My freshmen year drug dealer once awkwardly sang, “One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain.” Bob Marley and this idiot have clearly never been to a modern day house party where every fuckchuckler with an apple product fancies himself the resident Skrillex.
Generally speaking, there are three pillars to a good party: Booze, ratios, and music. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about the lack of females, but if the ratios are there and the BL Limes are flowing, there is no reason the party should not be cracking. Oh wait, there is some thinly dressed fellow plugging in his iphone and choosing…Sigur Ros!? And oh wait; he’s followed by an eager nymph who intends to move hips by throwing on some early Lykke Li?! What the hell is wrong with everyone? These people make good music in their own right, but did Dre and Snoop teach us nothing? They made songs that made even the staunchest feminist shake her ass and scream about getting cummed on. We all must realize, especially those whose thumbs are about to push play that there is music for listening and then there is music for sweating profusely, biting your shirt and grinding up on people.
Only you want to dance to rare flute music.
This message is for real DJ’s too. I have been to one too many warehouse parties and hep shindiggeries where the DJ and their friends are seemingly just trying to entertain one another. “I wonder what will happen if I put on this avant-garde flute record from the 1940’s?” Everyone will hate you. That’s what will happen. I honestly think there needs to be a school for DJ’s. Bartenders usually have to pass a course, why not DJ’s? If 50% of people aren’t dancing on any given night, your suratos are revoked until you learn the basics.
Ziggy Marley once said, “A party which never realizes its full potential due to faulty musical choices was never really a party at all.” Powerful stuff Ziggy. Let’s remember these wise words and be mindful of each other’s good time.
For a stout South Korean he sure has a lot of pep in his step. No, the catchy hook does not say, “bang her condom style,” although that would be a wonderfully effective safe sex campaign. This video has been hitting the internets hard and deservedly so. It’s a fun song with a lot of humor. Here is my top 3 moments
0:48- PSY wrapped in childish towel resting his head on another man, watching another man pop and lock.
1:39- PSY screaming at the girl in blue shorts. We have all felt like this. Some times a booty presents itself that is so indescribably dope that we must release a bit of carnal rage.
1:50- 2:05– Dance off! Are we supposed to know the dude in yellow? Is it a sly shout out for Korean music fans? Why does that man in the elevator make me so uncomfortable? Best part for me is after the dude in yellow clearly loses the dance off; he gets back in his Mercedes and throws up the deuces like he won.
Major Lazer- Pon De Floor
I recently found out that Eric Warheim of Tim and Eric fame directed this gem. That sheds a little more light on why this is so fucking weird, but it is really hard to properly deconstruct a cartoon orgy. Again, what makes this so great is the inventive theme combined with a great song.
0:10– Why does bizzaro Wesley Snipes look so sketchy? You know damn well that your friends are already in the house acting like perved out sex fiends, and you can’t wait to join them. Quit looking around all suspicious like.
2:08- Bizzaro Snipes showcases some serious pommel horse type moves on, over and around one of the haggard’s formidable behinds. If the fat booty pommel horse were an event at the Olympics, this dude would be in the running for gold. Let’s make this happen for Rio 2016!
2:29- I could have gone with Bizzaro Snipes jumping off the top rung of the ladder with his pants falling down onto a large woman, but let’s take time to enjoy one of his sketchy friends who impressed me with his lightning quick crab walk, which he then combos perfectly into a slow and sensual grind of a fat. Brought tears to my eyes.
Benny Lava- Take it Easy Policy
This video is bizarre, funny, dangerous, and features some of the greatest dancing I’ve seen in some time. The top comment of YouTube is, “Michael Jackson is the American Benny Lava” and it’s easy to see why. This malnourished pelvic thruster busts some crazy moves. My favorite sequence comes at the 3:09-3:25 mark.
0:45– Classic shoulder tap trick which introduces us to one of the strangest sidekicks of all time. He looks like he goes for the kiss, stops, and then I’m not sure if it was an editing gaffe but his breezay puts up her hand and he kisses that? Wacky.
1:44– Dear god, please take time to watch and re-watch every one of the faces/dances that these men are throwing down on top of the bus. Fun fact: This video is fucking dangerous. Half the scenes are complicated dance sequences on top of moving objects or in streets that have clearly not been shut down.
2:40– Is Benny preventing a suicide here? This just got deep, but the music stays light and fun so I don’t care too much. Is the sidekick mad because he has been rejected so many times that he thinks life is not worth living anymore? What did Benny tell his friend in two seconds that changed his mind and brought him down from the edge? High drama and high praise!
Genki Sudo- Boy Meets Girl
I feel like I could hang out with these guys. This is a strange romp and look into Japanese nightlife as it follows the synchronized escapades of 7 dudes in suits hollering at girls. Can’t really go wrong with the premise, although the novelty and charm of the robotic synchronization wears eventually. Still very entertaining.
1:00– Japanese robotic pelvic beer thrusts!
1:42– Three-man touch off beer pyramid handhold?
Quick note: How do none of these guys have Asian glow? They are going hard on the pints and Saki.
1:04- You think for a second that they might walk by the sweet ladies but NO!!! They make like a Nokia snake and wrap around back to the table to holler in unison. I will definitely use this technique soon.
Osmani Garcia- Chupi Chupi
Nothing like a 7-minute video featuring 17 rappers that talks about lollipops and pussy. This is a very chaotic yet entertaining look inside the world of… Puerto Rican space? Apparently they are in space and huge candy and infectious dance routines play a major role.
0:00- 0:48– Wait, how many people are going to be rapping in this video? 9000? Ok, just checking. I’m sure every one of you has an interesting take on sex, clothes and money.
1:48- Cue the black mailman. Or maybe he has a laptop bag. Is he meant to be in the video or was he just passing by and the director was like, “You know what we don’t have enough of in this video? People rapping.”
3:40- Cue the hipster lesbian. I can’t really believe I watched this far despite the catchy hook, but this girl provides the most interesting verse. No need to watch past this. Chupi Chupi is repeated for several minutes as the various rappers in Oakley’s stunt for the 7D.
Fun Fact: I don’t really like this video that much, but it is colorful and after I watched it I found myself doing the dance and yelling chupi chupi in the bathroom mirror, so clearly there is some magnetism here.
Gringotone- Muevelo Sexy
Whoa, who are these guys?!?! Shot on the top of the line Canon T3i, this masterpiece of cinema debuted in March of this year, and while it didn’t get the views it deserved, it sparked a revolution is filmmaking, acting, directing and musicianship. Film professors at NYU, Ridley Scott, Roger Ebert and hella bitches have praised this trail blazing bilingual duo for their uncanny resemblances to Jason Statham and Ryan Gosling, their other worldly utilization of the Meisner method and their next level understanding of Final Cut. Just great work all around.!!!
Usher– I think Usher started singing when he was two years old and then dropped “Nice and Slow” when he was Seven. I really have no idea how old Usher is, and I refuse to look it up. To me he is an R&B cyborg with sweet dance moves who faintly looks like a duck. I have vivid memories of popping b’s on girls at Middle School dances singing along to “They call me U-S…_H-E-R…R-A…-Y-M…O-N-D, now baby tell me what you wanna do.” I was driving the other day and his new song came on and I said to myself, “Hell yea Usher. Keep doing your thing.” There is no other artist I can think of who was popular in 1998 and still enjoys the kind of radio play in today’s mainstream that Usher does, and that deserves some major recognition. My greatest wish is that Usher stays relevant forever. That my children and my grandchildren and great grand children will all have the pleasure of popping their first b’s on a girl to his music and then growing old with it.
No one knows why you’re still playing either.
Derek Fisher– Here he is again. Subbed in late in the 4th quarter of an important NBA finals game. Why is he still in my life? I watched him hit dagger after dagger with the Lakers during their first title run. I cursed him and his sick daughter for playing an important role is dismantling my 2007 “We Believe” Warriors. I watched his biceps fluctuate between Lou Farrigno buff and Sly Stallone swole. I sat idly by while he rejoined the Lakers again for their second title run. Now, just when I think I’ve rid myself of the Fisherman, here he comes trotting out on the court sporting a Thunder jersey and considerably more modest arms. Will this dude have a fucking seat! D Fish has to be the luckiest player ever. Every team he goes to makes a deep run in the playoffs, and I’m always there to watch him wait on the wings to hit that lefty corner 3 that validates his existence and frustrates mine.
Holy hell
Mario Lopez– Most know him as A.C. Slater. The gerry-curled jabroni (yea I used it) of Bayside who wrestled with men for pride and tussled with Zach for Kelly’s heart. When Saved by the Bell ended, I expected two things: Zach Morris would go on to do big things, and everyone else would vanish into Hollywood obscurity. What really happened is Zach really didn’t do all that much, Kelly got slightly hagstown, Screech made a porno, Jessie played a stripper, Lisa remained Black, and Mr. Belding drinks heavily at dive bars in Sherman Oaks. The only one to truly stay relevant was spandex Slater. He got a haircut, but pretty much looks the same as his yearbook photo and maintains a high profile in the industry by reporting on celebrity trysts and nonsense awards. I’m proud of you Mario. No one had you beating Zach Morris in the game of life, but you really did.
Really didn’t expect to find a google image of this dude
Jokemon– One of the biggest deals of my life was being allowed to walk down Telegraph Ave. in 5th grade. Telegraph is a street that spans Berkeley and Oakland and plays host to some seriously strange shit. From a dominatrix spanking her sub outside the now defunct Cody’s Books, to Regan ordering a tear gas assault on Cal students in the 1960’s, this street has some history to say the least. It’s no wonder why parents are apprehensive to let their privileged little shitgoats wander around this wackiness. Telegraph is also home to some of the most unique characters I’ve had the pleasure to share my strange with. My favorite is a guy named Jokemon. It was never clear if he had in fact seen an episode of Pokemon, but as you can guess he would call you over and proceed to tell you a joke for free, alms appreciated of course. By 7th grade I had heard his entire routine, and I must admit the material wasn’t top notch, but he would sell the shit out of it. Even jokes I already heard I was eager to hear again because Jokemon brought it every time. Just to put things in perspective, my comedic idols at the time were Adam Sandler, Monty Python and Jokemon.
Eventually CD’s went extinct and my visits to Telegraph became less frequent, but on a recent trip to Top Dog while visiting home, there he was, entertaining a group of Middle Schoolers with his animated delivery. It made me smile.
Glad there is no image of my actual dentist.
My Dentist– I have been going to the same dentist my entire life. She is a family friend and a lovely lady. She is primarily a kid’s dentist, but has always made an exception for me. I used to hate going, but now I find it hilarious. I’m too big for everything. The waiting room chairs, the dentist chair, my hands are to stubby for the treasure chest to collect my lolly, my face is too wide for the sunglasses when they x-ray my teeth, and all the dental assistants have a good laugh when the big idiot pays a visit. A grown man reading Dr. Seuss while he gets his fluoride treatment bewilders the other children, but I continue to go year after year and if she will allow it, forever.
Topanga– What can I say about this wild haired lass? Is she White? Armenian? Or some exotic mix of unbridled passion and scornful lust. Whatever she is she made sitting thru Corey Matthews bullshit far more tolerable. The best thing about her is she has no point of reference. Mr. Pheeny is the principal and neighbor. Sean is the best friend who lives in a trailer park, and to my knowledge Topanga is some incredibly attractive orphan girl who shows up in episodes periodically to remind me I’m a red blooded American boy.
Before Lil Wayne made a song…
Dion– I never thought I would admit this, but D from Clueless makes me wish I were Donald Faison for those 2 hours, pubic stash, gap tooth and all. She was beyond dope. She looked ridiculous at that High School, mainly because she was Black in Beverly Hills, but also because she was 100 times doper than any other student. I didn’t fall for Alicia Silverstones’ whiny voice or dumpy frame, and I certainly wasn’t enticed by weirdo turned entitled bitch Brittany Murphy. When D came out rocking that bikini in the pool scene, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom for some alone time…to poop guys. I ate too many Reese’s Cups and was nervous because it was my first sleepover. Also Stacey Dash was super hot.
So easy to tell.
Tia from Sister Sister– Yes, one twin was finer than the other, and everyone knew it. I can’t imagine growing up the less attractive twin in front of a public audience, albeit a small, afternoon UPN public audience. It must have been excruciating, but I couldn’t help see Tamera as anything but a goofy study buddy, whereas Tia exuded sex and sophistication.
Not racist…right?
Yellow Ranger– In a 1992 interview with Esquire, Fox executive Don Holcomb said, “The Yellow Ranger suit was literally the last color we had, and Trini Kwan was the last actor we hired for the show. Swear to God bro.” This is a fake quote and what Fox did is insensitive, but if we can look past the suit, we find a beautiful Vietnamese orchid who kicked and hi-ya’d her way to my heart. She also had an incredibly strange and tragic life before and after her stint with the Rangers. Check it out.
Yup.
Mya– Her only song I know of is “Ghetto Superstar” and that was enough. She is the only person I’ve waited in line to get an autograph from. Pretty weird right? I stood outside the Rasputin Records on Telegraph in Berkeley, CA for over 2 hours to get an autograph from Mya. I’m cracking up writing this. She was dope though. I still remember her outfit. Atlanta Braves bucket hat, lime green tank top, jean skirt and Timbos. Yes Mam, now that was an outfit.
Why did this happen?
Starship Troopers Shower Scene– There really needed to be some extra special rating for this movie. Maybe like, “Don’t go see this with your Mom because there is a shower scene out of nowhere that will make you feel super uncomfortable.” As you can guess this is precisely what happened. I was fully immersed in the intergalactic bloodbath, rooting for Rico to avenge his smoldering hometown of Buenos Aires, (WTF?) when that skinny red head decided to challenge gender roles and show her tits in the shower. Oh man. I had seen boobs in Porky’s, and a pair of panties in Revenge of the Nerds, but I was not ready for exposed ginger nipple sitting next to my Mother.
Wants it so bad.
Kelly Kapowski– What a dreamboat. With her short shorts and those little white Keds, she would shuffle around the halls of Bayside High rousing the attention of students, teachers and Mr. Beldings alike. She wanted it bad. Who knows if Zach Morris ever got her? Part of me thinks Belding was involved in some scandalous aftercurriculars, but we may never know. Or will we? Quick side note: Mr. Belding hangs out at bars in the Sherman Oaks all the time. He is apparently very friendly and approachable, so if you are so inclined go ask him yourself. I’m certainly not going to the valley.
So bad.
Tia Carrere– I was sha-winging all over the place.
Jasmine– She’s so sexy when she’s mad.
Never thought she would have a career.
Kelly Bundy– The hot, trashy white. She was dumb, pretty and poor, and 8 year old Me was very intrigued. She was both dangerous and accessible and ultimately a great life lesson. This was the girl you date for a summer, but never bring home to mother.
“When I met ya I admit my first thoughts was to trick, you look so good huh, I suck on your daddy’s dick.”
Well that’s pretty foul. This is what you lead your verse with? How did Puffy and Junior Mafia not stop you from saying this? I had a friend say he thought Chandler from Friends was cute in 1999 and we haven’t let it go since. Even if I were the janitor at the studio where that song was recorded and knew I would lose my job by telling Biggy what I thought of the line, I would still say something to Biggy about that line! How did this happen? Truly baffling.
Layzie Bone “1st of Da Month”
“Wakin’ up feelin’ buzzed off up early mornin’ stretchin’ I’m yawnin’ lightweight bent chugga lugga take a fifth to the dome.”
Come on Layzie Bone. I refuse to believe you wake up and immediately consume a fifth of alcohol. That’s gross and I’m pretty sure you would black out. There would be no rest of the day to smoke blunts and hang out with the other bones. You would have serious alcohol poisoning. You would spend the first, second and most likely third of da month getting your stomach pumped and paying hospital bills.
Dr. Dre “Still Dre”
“Hit my boys off with jobs, no more living hard barbeques every day driving fancy cars.”
While Dre paints us a utopian scene of shirked duties and splendor, he overlooks the fact that having a BBQ every day would be exhausting and most likely impossible. Everyday Dre? Are you talking about just grilling your food, or actually inviting guests over? I couldn’t imagine constantly checking in with people to see if they are coming to your BBQ and also just being prepared and ready at all times to barbeque. I think by the 4th consecutive day of barbequing Dre’s boys would stop coming over and might even look for a job. I just picture this nightmarish scenario in which Dre’s homies are forced to eat his BBQ for eternity, and if they don’t they lose their fancy cars.
Mystikal “Move Bitch”
“Hit the stage and knock the curtains down, I fuck the crowd up-that’s what I do.”
What a horrible man. Mystikal is telling us that every time he performs he tears down the curtains and fucks the crowd up? Good lord that sounds awful. How does he keep getting gigs? When I listen to this song I imagine an angry Mystikal picking out some unsuspecting fan, leaping into the crowd and pummeling them until they cry, but hey, that’s just what he do.
Nas “Halftime”
“Versatile, my style switches like a faggot, but not bi-sexual, I’m an intellectual.”
This is one of those lines that make you stop listening to the rest of the song and try to figure out what the hell Nas is talking about. First off, Nas isn’t versatile. He is an incredible rapper, but sticks to his gritty Queens street storyteller style for the most part. Then he insinuates that homosexuals switch somehow. Is heterosexual the default setting? I know there was a lot of homophobia in rap in the 90’s, but damn come on Nas, it doesn’t work like that, you’re a smart guy. In fact, he is an intellectual, NOT a bi-sexual. It’s almost as if he realizes his faux-pas mid line, but instead of re-writing it, uses what can only be described as the earliest form of a “no homo” by explaining he is NOT bi-sexual, which everyone knows is sexually the furthest removed you can get from being gay. We got it Nas.
Big Tymers “#1 Stunna”
“[Baby] James Bond, Jackie Chan and that bitch MacGyver. [Wayne] Private planes, Jaguars, Bentleys and Prowlers.”
I laugh really hard every time I hear this hook. What do the Big Tymers have against MacGyver? He is # 1 stunna’ish enough to make it into the trifecta with Bond and Chan, but something about MacGyver makes him a huge bitch in their eyes. I’m guessing mullet and jean jacket pant combo. If I could ask God one question it would be why does Baby from Big Tymers think MacGyver is a bitch. I really want to know. Badly. Honorable mention grossness goes to Weezy for boasting about Jaguars and Plymouth Prowlers. Oh late 90’s rap.
Very Serious Barista 