The 7 First Dates

17 Jul

first dateMuch like there are only 7 plots to a story, there are only 7 first dates you can go on. I wish it wasn’t true, but the cold, hard and damp facts are that we don’t usually care enough about someone on a first date to really impress them so we recycle these tired outings out of convenience and lethargy. I have had the exhaustive pleasure of sampling these ideas and I’m here to tell you the pros and cons of the unimaginative, lazy man’s first date. Feel free to stray from the norm, but lets be honest, you’re the norm.

Coffee- A.KA. Who can cork their doo-doo longer?

Pros: Cheap. Can lead to something else after. You get a good idea of what the person looks like in the daytime and how well they converse. It’s an easy out for both parties if things aren’t going well.

Cons: It’s daytime, so if you’re gunning for a hit and run, you’re bummed. Do you like chatting? Good! Cause you’re going to chat your face off! You’ll learn more about this girl’s cat, parent’s divorce, why she prefers Bradley Coops to The Gosling and other super interesting tid bits that you never really wanted to know.

Grab a Drink- A.K.A. I’d bone you and never call A.K.A. I’m going to need help to get thru this.

Pros: Forget concealer, foundation, rouge, eyeliner and lipstick. All both of us need is a little dim lighting. If dim lighting could be packaged and sold I would be super rich. Watch out Sephora! If dim lighting had a bestie, it would be alcohol. These two buds work some pretty awesome magic. Also, there is more of a chance to use the line, “Do you want to get out of here?” which we all know is douche shiek.

Cons: Sometimes alcohol overpowers lighting and your drunk personality is far grosser than slight pudge or crooked teeth. It’s usually loud and difficult to talk, so if you like to scream at a face, you’re in the clear. Drinks can be pricey, especially if you’re a stand up guy and foot the bill.

Hiking – A.K.A. I want to see you in Yoga pants

Pros: Both can display athleticism and coordination. Exercise releases endorphins, which makes one prone to bone. Wilderness lends itself to intimate chats. LULU LEMONS!!!!!

Cons: Watching girls do sports related activities can sometimes be brutal. Lots of huffing, puffing and back sweat. Too tired to do anything after.

Bowling, Pool, Mini Golf- A.K.A If you suck at these AND aren’t cute about it its over.

Pros: Brings out competitive nature in both. You get an opportunity to see if she can talk some shit and take it. There are classic opportunities to “teach” her how to bowl, putt, and hold the cue, which is really just an excuse to get handsy.

Cons: If the girl beats you it’s pretty depressing. Like you can try to play it off and act like you don’t care, but if you have any pride it will most likely haunt you for some time and effect your self-confidence. Conversely, if you are overly competitive and weird about beating her, she might think you are trying to humiliate her and get turned off. You will deny your intent, but every one knows you’re out for the W.

Dinner and a Movie- A.K.A. The snooze off.

Pros: You get to eat

Cons: Shit is boring

Go to a Show- A.K.A. I’m cultured and stuff

Pros: Potential to dance and see if she’s got some moves. Shows you have good taste and know about cool things.

Cons: If you are bad at dancing she will think you are bad at sex. If you have bad arch support you will be uncomfortable. If the music sucks you will have a bad time. Pretty bad idea actually.

Netflix Night- A.K.A I don’t really want to watch Downtown Abbey with You, but we can bone.

Pros: Get to watch an award winning show and maybe makeout or something.

Cons: Your advances are thwarted and you realize this a terrible mistake. Not only are you firmly placed into the friend zone, but now you are forced to watch British people in costume talk for an hour. Just terrible.

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