Tag Archives: weed

The 7 B’s of Summer

5 Jun

So sweet.

Bros– Whether they are donning boat shoes and Oakleys or neon tanks and Chuck Taylors, the bros will be out in full force. While they used to be confined to beaches, skate parks and yachting regattas, bros are now free to frolic and be sweet in any social setting. Much like the ambiguous “hipster” tag, being labeled a bro often carries a negative connotation and causes fits of denial from the accused, but fear not my dude, you are to be celebrated. There are sunny days ahead, three months of them actually, all yours to make super epiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Get it Girl!!!

Babes– The sun plays three important roles in our lives. It makes us less depressed, something…something…plant…photosynthesis, and occasionally it makes girls hot and uncomfortable enough to wear less clothing. Yea! Babes have been hard at work since winter chiseling and forming their bikini bods. You might have even caught an FB status or two like, “Gettin’ it in on the treadmill,” or “Just Zumba’d with my babes! My buns are on fiyah!!! Hehe :).”

You guys know beach right?

Beach– The natural playground for the babes and bros, and the occasional over lathered geisha girl. The beach is a delight, but I don’t need to tell you, that’s simps knowledge. What you might not know is that the beach is sexy, (babes) gross, (fat pales) strange, (overdressed crazies looking for trinkets) dangerous, (big waves and wild Frisbees) and cantankerous, (just like that word). The beach isn’t going anywhere (actually due to erosion and global warming what have yous it might be going somewhere) so have a visit while you can and enjoy summer’s #1 destination.

Niceeeeeee

Brews– Sixers, Twelvers, 18’s, 32’s, 30 racks, 24’s, 40’s…I could keep listing shit. It’s amazing how many different ways and ounces you can get drunk in. These are the choices you will make this summer, and they will be difficult. Do I get a sixer of something nice? A twelver of high life and hand them out like water bottles? 40 to the dome and scare everybody at the party? Believe it or not people are still judged on what kind of beer they bring. Here are my recommendations.

Serious Adult- 12 of Lagunitas IPA
Reminiscent Randy- 30 of Bud Light
Frighten People at the Party- 40 of Mickey’s to the face
Joke Purchase that you Regret- BL Limes

J.R. Hungotown

Barbecues– When the Bloods and the Crips met in the 90’s to discuss a potential truce between them, guess what they did? Had a mother effin’ BBQ! Barbecues bring people together and usually make them happy. So scrub that grimy shit off you forgot to last summer and throw on the slabs of meat. If you are feeling extra tolerant, you can even invite your vegetarian friends over and watch them begrudgingly enjoy a grilled pineapple. Idiots.

I could watch so many battleships with these

Blunts– Summer is a time to rage, but also a time to chill. Bet you didn’t know a season could be so complex. I’ll admit I haven’t had a blunt in years, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t belong with the b’s of summer.
“Does anyone want to go see Battleship?”
“Hell no, that shit looks terrible!” 10 minutes after blunt….
“Yo, we should go see Battleship.”

Take your pick

Balls– Gross guys, not those. I mean balls as they relate to sports. Baseball, Basketball and Bacci ball are all great summer time activities. I actually dislike baseball, but for some reason when summer hits I’m compelled to pay 15 bucks and sit in a tiny plastic chair for 4 hours watching grown men jog and spit. Pretty weird when you think about it, but it wouldn’t be summer without it.

Fun game to play: See how many b’s of summer you can incorporate together. If anyone sends me a pic of him or her doing all 7 Ill give them a prize. That would be brews and blunts with your bros barbecuing at the beach watching babes play with balls. Have a great summer!

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Spring Break Throwback: Willits Edition

11 Apr

...and also lots of weed

While most College Seniors are planning their epic trip to Cabo, I was convinced to spend four wild days in Willits. For those unfamiliar, Willits is a small town in Northern California that is notable for being small and full of weed (to be fair this can aptly describe any town north of the Bay Area, CA). I like to compare it to the shire from Lord of the Rings, but instead of Hobbits, its inhabitants include ganja farmers and Woody Harrelson type dealers.
With the appropriate iPod playlist at the ready, two friends and I hopped in the whip and reggae free-styled our way up state. We arrived at our destination in high spirits, and pretty much kept those spirits for the next four days. It’s difficult to be a Debbie downer when you’re a guest on a weed farm. The next 96 hours were admittedly a blur, but I remember four things that were way more awesome than anything I could have done in Cabo.

Shooting AK-47: Shooting an AK is like playing a video game. I honestly felt like I was just pressing R2 the entire time. I stood on top of a bluff overlooking the Eel River, and shot the crap out of boulders while laughing softly. It’s creepy how powerful you feel with one of those tucked under your armpit. I pretended I was a Russian guard who finally got the best of Bond and Natalia in the Stacks. It was glorious.

Rafting down the Eel River: Looking back this was pretty sketch. My friend and I literally took turns blowing air into a tiny children’s raft that clearly wasn’t meant for two grown men. With our compromised lung capacity, we failed to properly inflate the raft, but that didn’t stop us. Like a couple of veteran Oregon trailers with no Indians in sight, we chose to cock the raft and float it. We started sinking immediately, the currents were wild and the water freezing, but somehow we navigated that river for 5 minutes with our friends Cyborg dog paddling by our side. Just one of those “I can’t believe this is working moments.”

Racing Through the Woods: Weedy McGee (farm owner) wanted to show us how beautiful the sunset was from the ridge. We were losing light quick, so clearly a dirt bike/ATV race was in order. I was tripping the hardest so I sat bitch on the ATV. Unbeknownst to me, Weedy McGee was born on a dirt bike because he smashed through the woods like Bigfoot on a bender. My friend valiantly tried to keep up, but we hit a steep uphill and ended up flipping the ATV and had to use our Zeus like quads to flip it behind us. Normally, a near fatal ATV crash would stop me in my tracks, but we had a sunset to catch and Weedy McGee was right, it was beautiful.

Playing Every Instrument Ever: Apparently when you run a weed farm you get lonely, and when you get lonely you buy every instrument imaginable. I played no less than 32 instruments in a circular room for 9 hours. I thought I was the shit. Gamelans, Djembes, Obos, it didn’t matter, I awkwardly played them all, high as shit in a dimly lit room.

I have never been back to Willits, and I will never go again. I want to keep my epic senior spring break enshrined in its proper haze of AK’s and questionable river rafting. So if you are off to some sun burnt slosh fest this spring break, kudos my friend, but everyone should have their Willits. Get weird.

Let's avoid being this guy

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