Tag Archives: hipsters

4 Bad Things About Hipsters That Are Actually Good

13 Dec

I have spent a combined 3 years living in the Mission district and Silverlake. While my attire has certainly become more indie-band friendly, hipsters and me haven’t always seen eye to Italian frame with the lens popped out eye. I think they should eat more, and they want me to DJ rare vinyl at the such and such hut. I think they should learn how to play sports, they think I should learn graphic design. They like PBR and I…wait, I like PBR too. The stereotypes are endless, yet so is the amount of crossover. So who is the hipster, and what really makes them so bad? Maybe that damn Christmas spirit has got me all introspective and sympathetic, but I swear to God this is an unironic defense of the most shit on majority/minority of my generation.

1) Drink PBR– I don’t know if you guys heard, but we are all headed toward a fiscal cliff. A fiscal cliff! Our economy resembles Pacquiao after his latest fight and jobs are harder to come by than ever. Ask Alex Smith. Whoa! Now that’s some topical stuff. PBR is routinely the cheapest drink at any bar and surprisingly doesn’t taste like piss. All those flannel shirt assholes drinking PBR aren’t hipsters, they’re economists.hipster pbr

2) Riding Fixed Gear Bicycles– I hated on this once upon a time. “Look at those idiots rocking back and forth at the stoplight.” Then I got over the fact that the gears are fixed and realized they have impeccable balance. Think of all the money they save on gas that goes straight to their PBR fund. Not only are they thrifty, but also they are environmentally friendly. Bicycling is great exercise and lessons carbon footprints or whatever. Did your parents never teach you how to ride a bike? Do you hate Al Gore and Earth? Then shut up.hipster fixed gear

3) Fashion Sense– While I can’t endorse those super skinny jeans that are like vice grips for your junk, I generally respect and have even adopted various “hipster” stylings. Some people look like idiots, and if they do then it’s more than appropriate to make fun of them, but at least give them credit for being bold and progressive. I’ve met plenty of pretentious assholes in a button-up and jeans. While I do wish some girls wouldn’t dress like part-time archeologists, I applaud quirkiness in all its forms.

P.S. Please limit your archeologist outfits to twice a week. I think that’s fair.hipster fashion

4) Pseudo creativity- I don’t quite know how to address this issue. We’ve all heard shitty bands, been to stale art gallery openings and seen depressingly bad open mic comedy. The subjective nature of whether something is good or bad is always up for debate, but the creation of that art, in any form, is important and irrefutable. We lose so much of our creative juice as we age that we sometimes forget how the process works. It is necessary for all of us to engage in creative pursuits as often as we can to remind ourselves that we are still capable of great things. So just because you didn’t like “insert ridiculous indie band name here” last album, doesn’t mean they didn’t have the time of their life making it. Ok, I’ll put down the whiskey and stop getting so senti.

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Thoughts from an Indie Show

31 Oct

1,2 and ya don’t stop…literally.

Sound check– If you aren’t a famous headlining band; keep that shit to a minimum. I watched an unknown group of idiots say, “1, 2” into a microphone while gesturing to some shadowy hipster in the back for over 25 minutes. This is unacceptable. Do you know how much negative anticipation is built? How awesome you have to be to justify 25 minutes of nonsense with waning arch support in my hep shoes? Pretty damn awesome, and they fell short. I was gone after the first song.

I want to start a group called The Soundchecks where all we do is dress in skinnies and swooping v’s and check the levels on stage, never actually playing more than a few chords in no particular progression. Most in the audience will detest our existence, but one scruffy shitgoat with an influential blog will coin us the Andy Kaufmanns of the indie music scene making us the hottest shit in Echo Park for a month. We will all date cute, malnourished women with pale skin and ride our iconoclastic status until we are pressured to finally release an actual song, which will be terrible, and eventually our lack of musical talent will force the group to take a break and reassess the merits of law school.

Rumpy Chaplin

Weird Chicks– Unlike clubs, bars and parties where women generally choose clothes that accentuate parts of their body, women at concerts around these parts tend to look like… Fill in the whoride.

– Indiana Jone’s understudy
– Your 5th grade production of Shakespeare’s The Tempest
– Punky Brewster’s foreign cousin, Rumpy Mooster
– Someone who collects recycling for a living
– An evil sustainable farmer
– Charlie Chaplin in less modern clothes
– An extra from a yet to be released indie film, “We’re Fucking Cooler Than You.”

I’ve seen girls wearing shorts that give them wedgies. Some wear things called rompers, which make it look like they have pooped themselves. Other times they wear something on their arm that looks like an androgynous skeletor…oops, that’s your boyfriend? My bad.

How dare you small girl!

The Ambience – This is of course contingent on the venue, but if I don’t have arch support, a good amount of booze and an exit strategy you better believe there will be some low-key freaking out on my part. One of the worst feelings in life is to be trapped in a crowd where everyone is more fucked up than you. It is intolerable. Every shoulder bump, foot smash, small girl’s aggressive elbow to your back is an affront to your humanity. Even the cute little white Pocahontas’ with their feather headdresses and adorable prancing get on your nerves. Call me square or close-minded, but I can’t just will myself to dance if I have no connection to the music or group. People who freely gangle about to any sequence of chords frighten me. All I ask for is beer under 7 bucks, a few attractive girls who aren’t completely fried and a bus route nearby if case The Soundchecks go on too long.

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Google is Turning Idiots into Morons

6 Apr

0:05– Jeans with sandals. An immediate sign that this guy is an idiot.

0:22– Meeting with his friend Paul at a Bookstore. To do what? Read together? Lame.

0:27– Gross eating noise

0:42– Oh man, really? You’re upset about walking two blocks. Grow some quads and get over yourself.

0:55– “Sweet. Remind me to buy tickets to Monsieur Gayno tonight.” Who? Come on dude, you don’t know who that is. Sweet, remind me to shoot myself before I ever go to a Monsieur Gayno show.

1:11 – Of course you go straight to the ukulele section you hipster fuck. I swear to god if you play ukulele by the end of this video…I’ll buy tickets to a Monsieur Gayno show.

1:19– Paul is 402 ft. away. Holy shit that’s creepy. Are you hanging out or setting up a sniper shot?

1:23– Of course Paul is wearing an oversized neck scarf. It’s 58 degrees with a 10% chance of rain Paul, get over yourself.

1:24– “Hey dude!” That high five made me uncomfortable and slightly ashamed to be White.

1:33– Yea check into that fuckin truck. We all want to know.

1:39– Paul looks relieved to leave

1:48– Oh, you’ve come across a piece of graffiti. Don’t forget to instagram it you shit.

1:51– Please share it with your circles. I’m sure Paul, Jess and the rest of your stupid friends want to see a mediocre martini glass.

2:02– Holy shit Jess is fine! Why does she want to meet up with this dude?

2:12– Oh hell no! Is that a ukulele? Are we to believe this dude learned to play “Lovers Carvings” in three hours? Get off the screen.

2:18– “That’s beautiful.” No Jess, You are beautiful. This dude and the Google Glasses: Project Glass We Put Glasses With Fucking Internet on Your Face So You Don’t Ever Have to Be Without Internet is pure EVIL!!!! This is honestly one of the most sickening things I have seen in a while. I realize it is a company’s job to innovate, but give it a break! Do we as a society really think we need to be even more linked in than we already are? I really hope this is just a prototype and there end up being millions of problems with this product and it never sees the light of day, because if I even see one pair of these what I can only assume will be black frame internet glasses on the face of some smug, stubbly idiot reading a book on how to play the ukulele, I will destroy them. Word is bond.

Break yo'self for your Google Glasses

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