Tag Archives: girls

No Squares in the Cocaine Room

28 Jul

imagesThe first 5 minutes at a house party where you don’t know anyone are crucial. You want to choose a smile that conveys a warm, non-threatening nature while maintaining a certain edge, which lets people know you are a mysterious sex machine. I often botch this look and produce an undesirable result, something in between medicated and the forced smile you use watching your friend in a terrible play. Despite my facial blunders, I still carry enough confidence from years of house partying to navigate with authority. You may catch me euro two stepping in the living room asking a girl what her go-to move is. Or maybe I’m in the kitchen, whipping up a terrible cocktail talking sport with the resident bro. I may even brazenly strike upstairs to use the host’s private bathroom. With all my bravado one might assume there is no party situation that fazes me. Wrong. One element of modern adult partying remains, which, can freeze, even the boldest attendee. The cocaine room.

bouncerThe door opens and shuts quickly. Pretty little creatures shuffle in and out giggling with wide eyes. You can only catch a glimpse for secrecy is paramount. Except that everyone in the fucking party knows what’s going on in that room! Yet you wouldn’t dare step foot inside without an invitation or an 8 ball. Like its exclusionary predecessors, the cocaine room creates jealousy, curiosity, and resentment and ultimately divides. Even if you don’t do drugs, you’re left to wonder what exactly is going on in there. Who is in there and why were they chosen? Clearly those with the cocaine are the prized guests, but what do you have to do, or wear or say to be one of the coke advisors that get the nod?

I’ve always found it fascinating that people, especially in the privacy of a home, are paranoid about people watching them do drugs. No one bats an eye at a dude chugging a beer, even if we know that will lead him down a dark path to becoming a drunk asshole. Often people have no problem telling you they are high once it’s in their system, but god forbid you should see them do a bump off the keys to their Honda.

seats takenI made the mistake of entering unannounced one time and it was the worst. It’s like a combination of the “seat’s taken” bus scene in Forrest Gump and the first day at your High School cafeteria. There were no Jennys with hearts of gold in this room, just attractive weirdoes who wanted me to leave.

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Forgetting My Ex’s Number

23 Jul

gotyeSome day I’m going to forget my ex girlfriend’s phone number. I’m just going to wake up one morning and hit the alarm and in that moment realize that I’m not sure whether the last four digits were 7062 or 3062. This will be such an achievement, the only instance in my life where being forgetful actually helps me out.

Thanks to my iPhone, I never have to remember a goddamn thing. I only know four other peoples’ numbers off the top of my head: My mom, dad, brother, and sister. She’s the fifth. Not even family! We’re talking about some coveted brain space here which she has no right to occupy. I mean I deleted that girl off my phone over three years ago to make a statement – I want that coveted brain space back – a new number for that fifth spot. There are so many better numbers for me to have memorized: my license plate, my buddy Matt, 20 digits of pi, that bomb Ramen restaurant for takeout or how about ANY of my credit cards! I’d even settle for that stupid three digit security code on the back of my visa card that I can never ever ever trust myself to get right.

numbersHer phone number isn’t even easy to remember! It’s got no flow, no repetition, no character, no gravitas. It’s fucking boring, obnoxious really. As opposed to my number, which has a double repeat and closes with double zeros. My number rocks, tons of people know it. And yeah I know it’s sounding like I’m not over this girl, I know it appears to be leaning that way but I am. It’s just some of my brain synapses apparently aren’t and it’s pissing me off.

Seriously I can’t wait for that forgetful morning, and also for those dreams to go away. The dreams where I’m supposed to meet her *and* my current girlfriend in a restaurant then I start panicking because they’re going to know that I double booked them and then I wake up. Grow up brain! You’re supposed to help me out here, not offer up dreams with clear interpretations for my life. Stop pulling this crap.

ramenLast week I was filling out forms for my car insurance company – I had to walk all the way downstairs and out to my garage to double-check my license plate number. It was really hot outside. Look I don’t want to forget we were ever together, it’s just there’s more useful things for my brain to be focusing on. I know I can’t potentially fuck my credit card number when we both run into each other at a mutual friend’s birthday, but it’d be nice not to have to pull out my wallet to read off my security code every time I order delivery from Silverlake ramen.

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Early Bird Gets the Sex

5 Feb

early birdIt’s 2:15 AM. You double click your keys to unlock your modest midsize sedan. You try to focus your vision thru the slightly fogged windshield. Your last call whiskey soda put you .05 over the legal limit. A date, lover, girlfriend, hussy plops into the passenger seat and tells you to turn on the heat. You are holding in farts.

You arrive at her two-bedroom apartment. You wonder if her roommate is finer than her. It’s quarter to 3 because parking is terrible. Her living area smells of pomelo and citrus, but don’t second-guess why you know this. Her room is surprisingly messy. Everything you thought about girls being cleaner than guys is an illusion now. You kiss her. You have to poop.

In her most seductive voice, she asks you to fuck her. You hold in a burp as the night’s dinner is still clashing with the Jameson and IPA. You silently oblige, and unhook your belt, while you take one last look over at the nightstand. 3:30 AM. You tell your insides to shut the hell up and cooperate. You imagine your dick as Thor, conqueror of women and worlds, able to shoot lightning from its tip and render mortals and gossips speechless. Your abs hurt from clenching.

hot duvetShe falls asleep because it is her bed and she is in familiar territory. You are overheating because she has a duvet cover and too many pillows. You try to stick one leg out in an attempt to counter balance the temperature, but alas the covers are too well insulated. You drift in and out of consciousness, stomach still unsettled, your arm trapped under her dead weight. Big spoon problems.

At first light, you sneak out to the adjacent bathroom. You hope for a fan, if there is no fan or it’s not loud enough, you put on Two Chainz Pandora radio at mid to high volume to mask the trombonery. You aim for speed, but without the velocity to stain porcelain. It is uncomfortable and the reading material is sub-par. You wonder why you held it for so long. As you put back on your clothes and tell her goodbye, you start to question many things.

On the car ride home you think how much easier it would have been to just take a crap at her apartment and then resumed activity. You wonder why it’s so taboo to poo. You also consider not staying out until closing time, which not only cuts down on drink costs, but also maximizes energy and agility. You wonder if you are getting lame or smart. You decide it’s a combination of the two and happily accept your fate.

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The 7 First Dates

17 Jul

first dateMuch like there are only 7 plots to a story, there are only 7 first dates you can go on. I wish it wasn’t true, but the cold, hard and damp facts are that we don’t usually care enough about someone on a first date to really impress them so we recycle these tired outings out of convenience and lethargy. I have had the exhaustive pleasure of sampling these ideas and I’m here to tell you the pros and cons of the unimaginative, lazy man’s first date. Feel free to stray from the norm, but lets be honest, you’re the norm.

Coffee- A.KA. Who can cork their doo-doo longer?

Pros: Cheap. Can lead to something else after. You get a good idea of what the person looks like in the daytime and how well they converse. It’s an easy out for both parties if things aren’t going well.

Cons: It’s daytime, so if you’re gunning for a hit and run, you’re bummed. Do you like chatting? Good! Cause you’re going to chat your face off! You’ll learn more about this girl’s cat, parent’s divorce, why she prefers Bradley Coops to The Gosling and other super interesting tid bits that you never really wanted to know.

Grab a Drink- A.K.A. I’d bone you and never call A.K.A. I’m going to need help to get thru this.

Pros: Forget concealer, foundation, rouge, eyeliner and lipstick. All both of us need is a little dim lighting. If dim lighting could be packaged and sold I would be super rich. Watch out Sephora! If dim lighting had a bestie, it would be alcohol. These two buds work some pretty awesome magic. Also, there is more of a chance to use the line, “Do you want to get out of here?” which we all know is douche shiek.

Cons: Sometimes alcohol overpowers lighting and your drunk personality is far grosser than slight pudge or crooked teeth. It’s usually loud and difficult to talk, so if you like to scream at a face, you’re in the clear. Drinks can be pricey, especially if you’re a stand up guy and foot the bill.

Hiking – A.K.A. I want to see you in Yoga pants

Pros: Both can display athleticism and coordination. Exercise releases endorphins, which makes one prone to bone. Wilderness lends itself to intimate chats. LULU LEMONS!!!!!

Cons: Watching girls do sports related activities can sometimes be brutal. Lots of huffing, puffing and back sweat. Too tired to do anything after.

Bowling, Pool, Mini Golf- A.K.A If you suck at these AND aren’t cute about it its over.

Pros: Brings out competitive nature in both. You get an opportunity to see if she can talk some shit and take it. There are classic opportunities to “teach” her how to bowl, putt, and hold the cue, which is really just an excuse to get handsy.

Cons: If the girl beats you it’s pretty depressing. Like you can try to play it off and act like you don’t care, but if you have any pride it will most likely haunt you for some time and effect your self-confidence. Conversely, if you are overly competitive and weird about beating her, she might think you are trying to humiliate her and get turned off. You will deny your intent, but every one knows you’re out for the W.

Dinner and a Movie- A.K.A. The snooze off.

Pros: You get to eat

Cons: Shit is boring

Go to a Show- A.K.A. I’m cultured and stuff

Pros: Potential to dance and see if she’s got some moves. Shows you have good taste and know about cool things.

Cons: If you are bad at dancing she will think you are bad at sex. If you have bad arch support you will be uncomfortable. If the music sucks you will have a bad time. Pretty bad idea actually.

Netflix Night- A.K.A I don’t really want to watch Downtown Abbey with You, but we can bone.

Pros: Get to watch an award winning show and maybe makeout or something.

Cons: Your advances are thwarted and you realize this a terrible mistake. Not only are you firmly placed into the friend zone, but now you are forced to watch British people in costume talk for an hour. Just terrible.

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Double Negatives

5 Feb

In English grammar, two negatives make a positive. Fortunately, we all know grammar is stupid and that here in real life two negatives just mean two bad things. Here are five double negatives that never aren’t fun…I mean that suck.

Why hello scary lady.

Why hello scary lady.

1. Blue Eye Shadow AND Only Has Guy Friends

This is a frightening combination that usually indicates advanced stages of crazy. While seemingly harmless, blue eye shadow turns a perfectly cute treat into a maniacal nightmare. If you aren’t in Cirque de soleil, auditioning for Requiem for a Dream 2: Ass 2 Ass Again, or contemplating joining the Blue Woman group but are scared to go full blue, then please stop. Also, if a girl you are interested in only has guy friends, you will drive yourself crazy thinking about why that is the case. Classic conversation:
“ Mike and I had so much fun at the museum yesterday.”
“ Who’s Mike?”
“ I’ve told you about Mike. He’s my friend.”
“ You know Mike wants to fuck you right? He wants to fuck you in that museum.”
“No…we’re just friends.”
“Stoops.”

Brutes

Brutes

2. Waking Up Hung Over AND Brita Is Empty

The severity of this predicament depends on the dryness of your mouth, thumpiness of your head, and foulness of your breath, but an empty Brita can ruin your already shitty day. There isn’t a time you appreciate water more as life source than when you wake up after drinking heavily and tasting whatever taco truck hot mess you put in your mouth the night before.

Wrap it up!

Wrap it up!

3. Poorly Wrapped Burrito AND No Sour Cream


One of the most overlooked keys to a quality burrito. I can’t tell you how many times (7 times) I’ve taken a few bites of a potentially tasty burrito, only to have it bottom out or spring a leak. What am I to do now Burrito man!? Huh? Just soak myself in carnitas juice while children laugh and point?! Like a drunken white guy once said in a terribly racist accent, “No es burrito sin crema.” SO true brah.

Tough decisions

Tough decisions

4. Having to Take a Poop at a Bar AND Bathroom is Super Foul

Having to poop at a bar is one of the most uncomfortable feelings one can have. You get flush, wonder if you can muster the focus and abdominal strength to cork it or if it’s too little too late. Then, if you choose to make the bold move, you are at the mercy of bar bathroom maintenance, which can range from sticky floor, no lock on door and no toilet paper to no door at all and questionable substance on toilet seat. Do you hover above trying not to let your pants hit the gross floor, while at the same time being mindful of distance from toilet water to avoid splash back? (A.K.A. The unintentional bidet).

Sweet tote girl.

Sweet tote girl.

5. Shopping at Trader Joe’s AND No Attractive Girls Are Shopping

Grocery shopping is a hassle everywhere, but there is an added element of chaos at TJ’s with the swarm of workers rolling around dollies, re-stocking goods and flying about with reckless abandon. Aisles can be tight, Jalapeno cheddar sticks can be out of stock and tote bags can be forgotten. It’s in these TJ moments I try to remain calm and distract myself by observing the shopping habits of cute hipsters. I find it therapeutic. If there aren’t any cute girls shopping, however, I quickly become stressed out and slightly depressed and usually hang out by the free samples until my confidence returns.

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The 7 B’s of Summer

5 Jun

So sweet.

Bros– Whether they are donning boat shoes and Oakleys or neon tanks and Chuck Taylors, the bros will be out in full force. While they used to be confined to beaches, skate parks and yachting regattas, bros are now free to frolic and be sweet in any social setting. Much like the ambiguous “hipster” tag, being labeled a bro often carries a negative connotation and causes fits of denial from the accused, but fear not my dude, you are to be celebrated. There are sunny days ahead, three months of them actually, all yours to make super epiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Get it Girl!!!

Babes– The sun plays three important roles in our lives. It makes us less depressed, something…something…plant…photosynthesis, and occasionally it makes girls hot and uncomfortable enough to wear less clothing. Yea! Babes have been hard at work since winter chiseling and forming their bikini bods. You might have even caught an FB status or two like, “Gettin’ it in on the treadmill,” or “Just Zumba’d with my babes! My buns are on fiyah!!! Hehe :).”

You guys know beach right?

Beach– The natural playground for the babes and bros, and the occasional over lathered geisha girl. The beach is a delight, but I don’t need to tell you, that’s simps knowledge. What you might not know is that the beach is sexy, (babes) gross, (fat pales) strange, (overdressed crazies looking for trinkets) dangerous, (big waves and wild Frisbees) and cantankerous, (just like that word). The beach isn’t going anywhere (actually due to erosion and global warming what have yous it might be going somewhere) so have a visit while you can and enjoy summer’s #1 destination.

Niceeeeeee

Brews– Sixers, Twelvers, 18’s, 32’s, 30 racks, 24’s, 40’s…I could keep listing shit. It’s amazing how many different ways and ounces you can get drunk in. These are the choices you will make this summer, and they will be difficult. Do I get a sixer of something nice? A twelver of high life and hand them out like water bottles? 40 to the dome and scare everybody at the party? Believe it or not people are still judged on what kind of beer they bring. Here are my recommendations.

Serious Adult- 12 of Lagunitas IPA
Reminiscent Randy- 30 of Bud Light
Frighten People at the Party- 40 of Mickey’s to the face
Joke Purchase that you Regret- BL Limes

J.R. Hungotown

Barbecues– When the Bloods and the Crips met in the 90’s to discuss a potential truce between them, guess what they did? Had a mother effin’ BBQ! Barbecues bring people together and usually make them happy. So scrub that grimy shit off you forgot to last summer and throw on the slabs of meat. If you are feeling extra tolerant, you can even invite your vegetarian friends over and watch them begrudgingly enjoy a grilled pineapple. Idiots.

I could watch so many battleships with these

Blunts– Summer is a time to rage, but also a time to chill. Bet you didn’t know a season could be so complex. I’ll admit I haven’t had a blunt in years, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t belong with the b’s of summer.
“Does anyone want to go see Battleship?”
“Hell no, that shit looks terrible!” 10 minutes after blunt….
“Yo, we should go see Battleship.”

Take your pick

Balls– Gross guys, not those. I mean balls as they relate to sports. Baseball, Basketball and Bacci ball are all great summer time activities. I actually dislike baseball, but for some reason when summer hits I’m compelled to pay 15 bucks and sit in a tiny plastic chair for 4 hours watching grown men jog and spit. Pretty weird when you think about it, but it wouldn’t be summer without it.

Fun game to play: See how many b’s of summer you can incorporate together. If anyone sends me a pic of him or her doing all 7 Ill give them a prize. That would be brews and blunts with your bros barbecuing at the beach watching babes play with balls. Have a great summer!

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Boyhood Boners

14 May

Orphan Hot!

Topanga– What can I say about this wild haired lass? Is she White? Armenian? Or some exotic mix of unbridled passion and scornful lust. Whatever she is she made sitting thru Corey Matthews bullshit far more tolerable. The best thing about her is she has no point of reference. Mr. Pheeny is the principal and neighbor. Sean is the best friend who lives in a trailer park, and to my knowledge Topanga is some incredibly attractive orphan girl who shows up in episodes periodically to remind me I’m a red blooded American boy.

Before Lil Wayne made a song…

Dion– I never thought I would admit this, but D from Clueless makes me wish I were Donald Faison for those 2 hours, pubic stash, gap tooth and all. She was beyond dope. She looked ridiculous at that High School, mainly because she was Black in Beverly Hills, but also because she was 100 times doper than any other student. I didn’t fall for Alicia Silverstones’ whiny voice or dumpy frame, and I certainly wasn’t enticed by weirdo turned entitled bitch Brittany Murphy. When D came out rocking that bikini in the pool scene, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom for some alone time…to poop guys. I ate too many Reese’s Cups and was nervous because it was my first sleepover. Also Stacey Dash was super hot.

So easy to tell.

Tia from Sister Sister– Yes, one twin was finer than the other, and everyone knew it. I can’t imagine growing up the less attractive twin in front of a public audience, albeit a small, afternoon UPN public audience. It must have been excruciating, but I couldn’t help see Tamera as anything but a goofy study buddy, whereas Tia exuded sex and sophistication.

Not racist…right?

Yellow Ranger– In a 1992 interview with Esquire, Fox executive Don Holcomb said, “The Yellow Ranger suit was literally the last color we had, and Trini Kwan was the last actor we hired for the show. Swear to God bro.” This is a fake quote and what Fox did is insensitive, but if we can look past the suit, we find a beautiful Vietnamese orchid who kicked and hi-ya’d her way to my heart. She also had an incredibly strange and tragic life before and after her stint with the Rangers. Check it out.

Yup.

Mya– Her only song I know of is “Ghetto Superstar” and that was enough. She is the only person I’ve waited in line to get an autograph from. Pretty weird right? I stood outside the Rasputin Records on Telegraph in Berkeley, CA for over 2 hours to get an autograph from Mya. I’m cracking up writing this. She was dope though. I still remember her outfit. Atlanta Braves bucket hat, lime green tank top, jean skirt and Timbos. Yes Mam, now that was an outfit.

Why did this happen?

Starship Troopers Shower Scene– There really needed to be some extra special rating for this movie. Maybe like, “Don’t go see this with your Mom because there is a shower scene out of nowhere that will make you feel super uncomfortable.” As you can guess this is precisely what happened. I was fully immersed in the intergalactic bloodbath, rooting for Rico to avenge his smoldering hometown of Buenos Aires, (WTF?) when that skinny red head decided to challenge gender roles and show her tits in the shower. Oh man. I had seen boobs in Porky’s, and a pair of panties in Revenge of the Nerds, but I was not ready for exposed ginger nipple sitting next to my Mother.

Wants it so bad.

Kelly Kapowski– What a dreamboat. With her short shorts and those little white Keds, she would shuffle around the halls of Bayside High rousing the attention of students, teachers and Mr. Beldings alike. She wanted it bad. Who knows if Zach Morris ever got her? Part of me thinks Belding was involved in some scandalous aftercurriculars, but we may never know. Or will we? Quick side note: Mr. Belding hangs out at bars in the Sherman Oaks all the time. He is apparently very friendly and approachable, so if you are so inclined go ask him yourself. I’m certainly not going to the valley.

So bad.

Tia Carrere– I was sha-winging all over the place.

Jasmine– She’s so sexy when she’s mad.

Never thought she would have a career.

Kelly Bundy– The hot, trashy white. She was dumb, pretty and poor, and 8 year old Me was very intrigued. She was both dangerous and accessible and ultimately a great life lesson. This was the girl you date for a summer, but never bring home to mother.

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