Notorious B.I.G. “Me and My Bitch”
“When I met ya I admit my first thoughts was to trick, you look so good huh, I suck on your daddy’s dick.”
Well that’s pretty foul. This is what you lead your verse with? How did Puffy and Junior Mafia not stop you from saying this? I had a friend say he thought Chandler from Friends was cute in 1999 and we haven’t let it go since. Even if I were the janitor at the studio where that song was recorded and knew I would lose my job by telling Biggy what I thought of the line, I would still say something to Biggy about that line! How did this happen? Truly baffling.
Layzie Bone “1st of Da Month”
“Wakin’ up feelin’ buzzed off up early mornin’ stretchin’ I’m yawnin’ lightweight bent chugga lugga take a fifth to the dome.”
Come on Layzie Bone. I refuse to believe you wake up and immediately consume a fifth of alcohol. That’s gross and I’m pretty sure you would black out. There would be no rest of the day to smoke blunts and hang out with the other bones. You would have serious alcohol poisoning. You would spend the first, second and most likely third of da month getting your stomach pumped and paying hospital bills.
Dr. Dre “Still Dre”
“Hit my boys off with jobs, no more living hard barbeques every day driving fancy cars.”
While Dre paints us a utopian scene of shirked duties and splendor, he overlooks the fact that having a BBQ every day would be exhausting and most likely impossible. Everyday Dre? Are you talking about just grilling your food, or actually inviting guests over? I couldn’t imagine constantly checking in with people to see if they are coming to your BBQ and also just being prepared and ready at all times to barbeque. I think by the 4th consecutive day of barbequing Dre’s boys would stop coming over and might even look for a job. I just picture this nightmarish scenario in which Dre’s homies are forced to eat his BBQ for eternity, and if they don’t they lose their fancy cars.
Mystikal “Move Bitch”
“Hit the stage and knock the curtains down, I fuck the crowd up-that’s what I do.”
What a horrible man. Mystikal is telling us that every time he performs he tears down the curtains and fucks the crowd up? Good lord that sounds awful. How does he keep getting gigs? When I listen to this song I imagine an angry Mystikal picking out some unsuspecting fan, leaping into the crowd and pummeling them until they cry, but hey, that’s just what he do.
Nas “Halftime”
“Versatile, my style switches like a faggot, but not bi-sexual, I’m an intellectual.”
This is one of those lines that make you stop listening to the rest of the song and try to figure out what the hell Nas is talking about. First off, Nas isn’t versatile. He is an incredible rapper, but sticks to his gritty Queens street storyteller style for the most part. Then he insinuates that homosexuals switch somehow. Is heterosexual the default setting? I know there was a lot of homophobia in rap in the 90’s, but damn come on Nas, it doesn’t work like that, you’re a smart guy. In fact, he is an intellectual, NOT a bi-sexual. It’s almost as if he realizes his faux-pas mid line, but instead of re-writing it, uses what can only be described as the earliest form of a “no homo” by explaining he is NOT bi-sexual, which everyone knows is sexually the furthest removed you can get from being gay. We got it Nas.
Big Tymers “#1 Stunna”
“[Baby] James Bond, Jackie Chan and that bitch MacGyver. [Wayne] Private planes, Jaguars, Bentleys and Prowlers.”
I laugh really hard every time I hear this hook. What do the Big Tymers have against MacGyver? He is # 1 stunna’ish enough to make it into the trifecta with Bond and Chan, but something about MacGyver makes him a huge bitch in their eyes. I’m guessing mullet and jean jacket pant combo. If I could ask God one question it would be why does Baby from Big Tymers think MacGyver is a bitch. I really want to know. Badly. Honorable mention grossness goes to Weezy for boasting about Jaguars and Plymouth Prowlers. Oh late 90’s rap.
Very Serious Barista 
Hilarious, I’m glad you see the humor. I officially do not like rap or hip hop anymore. People think I’m wierd, but when one listens to the lyrics (if they ever do…), you start asking yourself, “what the fuck is this guy talking about?”