Tag Archives: rap

Songs That List Names of Girls

25 Nov

Music industry executives are constantly under pressure to find the next big thing. There are certain formulas that work better than others. One of the most under utilized hit making strategy is the song with a bunch of girl names. It’s a tried and true staple of our sonic landscape and one that never fails to entertain. I would be an excellent record executive. I would tell all my artists regardless of genre to create a catchy melody and then just sing the names of every girl they ever knew. It would be the best selling record of all time, until my next artist who did the same thing would top it. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself.

Petey Pablo – Freek a Leek

How you like it daddy? Daddy loves it. Daddy loves it so much that daddy stumbled across how many times he listened to it on iTunes and let’s just say it’s over 100. Shameika, Keisha, Tara…Shonda, Sabrina, Crystal, Daronda…I could go on, and apparently so can Petey Pablo. This song has two pretty amazing verses as well, which describe Petey’s various sexual proclivities. Sorry ladies, he’s not going to perform cunnilingus because he ain’t drunk enough to do that. I would be just as satisfied though if he cut these verses and made a 3 minute song that was just names of various girls he’s fucked. I would also encourage him to explore other ethnicities and names. Maybe each verse becomes a freek a liciously geographical linguistic adventure. Get at me Pete.

DMX – What These Bitches Want

This song is very typical DMX until around the 1:30 mark when he unleashes the most impressive list of women’s names we find out later, “were all treated fairly, but yet and still…bitches on some other shit now that he’s fuckin with Dru Hill.” This list is far more comprehensive than Petey Pablo’s. There are more women and seemingly of different ethnic backgrounds making it at times difficult to believe. Diane?! Come on dog, we all know you didn’t get with a Diane. Pesky Sabrina also makes the list again. She seems to be a busy and ambitious lady and I applaud her for that. DMX also incorporates his trademark collection of adlibs, barks, growls, whats and whooos, which really add to the confusion and excitement. All in all this seems to be an introspective analysis of why DMX’s relationships have failed rather than a braggadocios horn toot of how fame can get you lots of pussy.

Lou Bega- Mambo Number 5

While this song is generally regarded as the corniest shit ever, you can’t deny how popular it was and still is in many respects. I know I was tearing up Bar mitzvah linoleum every weekend in my khakis and blazer to this, and you know why? Everyone needs a little, [insert girl name] in his or her life. How many times do I have to tell these clowns at Capitol and Universal? If Lou Bega can make a hit, then logic would have it that any motherfucker with a voice box who has ever met a girl can make a hit too! I hope he fired his manager because the first and only thing I would have done after releasing Mambo Number 5 is to make Mambo Number 6. R Kelly has hundreds of episodes of “Trapped in the Closet,” Fast and Furious is going to be our first never ending movie franchise, why wasn’t there a Mambo Number 6? Or do it Star Wars style and tease your audience with some prequels. What ever happened to Mambo’s 1-4. I smell a web series.

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Educational Hip-Hop Lyrics

10 Apr

Ok Cupid Profile Pic

Ok Cupid Profile Pic

1. DJ Quick “First you get the power, then you get the money, then you get the pussy, fool don’t be no dummy.”

After the 50th text off to nowhere and first date that does nothing for your mind or boner, I often put on DJ Quick’s “Hand and Hand” to try and inspire myself and gain some clarity. While Quick was probably not referring to his own online dating failures in the song, it serves as a reminder that while sex, romance and companionship are all worthy pursuits, they often come more naturally while pursuing other things. Power corrupts, and money is the root of all evil, but bitches love that shit, and plus, the song wouldn’t be nearly as good with a hook like, “First you nurture your career, then you handle your finances, then you put the penis in vagina! Don’t be foolish young man!”

1000 bucks for a weekend of pelvic thrusts

1000 bucks for a weekend of pelvic thrusts

2. E-40 “ Sometimes its cool to floss, but don’t buy an $80,000 car before you buy a house.”

While I can’t afford a moped or even a birdhouse, E-40’s slangy down-bay twang resonates. He is a man of priorities and is offering sound fiduciary advice. As most of us are not ambassadors to the Bay, balliticians or iconic rappers, let’s make the scenario more millennial appropriate. “Sometimes it’s cool to floss, but don’t buy tickets to Coachella before you pay rent!”

She digs it

She digs it

3. Next “Baby when we’re grinding, I get so excited, oohhh how I like it, I try but I can’t fight it.”

This is a song about a guy getting an erection while dancing with a girl. The guy claims that if they continue dancing that way, he will be compelled to have sex with her right there on the dance floor. Wow. I wasn’t cool enough to have sex in public with girls at 13, but I was popping boners seemingly to every song I danced to. Between school dances, birthday parties and bar mitzvahs I estimate over 3000 boners popped during 7th grade, and I was embarrassed about it until Next taught me that is was OK. It is OK to get an erection while dancing and if the girl doesn’t like it, then she’s neither public sex nor take home to mom material.

Almost there buddy!

Almost there buddy!

4. Freak Nasty Ho “ I put my hand up on your hip, when I dip you dip we dip…”

If you’ve danced with me, you know I have formidable moves. Girls are often left saying things like, “Wow, what moves.” Psst. I will let you in on a little secret. Step 1. Put your hand up on her hip. Step 2. Dip. Step 3. Hopefully she takes the hint and dips too. Step 4. Simultaneous dipping. Step 5. Dip down low and roll and grind.

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Why I should be in the Rick Ross Entourage

16 May

Man tatums.

– I don’t like my current job.

– I’ve always wanted to live where “Gettin’ Jiggy with it” was filmed and visit the shooting locations.

– I speak pretty alright Spanish which could help smooth over potential disputes with Cuban coke lords, or help holler at attractive Latinas who prefer blonde hair blue eyed devils to obese black rappers.

– I would add diversity to the crew. (Possible tax write off? I’m not sure. I don’t think that makes much sense actually)

– I want to be around girls with huge asses all the time

– I have a clean record. Think of all the cases I could catch for you. Speeding in your Aston Martin? No problem, lets switch seats, I got this one big guy. Assault and battery? Forget about it. Throw some brass knuckles on me and point the finger. Drug charges?! No fuckin problem!!! Dump cocaine on my face. My rap sheet is yours to fill, but I will only do this for you if I am well taken care of in prison. You know what that means. No butt play is what I’m getting at Rick.

– I used to freestyle battle in High School. I once rhymed dental plan with mental spam. I thought that was pretty cool. I could clearly provide light amusement and “Look at the White guy trying to do Black things” moments for you and your boys.

– I like Aston Martins and if I had money to blow fast, like if you gave me some kind of weekly allowance or per diem, I would surely blow it so fast.

– I took a NOLS Wilderness First Aid Responder course one summer. If you have any more health issues like that congenital heart failure episode on your private jet, I could…well I would be severely undertrained and ill prepared to help in that situation. Legally speaking, I shouldn’t even touch you if you were in cardiac arrest. If you cut yourself eating crab or something though, I would give you so many band-aids and words of encouragement.

– My Mom knows a speech therapist. If you ever wanted to not sound like evil Kermit the Frog on a whiskey bender she could hook up a discount. I mean its cool now, but when your rapping days are over it will just be creepy.

– We all know Miami breeds an unbearable sticky, humid heat. I can only imagine the amount of sweat that accrues under your belly and man tates. If you like I can scrub you down when you overheat and your XXXXL’s stick to your back……KIDDING Ricky! I have a sense of humor. I’m not like that, but seriously, how do you survive in Miami with all those rolls?

Well there you have it. Call it my plea, resume, wishful thinking or dementia. I would make an excellent member of your entourage and I await your call. Boss! Also this video inspired me to apply for the position.

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Why Hologram Tupac Freaked Me Out

17 Apr

I love Tupac. I loved him when he was a murderous lunactic in Juice. I loved him when he lived in Marin County (very affluent region of the Bay Area) and still repped Thug Life. I loved him when he refused Janet Jackson’s request for an AIDS test during Poetic Justice. I loved him as a dancer for Digital Underground and I especially loved Tupac when he was shouting that he fucked Biggie’s Bitch in “Hit em Up.” Hologram Tupac? Not so much.
Hologram Pac really freaked me out. As is the case with most technological advances these days, there is a 25% Wow that is so cool how did they do that factor, and a 75% Orwellian, crap my pants want to punch a Software Engineer in their face creepy factor. I reacted the same way when Google recently announced their Glasses Project. “Wow this is so cool…wait….wait no, this is getting creepy…I’m uncomfortable now…and we’re turning it off.” I think a lot of my discomfort came from the fact that Snoop was on stage performing with the hologram.
Despite Hologram Pac rocking Tims and baggy pants (Come on Hologram wardrobe guys, It’s 2012, I think we all wanted to see Pac in skinny jeans and a deep V by now) I was leaning toward the 25%, this is cool factor during his first song when he was solo. Then Snoop slinked on for “2 of Amerika’s Most Wanted” and things got uncomfortable. Snoop meandered thru the duet fine enough, but what the hell was going through his head during that time? Snoop and Pac were very good friends by all accounts, so to have his buddy resurrected in eerily accurate 3-D next to him must have been a real mind fuck.
If I was walking around my neighborhood and a hologram of my dead Labrador Harley appeared next to me, sniffing flowers and pooping everywhere I would freak out and be super uncomfortable. I would curse whichever demon of the underworld brought this spitting image of my old friend back to my side. I certainly wouldn’t be like, “Ahh yeaaaaa Harley’s back! Let’s show ‘em how we do it on the West coast nephew!” I would be angry. I would tear up, and I certainly would have never consented to a hologram version of my dog if someone asked me. Maybe Snoop didn’t have a choice in the matter but I can’t imagine he thoroughly enjoyed the experience, and neither did I.
The rest of the performance I was left to ponder the future of Hip Hop and holograms. First of all, if I was hammered at Coachella and a crazy ass hologram of Tupac appeared on stage, I would have gone NUTS. Now maybe there wasn’t good sound pick up on the video, but the crowd reaction seemed subdued for the most part, which leads me to believe that there is an increasing number of Hip Hop listeners that don’t know Tupac and his music. This makes me sick. I don’t think Hip Hop is dead, and I’m not some curmudgeon of the oldish school that dismisses everything new that comes out just because it has the word “swag” in it, but when Pac is rapping, hologram or not you go NUTS.
We’ve all heard about phoning in performances, but what about hologramming it in? What is to stop artists in the future from recording their sets in some studio or production house and then projecting those performances on stages to audiences around the world? It’s essentially like lip-synching, but with awesome graphics and effects. Would fans pay to see a hologram version of their favorite rapper? A couple more heart attacks and Rick Ross might have to seriously consider this option. I know I wouldn’t pay, but a younger generation might.
My last thought during the show lead me down a dark and twisted path. When this hologram technology becomes available in some app for the Iphone 7, I will use it to play a glorious prank on my roommate. Imagine being fast asleep, snug as a bug under your blankies dreaming the sweetest of dreams. All of a sudden, you are awoken to a hologram of Hitler above your bed addressing a beerhouse full of angry Germans. Oh the possibilities are creepy and endless.

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6 Hip Hop Lines People Let Slide

10 Apr

Notorious B.I.G. “Me and My Bitch”

“When I met ya I admit my first thoughts was to trick, you look so good huh, I suck on your daddy’s dick.”

Well that’s pretty foul. This is what you lead your verse with? How did Puffy and Junior Mafia not stop you from saying this? I had a friend say he thought Chandler from Friends was cute in 1999 and we haven’t let it go since. Even if I were the janitor at the studio where that song was recorded and knew I would lose my job by telling Biggy what I thought of the line, I would still say something to Biggy about that line! How did this happen? Truly baffling.

Layzie Bone “1st of Da Month”

“Wakin’ up feelin’ buzzed off up early mornin’ stretchin’ I’m yawnin’ lightweight bent chugga lugga take a fifth to the dome.”

Come on Layzie Bone. I refuse to believe you wake up and immediately consume a fifth of alcohol. That’s gross and I’m pretty sure you would black out. There would be no rest of the day to smoke blunts and hang out with the other bones. You would have serious alcohol poisoning. You would spend the first, second and most likely third of da month getting your stomach pumped and paying hospital bills.

Dr. Dre “Still Dre”

“Hit my boys off with jobs, no more living hard barbeques every day driving fancy cars.”

While Dre paints us a utopian scene of shirked duties and splendor, he overlooks the fact that having a BBQ every day would be exhausting and most likely impossible. Everyday Dre? Are you talking about just grilling your food, or actually inviting guests over? I couldn’t imagine constantly checking in with people to see if they are coming to your BBQ and also just being prepared and ready at all times to barbeque. I think by the 4th consecutive day of barbequing Dre’s boys would stop coming over and might even look for a job. I just picture this nightmarish scenario in which Dre’s homies are forced to eat his BBQ for eternity, and if they don’t they lose their fancy cars.

Mystikal “Move Bitch”

“Hit the stage and knock the curtains down, I fuck the crowd up-that’s what I do.”

What a horrible man. Mystikal is telling us that every time he performs he tears down the curtains and fucks the crowd up? Good lord that sounds awful. How does he keep getting gigs? When I listen to this song I imagine an angry Mystikal picking out some unsuspecting fan, leaping into the crowd and pummeling them until they cry, but hey, that’s just what he do.

Nas “Halftime”

“Versatile, my style switches like a faggot, but not bi-sexual, I’m an intellectual.”

This is one of those lines that make you stop listening to the rest of the song and try to figure out what the hell Nas is talking about. First off, Nas isn’t versatile. He is an incredible rapper, but sticks to his gritty Queens street storyteller style for the most part. Then he insinuates that homosexuals switch somehow. Is heterosexual the default setting? I know there was a lot of homophobia in rap in the 90’s, but damn come on Nas, it doesn’t work like that, you’re a smart guy. In fact, he is an intellectual, NOT a bi-sexual. It’s almost as if he realizes his faux-pas mid line, but instead of re-writing it, uses what can only be described as the earliest form of a “no homo” by explaining he is NOT bi-sexual, which everyone knows is sexually the furthest removed you can get from being gay. We got it Nas.

Big Tymers “#1 Stunna”

“[Baby] James Bond, Jackie Chan and that bitch MacGyver. [Wayne] Private planes, Jaguars, Bentleys and Prowlers.”

I laugh really hard every time I hear this hook. What do the Big Tymers have against MacGyver? He is # 1 stunna’ish enough to make it into the trifecta with Bond and Chan, but something about MacGyver makes him a huge bitch in their eyes. I’m guessing mullet and jean jacket pant combo. If I could ask God one question it would be why does Baby from Big Tymers think MacGyver is a bitch. I really want to know. Badly. Honorable mention grossness goes to Weezy for boasting about Jaguars and Plymouth Prowlers. Oh late 90’s rap.

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