Tag Archives: gaming

Haggards at the Gate

23 May

Their Magic is Strong

The oft forgotten yet always there
Whose intentions made clear with vicious stares
The proud may fight and suffer terrible fates
When they meet the haggards at the gate
-A Fallen Hero

When you are a single guy out for a night on the town you must be a warrior. You must be prepared for battle in any form it manifests. I have conquered the unexpected stomach grumblers of the south and retreated to a nearby Chinese restaurant to re strategize. I have danced the forbidden “dance of the largess” and escaped with only mild B.O. and a phone number. I’ve engaged in the perpetual banter of the witty and come out exhausted but unscathed. My banner men (bros?) who fight bravely with me in the field would lavish me with praise and speak to my fealty and pretty sweet dance moves. There is one enemy, however, one battle I have yet to figure out or emerge victorious from. I speak of the haggards at the gate.

The haggards are a proud group. Undeservedly so, but proud nonetheless. They guard their attractive friends with a passion and bloodlust that renders most warriors useless. Depending on the rabid nature of a particular haggard, one may spend as few as twenty seconds or as long as an entire evening trying to marginalize their presence. On certain nights the numbers are in your favor. With a stirring enough whiskey induced battle cry, you might convince a fellow warrior to “jump on the grenade,” “fall on the battle axe,” or as it should be known “just generally have a bad night with an ugly girl.” Other nights you are outnumbered. Your banner men may be tired and resort to comment making in the corner or talk about how good In and Out sounds. You are forced to go rogue and face the haggard’s’ treachery head on.

Treachery behind those smiles

During my last encounter I was ten minutes into a delightful yell-off at a club with a Hawaiian treat when it happened.

“Where are you from?”
“What are you doing here?”
“Why do you dance like that?”
“Do you come here often?”
“Isn’t this place so random?”

Fuck off! Back you haggards! Back I say. But there magic was strong. Dances were interrupted, bathroom breaks were taken, whispering sessions were had and one was bold enough to back up her formidable and unshapely rump on my increasingly flaccid long sword. The night ended with quesadillas and light creeping on the book, not quite how I drew up the battle plan.

Their attractive friend is in the middle somewhere. So tough.

So congratulations haggards on another battle well fought. You saved your friend for another night, from what I’m not sure. Nobody wins in this situation, unless you count grinding your sweaty back against me for the entirety to “Make it Nasty.” Are you really hoping I will make an egregious error in judgment and choose/jump/fall on you over a Hawaiian treat? This is not college, my nocturnal tastes are too discerning. I know we will continue to meet in battle, but it is my wish and great hope that one day I will approach the gates and not have to draw my sword in such haste. That I will be shown respect for my courage and wished well on my arduous journey that lies ahead. Until we meet again…

– Another Fallen Hero

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Boyhood Boners

14 May

Orphan Hot!

Topanga– What can I say about this wild haired lass? Is she White? Armenian? Or some exotic mix of unbridled passion and scornful lust. Whatever she is she made sitting thru Corey Matthews bullshit far more tolerable. The best thing about her is she has no point of reference. Mr. Pheeny is the principal and neighbor. Sean is the best friend who lives in a trailer park, and to my knowledge Topanga is some incredibly attractive orphan girl who shows up in episodes periodically to remind me I’m a red blooded American boy.

Before Lil Wayne made a song…

Dion– I never thought I would admit this, but D from Clueless makes me wish I were Donald Faison for those 2 hours, pubic stash, gap tooth and all. She was beyond dope. She looked ridiculous at that High School, mainly because she was Black in Beverly Hills, but also because she was 100 times doper than any other student. I didn’t fall for Alicia Silverstones’ whiny voice or dumpy frame, and I certainly wasn’t enticed by weirdo turned entitled bitch Brittany Murphy. When D came out rocking that bikini in the pool scene, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom for some alone time…to poop guys. I ate too many Reese’s Cups and was nervous because it was my first sleepover. Also Stacey Dash was super hot.

So easy to tell.

Tia from Sister Sister– Yes, one twin was finer than the other, and everyone knew it. I can’t imagine growing up the less attractive twin in front of a public audience, albeit a small, afternoon UPN public audience. It must have been excruciating, but I couldn’t help see Tamera as anything but a goofy study buddy, whereas Tia exuded sex and sophistication.

Not racist…right?

Yellow Ranger– In a 1992 interview with Esquire, Fox executive Don Holcomb said, “The Yellow Ranger suit was literally the last color we had, and Trini Kwan was the last actor we hired for the show. Swear to God bro.” This is a fake quote and what Fox did is insensitive, but if we can look past the suit, we find a beautiful Vietnamese orchid who kicked and hi-ya’d her way to my heart. She also had an incredibly strange and tragic life before and after her stint with the Rangers. Check it out.

Yup.

Mya– Her only song I know of is “Ghetto Superstar” and that was enough. She is the only person I’ve waited in line to get an autograph from. Pretty weird right? I stood outside the Rasputin Records on Telegraph in Berkeley, CA for over 2 hours to get an autograph from Mya. I’m cracking up writing this. She was dope though. I still remember her outfit. Atlanta Braves bucket hat, lime green tank top, jean skirt and Timbos. Yes Mam, now that was an outfit.

Why did this happen?

Starship Troopers Shower Scene– There really needed to be some extra special rating for this movie. Maybe like, “Don’t go see this with your Mom because there is a shower scene out of nowhere that will make you feel super uncomfortable.” As you can guess this is precisely what happened. I was fully immersed in the intergalactic bloodbath, rooting for Rico to avenge his smoldering hometown of Buenos Aires, (WTF?) when that skinny red head decided to challenge gender roles and show her tits in the shower. Oh man. I had seen boobs in Porky’s, and a pair of panties in Revenge of the Nerds, but I was not ready for exposed ginger nipple sitting next to my Mother.

Wants it so bad.

Kelly Kapowski– What a dreamboat. With her short shorts and those little white Keds, she would shuffle around the halls of Bayside High rousing the attention of students, teachers and Mr. Beldings alike. She wanted it bad. Who knows if Zach Morris ever got her? Part of me thinks Belding was involved in some scandalous aftercurriculars, but we may never know. Or will we? Quick side note: Mr. Belding hangs out at bars in the Sherman Oaks all the time. He is apparently very friendly and approachable, so if you are so inclined go ask him yourself. I’m certainly not going to the valley.

So bad.

Tia Carrere– I was sha-winging all over the place.

Jasmine– She’s so sexy when she’s mad.

Never thought she would have a career.

Kelly Bundy– The hot, trashy white. She was dumb, pretty and poor, and 8 year old Me was very intrigued. She was both dangerous and accessible and ultimately a great life lesson. This was the girl you date for a summer, but never bring home to mother.

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Google is Turning Idiots into Morons

6 Apr

0:05– Jeans with sandals. An immediate sign that this guy is an idiot.

0:22– Meeting with his friend Paul at a Bookstore. To do what? Read together? Lame.

0:27– Gross eating noise

0:42– Oh man, really? You’re upset about walking two blocks. Grow some quads and get over yourself.

0:55– “Sweet. Remind me to buy tickets to Monsieur Gayno tonight.” Who? Come on dude, you don’t know who that is. Sweet, remind me to shoot myself before I ever go to a Monsieur Gayno show.

1:11 – Of course you go straight to the ukulele section you hipster fuck. I swear to god if you play ukulele by the end of this video…I’ll buy tickets to a Monsieur Gayno show.

1:19– Paul is 402 ft. away. Holy shit that’s creepy. Are you hanging out or setting up a sniper shot?

1:23– Of course Paul is wearing an oversized neck scarf. It’s 58 degrees with a 10% chance of rain Paul, get over yourself.

1:24– “Hey dude!” That high five made me uncomfortable and slightly ashamed to be White.

1:33– Yea check into that fuckin truck. We all want to know.

1:39– Paul looks relieved to leave

1:48– Oh, you’ve come across a piece of graffiti. Don’t forget to instagram it you shit.

1:51– Please share it with your circles. I’m sure Paul, Jess and the rest of your stupid friends want to see a mediocre martini glass.

2:02– Holy shit Jess is fine! Why does she want to meet up with this dude?

2:12– Oh hell no! Is that a ukulele? Are we to believe this dude learned to play “Lovers Carvings” in three hours? Get off the screen.

2:18– “That’s beautiful.” No Jess, You are beautiful. This dude and the Google Glasses: Project Glass We Put Glasses With Fucking Internet on Your Face So You Don’t Ever Have to Be Without Internet is pure EVIL!!!! This is honestly one of the most sickening things I have seen in a while. I realize it is a company’s job to innovate, but give it a break! Do we as a society really think we need to be even more linked in than we already are? I really hope this is just a prototype and there end up being millions of problems with this product and it never sees the light of day, because if I even see one pair of these what I can only assume will be black frame internet glasses on the face of some smug, stubbly idiot reading a book on how to play the ukulele, I will destroy them. Word is bond.

Break yo'self for your Google Glasses

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5 Scenarios When It’s OK to Ask For Another Guy’s Number

5 Apr

Do I really need to preface this with a no homo? Fine, no homo, but it can be hard to move to a new place where you don’t have any friends, especially a core group of bros with whom you can rage, rip and reminisce with. It’s our duty as guys to pester and gently harass a girl until we get her number, but getting another guy’s number can be tricky, and what’s the point of getting a girl’s digits without your best bro there to rate her and give you a high five after? The following is a list of five scenarios in which it is appropriate to ask for another man’s phone number:

Hey Bro, Nice Outfit.

Basketball Buddy– After a few games you can start with a nice compliment like, “Sweet jumper bro,” or “Man, you’re a real beast down low.” You want to avoid chest bumps, butt slaps and complicated handshakes as the slightest miscalculation can lead to d touching. If the dude responds to your advances, then by all means let him know that you play every weekend, or want to start a Tuesday night league or would love to play some horse for money sometime. If he does not respond, he thinks you are a big joke and does not respect your game. This is fine, move on down the line to the dude with the next sweetest jump shot and try again. You’ll have enough for 5 on 5 in no time.

We refuse to go all in!

Poker Night– I guess people are still playing poker. I know I stopped in College after I lost $40, two good friends and a chance to sleep with a beautiful girl all in one brutally long night where everyone refused to go all in. Nevertheless, it still stands as a very manly activity and seems to be a legit way to gather the troops, drink brews, and talk shit about girls and sports. It is assumed that all men know how to play a little poker, so if an invitation to play is rejected it means the declining dude is either stingy or a pussy. Neither look is good for a potential friend.

Ha, ve are having so much fun killing Nazis!

Videogame Sesh– Entire weekends used to be spent as children setting proximity mines in a facility in GoldenEye and shroom boosting thru tricky chicanes in Mariokart. Although the games have changed, the murderous rage still boils deep within. Some guys will claim that they don’t enjoy videogames, and that might be the adult thing to say, but what the hell is wrong with them? I dare you to play Call of Duty and murder hundreds and hundreds of Nazis with rocket launchers and not crack a smile, or score three unanswered goals in FIFA ’12 to win in the 90th minute and watch your friend well up with tears. Videogames are a great way to share some laughs and develop a friendly rivalry.

I never wanted to do thisssssss!!

Cliff Jumping– Nothing like warm bud lights and the local meth head population cheering you on. “Fucking jump already!” You might be a Eunuch if a guy asks you to go cliff jumping, and you refuse. Despite my terrible Jeff Foxworthy impression, I’m kind of being serious. I don’t even like cliff jumping. Not even the idea appeals to me, but it has become the ultimate measuring stick for a guy’s schvienstieger. The higher the cliff the better. The sketchier the take off and the gnarlier the landing area, the sweeter of a bro you become. If you can bust a gainer, a hushed silence will fall over the quarry. Cliff jumping is one of the last bastions of pure peer pressure. There are so many reasons not to jump off a cliff, and yet when a dude invites you to hurl your body 60 feet into an icy cold pond with jagged rocks, you do it.

There is literally not a single girl here.

General Boozing and Hounddoggery– This is a risky invite and should always be prefaced with a clear intent to “holler at girls” or help out with your new home brewing kit. Just grabbing beers doesn’t quite cut it for a first time hangout. Even if there aren’t any girls in sight, you guys can still talk about what you would hypothetically do to a girl or say to them if they were there.

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New Stand-Up @ Sardos

19 Mar

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