inspired all drug addicts to pick up the pipe and get crackin’ on a campaign slogan.

toilet bowlToilets – Underrated

In honor of national toilet day, I am writing this segment to you live from the king’s throne in the porcelain palace. I think scientists or biologists or body studiers claim it’s more natural to squat while you excrete your matter, but the sit down toilet offers so many modern luxuries that we never think about. Facebook creeping, guitar playing, magazine reading, angry birds playing and that old familiar wake up call to get off the toilet when your leg goes numb. Three cheers and one energy saving weak flush for the toilet!

brussel sproutsBrussel Sprouts – Underrated

B sprouts used to be synonymous with death, decay, ugliness and vomit. They were truly the A-ROD of veggies. Supposed to be good for you, but everyone hated them. Somewhere along the way, Brussel Sprouts said eff all this! I’m meeting with a brand strategist and the next time y’all see me I’m going to be respected for who I really am! Maybe it wasn’t so dramatic, but the European sprout has finally found its way into our cold American hearts. They are tasty, healthy and you feel like a real fucking adult when you eat them.

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EDM Festival Tips From an Adult Who Shouldn’t Be There

5 Nov

edm showHide Your Crippling Self Awareness– You remember that dude at the party when you were growing up who you would periodically look at out of the corner of your eye and think, “What the hell is this guy doing here? He’s like, 40. Go home old man!” The average age for these things is I think 12 years old, so just know you are teetering on that brink. Don’t be afraid to embrace your age, and enjoy things the way you would, which means…

Don’t Wax your Chest– These festivals are populated by little ripped raver boys who apparently have a lifetime gym membership and supply of nair. Go ahead and take your shirt off, but you better be confident in those love handles and beer guts cause everyone else is on the Deadmau5 diet.

Don’t Wear a Costume– You’re already in one once you enter thru the gates. You’re an adult. By default you are one of the weirdest looking people there. No fuzzy boots, body paint, animal hat or pacifier can make your existence more enticing. Be comfortable in your Levis and hoody and marvel at the small Asian girls in booty shorts.

Don’t Dance Like Them– Goose stepping, jimmy hopping, bean bopping, ground stomping. I have no idea what the dance is called, but everyone knows what I’m talking about. Whatever it is, it’s for the kids. There is nothing less appealing than a grown man gasping for breath as he tries to herk and jerk his creaky frame to heavy bass. A two-step and some shooter Mcgavins will do just fine.

asian edmDo Hydrate and Stretch– Don’t let the youth dissuade you from being limber. They know nothing of failing arch support, slightly torn menisci and lower Lombard issues. Sip that water and stretch it out.

Do Smile and Be Happy– Whether you’ve popped the molly and sweated or not, there is generally a happy vibe and good community at these events. Be open and take the time to talk to a few people. They might give you a funny story; a high five, hug, massage or crazy ass kaleidoscope glasses that almost made me shit my pants. That scare was worth the ticket price alone.

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