Tag Archives: Fitness

The 7 B’s of Summer

5 Jun

So sweet.

Bros– Whether they are donning boat shoes and Oakleys or neon tanks and Chuck Taylors, the bros will be out in full force. While they used to be confined to beaches, skate parks and yachting regattas, bros are now free to frolic and be sweet in any social setting. Much like the ambiguous “hipster” tag, being labeled a bro often carries a negative connotation and causes fits of denial from the accused, but fear not my dude, you are to be celebrated. There are sunny days ahead, three months of them actually, all yours to make super epiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Get it Girl!!!

Babes– The sun plays three important roles in our lives. It makes us less depressed, something…something…plant…photosynthesis, and occasionally it makes girls hot and uncomfortable enough to wear less clothing. Yea! Babes have been hard at work since winter chiseling and forming their bikini bods. You might have even caught an FB status or two like, “Gettin’ it in on the treadmill,” or “Just Zumba’d with my babes! My buns are on fiyah!!! Hehe :).”

You guys know beach right?

Beach– The natural playground for the babes and bros, and the occasional over lathered geisha girl. The beach is a delight, but I don’t need to tell you, that’s simps knowledge. What you might not know is that the beach is sexy, (babes) gross, (fat pales) strange, (overdressed crazies looking for trinkets) dangerous, (big waves and wild Frisbees) and cantankerous, (just like that word). The beach isn’t going anywhere (actually due to erosion and global warming what have yous it might be going somewhere) so have a visit while you can and enjoy summer’s #1 destination.


Brews– Sixers, Twelvers, 18’s, 32’s, 30 racks, 24’s, 40’s…I could keep listing shit. It’s amazing how many different ways and ounces you can get drunk in. These are the choices you will make this summer, and they will be difficult. Do I get a sixer of something nice? A twelver of high life and hand them out like water bottles? 40 to the dome and scare everybody at the party? Believe it or not people are still judged on what kind of beer they bring. Here are my recommendations.

Serious Adult- 12 of Lagunitas IPA
Reminiscent Randy- 30 of Bud Light
Frighten People at the Party- 40 of Mickey’s to the face
Joke Purchase that you Regret- BL Limes

J.R. Hungotown

Barbecues– When the Bloods and the Crips met in the 90’s to discuss a potential truce between them, guess what they did? Had a mother effin’ BBQ! Barbecues bring people together and usually make them happy. So scrub that grimy shit off you forgot to last summer and throw on the slabs of meat. If you are feeling extra tolerant, you can even invite your vegetarian friends over and watch them begrudgingly enjoy a grilled pineapple. Idiots.

I could watch so many battleships with these

Blunts– Summer is a time to rage, but also a time to chill. Bet you didn’t know a season could be so complex. I’ll admit I haven’t had a blunt in years, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t belong with the b’s of summer.
“Does anyone want to go see Battleship?”
“Hell no, that shit looks terrible!” 10 minutes after blunt….
“Yo, we should go see Battleship.”

Take your pick

Balls– Gross guys, not those. I mean balls as they relate to sports. Baseball, Basketball and Bacci ball are all great summer time activities. I actually dislike baseball, but for some reason when summer hits I’m compelled to pay 15 bucks and sit in a tiny plastic chair for 4 hours watching grown men jog and spit. Pretty weird when you think about it, but it wouldn’t be summer without it.

Fun game to play: See how many b’s of summer you can incorporate together. If anyone sends me a pic of him or her doing all 7 Ill give them a prize. That would be brews and blunts with your bros barbecuing at the beach watching babes play with balls. Have a great summer!

Lord’s Gym Regrets Sinking Endowment Into Marketing Campaign to Join the LRA

10 Mar

In one of the most impressive online marketing efforts in recent memory, Kony 2012 has managed to reach millions of people in a short amount of time sparking both praise and suspicion behind the video’s intent. One group in particular, Lord’s Gym in Los Angeles, is outraged by the video’s popularity.
“This is horseshit!” said Lord’s Gym Lead Marketing Coordinator, Karl Hoover, “this idiot and his stupid blonde son ruined everything!” Hoover, who has been working for months on a campaign to resist obesity and raise awareness about the importance of physical fitness, is referring to the gym’s slogan, “Join the Lord’s Resistance Army, “ (LRA) and claims that this terrible coincidence could potentially bankrupt the popular gymnasium.
“We sunk everything we had into that campaign.” Hoover continued. “We bought those Lance Armstrong bracelets with LRA on them. We got the Shepard Fairey Obama like posters that say ‘Join the LRA now!’ We even hired Banksy to do some weird stuff outside of the gym, but it’s all over now.”
Hoover claims that he was unaware of a “Lords Resistance Army” already in existence and says that he didn’t even know Uganda was an actual place. Current members of the Lord’s gym in Los Angeles seem undeterred and vow to keep working out despite the blunder.
“I’m not trying to get involved in international affairs, bro,” said gym member Luis Falco. “As long as there is a bench press and elliptical, I’m chill.”
Other gym members were alarmed to hear that the marketing snafu could force the small gym into bankruptcy, and noted that maybe the money should have been allotted to a better cause.
“I think its great that someone is trying to resist obesity, but the gym is also in need of new equipment and better facilities. Everything smells like rotting gazelle carcass.”
Hoover’s marketing team came up with their video featuring two fat guys lifting weights in soaked t-shirts, but it did not garner the same popularity.
“Listen I’m not going to sit here and call the guy who made that video a bitch, “ said Hoover. “I’ll be the bigger man, but he’s kind of a bitch right? You kind of just can’t stand him. Was he born with final cut pro? That video is crazy good.”