Tag Archives: community

Educational Hip-Hop Lyrics

10 Apr

Ok Cupid Profile Pic

Ok Cupid Profile Pic

1. DJ Quick “First you get the power, then you get the money, then you get the pussy, fool don’t be no dummy.”

After the 50th text off to nowhere and first date that does nothing for your mind or boner, I often put on DJ Quick’s “Hand and Hand” to try and inspire myself and gain some clarity. While Quick was probably not referring to his own online dating failures in the song, it serves as a reminder that while sex, romance and companionship are all worthy pursuits, they often come more naturally while pursuing other things. Power corrupts, and money is the root of all evil, but bitches love that shit, and plus, the song wouldn’t be nearly as good with a hook like, “First you nurture your career, then you handle your finances, then you put the penis in vagina! Don’t be foolish young man!”

1000 bucks for a weekend of pelvic thrusts

1000 bucks for a weekend of pelvic thrusts

2. E-40 “ Sometimes its cool to floss, but don’t buy an $80,000 car before you buy a house.”

While I can’t afford a moped or even a birdhouse, E-40’s slangy down-bay twang resonates. He is a man of priorities and is offering sound fiduciary advice. As most of us are not ambassadors to the Bay, balliticians or iconic rappers, let’s make the scenario more millennial appropriate. “Sometimes it’s cool to floss, but don’t buy tickets to Coachella before you pay rent!”

She digs it

She digs it

3. Next “Baby when we’re grinding, I get so excited, oohhh how I like it, I try but I can’t fight it.”

This is a song about a guy getting an erection while dancing with a girl. The guy claims that if they continue dancing that way, he will be compelled to have sex with her right there on the dance floor. Wow. I wasn’t cool enough to have sex in public with girls at 13, but I was popping boners seemingly to every song I danced to. Between school dances, birthday parties and bar mitzvahs I estimate over 3000 boners popped during 7th grade, and I was embarrassed about it until Next taught me that is was OK. It is OK to get an erection while dancing and if the girl doesn’t like it, then she’s neither public sex nor take home to mom material.

Almost there buddy!

Almost there buddy!

4. Freak Nasty Ho “ I put my hand up on your hip, when I dip you dip we dip…”

If you’ve danced with me, you know I have formidable moves. Girls are often left saying things like, “Wow, what moves.” Psst. I will let you in on a little secret. Step 1. Put your hand up on her hip. Step 2. Dip. Step 3. Hopefully she takes the hint and dips too. Step 4. Simultaneous dipping. Step 5. Dip down low and roll and grind.

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DJ Battles Ruining Parties

10 Jan

I know. That shit sucks.

I know. That shit sucks.

My freshmen year drug dealer once awkwardly sang, “One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain.” Bob Marley and this idiot have clearly never been to a modern day house party where every fuckchuckler with an apple product fancies himself the resident Skrillex.

Generally speaking, there are three pillars to a good party: Booze, ratios, and music. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about the lack of females, but if the ratios are there and the BL Limes are flowing, there is no reason the party should not be cracking. Oh wait, there is some thinly dressed fellow plugging in his iphone and choosing…Sigur Ros!? And oh wait; he’s followed by an eager nymph who intends to move hips by throwing on some early Lykke Li?! What the hell is wrong with everyone? These people make good music in their own right, but did Dre and Snoop teach us nothing? They made songs that made even the staunchest feminist shake her ass and scream about getting cummed on. We all must realize, especially those whose thumbs are about to push play that there is music for listening and then there is music for sweating profusely, biting your shirt and grinding up on people.

Only you want to dance to rare flute music.

Only you want to dance to rare flute music.

This message is for real DJ’s too. I have been to one too many warehouse parties and hep shindiggeries where the DJ and their friends are seemingly just trying to entertain one another. “I wonder what will happen if I put on this avant-garde flute record from the 1940’s?” Everyone will hate you. That’s what will happen. I honestly think there needs to be a school for DJ’s. Bartenders usually have to pass a course, why not DJ’s? If 50% of people aren’t dancing on any given night, your suratos are revoked until you learn the basics.

Ziggy Marley once said, “A party which never realizes its full potential due to faulty musical choices was never really a party at all.” Powerful stuff Ziggy. Let’s remember these wise words and be mindful of each other’s good time.

Wise man.

Wise man.

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