Double Negatives

5 Feb

In English grammar, two negatives make a positive. Fortunately, we all know grammar is stupid and that here in real life two negatives just mean two bad things. Here are five double negatives that never aren’t fun…I mean that suck.

Why hello scary lady.

Why hello scary lady.

1. Blue Eye Shadow AND Only Has Guy Friends

This is a frightening combination that usually indicates advanced stages of crazy. While seemingly harmless, blue eye shadow turns a perfectly cute treat into a maniacal nightmare. If you aren’t in Cirque de soleil, auditioning for Requiem for a Dream 2: Ass 2 Ass Again, or contemplating joining the Blue Woman group but are scared to go full blue, then please stop. Also, if a girl you are interested in only has guy friends, you will drive yourself crazy thinking about why that is the case. Classic conversation:
“ Mike and I had so much fun at the museum yesterday.”
“ Who’s Mike?”
“ I’ve told you about Mike. He’s my friend.”
“ You know Mike wants to fuck you right? He wants to fuck you in that museum.”
“No…we’re just friends.”
“Stoops.”

Brutes

Brutes

2. Waking Up Hung Over AND Brita Is Empty

The severity of this predicament depends on the dryness of your mouth, thumpiness of your head, and foulness of your breath, but an empty Brita can ruin your already shitty day. There isn’t a time you appreciate water more as life source than when you wake up after drinking heavily and tasting whatever taco truck hot mess you put in your mouth the night before.

Wrap it up!

Wrap it up!

3. Poorly Wrapped Burrito AND No Sour Cream


One of the most overlooked keys to a quality burrito. I can’t tell you how many times (7 times) I’ve taken a few bites of a potentially tasty burrito, only to have it bottom out or spring a leak. What am I to do now Burrito man!? Huh? Just soak myself in carnitas juice while children laugh and point?! Like a drunken white guy once said in a terribly racist accent, “No es burrito sin crema.” SO true brah.

Tough decisions

Tough decisions

4. Having to Take a Poop at a Bar AND Bathroom is Super Foul

Having to poop at a bar is one of the most uncomfortable feelings one can have. You get flush, wonder if you can muster the focus and abdominal strength to cork it or if it’s too little too late. Then, if you choose to make the bold move, you are at the mercy of bar bathroom maintenance, which can range from sticky floor, no lock on door and no toilet paper to no door at all and questionable substance on toilet seat. Do you hover above trying not to let your pants hit the gross floor, while at the same time being mindful of distance from toilet water to avoid splash back? (A.K.A. The unintentional bidet).

Sweet tote girl.

Sweet tote girl.

5. Shopping at Trader Joe’s AND No Attractive Girls Are Shopping

Grocery shopping is a hassle everywhere, but there is an added element of chaos at TJ’s with the swarm of workers rolling around dollies, re-stocking goods and flying about with reckless abandon. Aisles can be tight, Jalapeno cheddar sticks can be out of stock and tote bags can be forgotten. It’s in these TJ moments I try to remain calm and distract myself by observing the shopping habits of cute hipsters. I find it therapeutic. If there aren’t any cute girls shopping, however, I quickly become stressed out and slightly depressed and usually hang out by the free samples until my confidence returns.

One Response to “Double Negatives”

  1. Zainab Khawaja May 14, 2013 at 4:35 am #

    Absolutely hilarious! Loved #5. My RSS feed just got a whole lot better. Thanks for the chuckles!

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