Tag Archives: health

The Potluck

2 Oct

Last Friday on the eve of my 27th birthday, I went to a potluck. I don’t frequent the potluck scene, which may be a reflection of how few friends I have in L.A. or a simple reminder that I don’t enjoy sharing food. Normally, I would head to Trader Joe’s, pick up chips and salsa and a bottle of Yellow Tail and call it a day, but something came over me that night. I decided to whip up a Quinoa with basil chicken and peppers. Whip up!? I never say that. Quinwhat!? If you had asked me two years ago what quinoa was, I might have thought you were making fun of Chinese people. A year ago I would have called you a health nut freak, and now here I am whipping up a fresh batch for a potluck dinner. Wild stuff.

Whiff that fresh grain

I nervously entered the apartment with my big ass bowl. Rushing thru the pleasantries, I scanned the counter top for a prime location. I now know what my grandmas and aunts felt like at holiday gatherings when they would subversively move each other’s dishes around vying for the good table real estate. Taking a cue from Aunt Margie, I moved the grossest looking thing to the side and slid my big ass bowl of quinoa into the spotlight. I can’t tell you how nervous I was the rest of the night. People would approach me and want to know where I was from, how I knew the host, what I did for a living, but my attention was fixed on the countertop. “You seem very nice, but unfortunately I made this fresh quinoa and I’m pretty excited about it, so we are going to have to talk later.” I didn’t care if I was labeled the socially inept food freak at the party; I wanted to be a potluck success for once in my life.
The guests started to form a line. Veggies were picked, salads were scooped and so it came time for my dish. I watched, as the saran wrap was unfolded to reveal hours of sweaty, proud kitchen labor. I almost wanted to interject and add a disclaimer like, “Just to let everyone know, this was my first time making quinoa…so…you know” but I decided to let the situation play out organically. The first girl took a bite and exclaimed, “Oh my god, who made the quinoa!?” Hell yea girl. I did. In reality, I hesitantly raised my hand. Was someone at this party going to call me a faggot? She got real close to me and asked how I made it. I tried to play it off, but she insisted I tell her, step for step.

So there I was, a 27 year old at a potluck that had just been complimented on his quinoa, telling an eager foodie how to prepare the dish. “You see the key is to cook it in vegetable stock.” I laughed out loud after I said that, and she looked confused. If only she was there during College when my go-to dish was the Tuna Nut surprise, otherwise known as whatever the hell was left in the cupboard with olive oil surprise. I have come a long way.

My Recipe: 1 box of quinoa and whip that shit up.

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Lord’s Gym Regrets Sinking Endowment Into Marketing Campaign to Join the LRA

10 Mar

In one of the most impressive online marketing efforts in recent memory, Kony 2012 has managed to reach millions of people in a short amount of time sparking both praise and suspicion behind the video’s intent. One group in particular, Lord’s Gym in Los Angeles, is outraged by the video’s popularity.
“This is horseshit!” said Lord’s Gym Lead Marketing Coordinator, Karl Hoover, “this idiot and his stupid blonde son ruined everything!” Hoover, who has been working for months on a campaign to resist obesity and raise awareness about the importance of physical fitness, is referring to the gym’s slogan, “Join the Lord’s Resistance Army, “ (LRA) and claims that this terrible coincidence could potentially bankrupt the popular gymnasium.
“We sunk everything we had into that campaign.” Hoover continued. “We bought those Lance Armstrong bracelets with LRA on them. We got the Shepard Fairey Obama like posters that say ‘Join the LRA now!’ We even hired Banksy to do some weird stuff outside of the gym, but it’s all over now.”
Hoover claims that he was unaware of a “Lords Resistance Army” already in existence and says that he didn’t even know Uganda was an actual place. Current members of the Lord’s gym in Los Angeles seem undeterred and vow to keep working out despite the blunder.
“I’m not trying to get involved in international affairs, bro,” said gym member Luis Falco. “As long as there is a bench press and elliptical, I’m chill.”
Other gym members were alarmed to hear that the marketing snafu could force the small gym into bankruptcy, and noted that maybe the money should have been allotted to a better cause.
“I think its great that someone is trying to resist obesity, but the gym is also in need of new equipment and better facilities. Everything smells like rotting gazelle carcass.”
Hoover’s marketing team came up with their video featuring two fat guys lifting weights in soaked t-shirts, but it did not garner the same popularity.
“Listen I’m not going to sit here and call the guy who made that video a bitch, “ said Hoover. “I’ll be the bigger man, but he’s kind of a bitch right? You kind of just can’t stand him. Was he born with final cut pro? That video is crazy good.”

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