Tag Archives: restaurants

The Potluck

2 Oct

Last Friday on the eve of my 27th birthday, I went to a potluck. I don’t frequent the potluck scene, which may be a reflection of how few friends I have in L.A. or a simple reminder that I don’t enjoy sharing food. Normally, I would head to Trader Joe’s, pick up chips and salsa and a bottle of Yellow Tail and call it a day, but something came over me that night. I decided to whip up a Quinoa with basil chicken and peppers. Whip up!? I never say that. Quinwhat!? If you had asked me two years ago what quinoa was, I might have thought you were making fun of Chinese people. A year ago I would have called you a health nut freak, and now here I am whipping up a fresh batch for a potluck dinner. Wild stuff.

Whiff that fresh grain

I nervously entered the apartment with my big ass bowl. Rushing thru the pleasantries, I scanned the counter top for a prime location. I now know what my grandmas and aunts felt like at holiday gatherings when they would subversively move each other’s dishes around vying for the good table real estate. Taking a cue from Aunt Margie, I moved the grossest looking thing to the side and slid my big ass bowl of quinoa into the spotlight. I can’t tell you how nervous I was the rest of the night. People would approach me and want to know where I was from, how I knew the host, what I did for a living, but my attention was fixed on the countertop. “You seem very nice, but unfortunately I made this fresh quinoa and I’m pretty excited about it, so we are going to have to talk later.” I didn’t care if I was labeled the socially inept food freak at the party; I wanted to be a potluck success for once in my life.
The guests started to form a line. Veggies were picked, salads were scooped and so it came time for my dish. I watched, as the saran wrap was unfolded to reveal hours of sweaty, proud kitchen labor. I almost wanted to interject and add a disclaimer like, “Just to let everyone know, this was my first time making quinoa…so…you know” but I decided to let the situation play out organically. The first girl took a bite and exclaimed, “Oh my god, who made the quinoa!?” Hell yea girl. I did. In reality, I hesitantly raised my hand. Was someone at this party going to call me a faggot? She got real close to me and asked how I made it. I tried to play it off, but she insisted I tell her, step for step.

So there I was, a 27 year old at a potluck that had just been complimented on his quinoa, telling an eager foodie how to prepare the dish. “You see the key is to cook it in vegetable stock.” I laughed out loud after I said that, and she looked confused. If only she was there during College when my go-to dish was the Tuna Nut surprise, otherwise known as whatever the hell was left in the cupboard with olive oil surprise. I have come a long way.

My Recipe: 1 box of quinoa and whip that shit up.

Drunk Guy Confuses Del Taco For In and Out, Regrets Decision

15 Mar

Joseph Linzusky left his friends at the bar around 1:30 AM last Saturday.
“I was hungry, “ said 33 year-old Linzusky. “I only ate a bowl of Annie’s macaroni before going out, and I had a couple beers in me.”
Linzusky, who consumed numerous whiskey shots and a dozen beers in the span of four hours continued down the street in search of food, passing taco trucks and small Latina women cooking delicious things with bacon. He claims that normally he would stop at a taco truck, but a tall, shimmery red and yellow sign distracted him.
“Look man I’m not racist, I like Mexicans or whatever, but I thought I saw a sign for In and Out. I guess I was pretty buzzed.”
Many fast food chains including McDonalds, Carls Jr., Five Guys and Del Taco use the red and yellow color scheme in their logo. Del Taco Public Relations Manager James Johns maintains this is no coincidence.
“Did we copy the red and yellow scheme to confuse drunk people into thinking we’re In and Out? Yes, absolutely. Have you ever seen someone in a Del Taco during the day? No sober person would ever make that decision.”
Linzusky knew he was in trouble when he saw the depressed cashier, an out of order bathroom and two homeless men playing checkers.
“In and Out has a happier vibe generally. The workers are in a good mood and it smells like it should.”
To-Go order person Lidia Guzman who works weekends at Del Taco agrees. “I hate working here. I hate the people I work with and everyone who comes in. I’ve never even tried a taco from here.”
Linzusky says he considered leaving once he realized his mistake, but the line was really short and the food priced generously.
“It’s 49 cents for a taco. That’s ridiculous. Of course I’m going to buy multiple tacos at those prices.”
After actually eating the tacos and spending an unusually brutal morning on the toilet, Linzusky concluded that the costs might not outweigh the benefits.
“I ended up missing the first half-day of work. I probably won’t go back there.”