Tag Archives: women

Songs That List Names of Girls

25 Nov

Music industry executives are constantly under pressure to find the next big thing. There are certain formulas that work better than others. One of the most under utilized hit making strategy is the song with a bunch of girl names. It’s a tried and true staple of our sonic landscape and one that never fails to entertain. I would be an excellent record executive. I would tell all my artists regardless of genre to create a catchy melody and then just sing the names of every girl they ever knew. It would be the best selling record of all time, until my next artist who did the same thing would top it. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself.

Petey Pablo – Freek a Leek

How you like it daddy? Daddy loves it. Daddy loves it so much that daddy stumbled across how many times he listened to it on iTunes and let’s just say it’s over 100. Shameika, Keisha, Tara…Shonda, Sabrina, Crystal, Daronda…I could go on, and apparently so can Petey Pablo. This song has two pretty amazing verses as well, which describe Petey’s various sexual proclivities. Sorry ladies, he’s not going to perform cunnilingus because he ain’t drunk enough to do that. I would be just as satisfied though if he cut these verses and made a 3 minute song that was just names of various girls he’s fucked. I would also encourage him to explore other ethnicities and names. Maybe each verse becomes a freek a liciously geographical linguistic adventure. Get at me Pete.

DMX – What These Bitches Want

This song is very typical DMX until around the 1:30 mark when he unleashes the most impressive list of women’s names we find out later, “were all treated fairly, but yet and still…bitches on some other shit now that he’s fuckin with Dru Hill.” This list is far more comprehensive than Petey Pablo’s. There are more women and seemingly of different ethnic backgrounds making it at times difficult to believe. Diane?! Come on dog, we all know you didn’t get with a Diane. Pesky Sabrina also makes the list again. She seems to be a busy and ambitious lady and I applaud her for that. DMX also incorporates his trademark collection of adlibs, barks, growls, whats and whooos, which really add to the confusion and excitement. All in all this seems to be an introspective analysis of why DMX’s relationships have failed rather than a braggadocios horn toot of how fame can get you lots of pussy.

Lou Bega- Mambo Number 5

While this song is generally regarded as the corniest shit ever, you can’t deny how popular it was and still is in many respects. I know I was tearing up Bar mitzvah linoleum every weekend in my khakis and blazer to this, and you know why? Everyone needs a little, [insert girl name] in his or her life. How many times do I have to tell these clowns at Capitol and Universal? If Lou Bega can make a hit, then logic would have it that any motherfucker with a voice box who has ever met a girl can make a hit too! I hope he fired his manager because the first and only thing I would have done after releasing Mambo Number 5 is to make Mambo Number 6. R Kelly has hundreds of episodes of “Trapped in the Closet,” Fast and Furious is going to be our first never ending movie franchise, why wasn’t there a Mambo Number 6? Or do it Star Wars style and tease your audience with some prequels. What ever happened to Mambo’s 1-4. I smell a web series.

6 Ways to Her Heart

4 Jun

Disclaimer: I’ve never made my way to a girl’s heart

feederFood- There is a fine line between a foodie and feeder. You don’t need to have some twisted sexual fetish involving obese women or have to know why the chef at Alummete chose to open his own food truck after 10 years, but take some interest in food. Take her out to try new restaurants, or if you’re poor, learn how to cook something besides pasta with sauce. Girls love to eat, but don’t ever want to feel gluttonous. Go ahead and be a fatty with them once and a while. Now that’s a recipe for her heart!

bad in bedSex- Don’t be terrible. You don’t have to be Ray J from the Kim K sex tapes, but generally speaking just have confidence. No jack hammering, no incessant questioning, “Do you like this?” and always keep her pleasure in mind. Here is a simple rubric.

Man cums first + Goes to Bed= Bad/Girl Talks lots of Shit
Man cums first + Works hard to make girl cum = OK-Good
Woman cums first + Man Does Not = Never Happened/Hearsay
Woman cums first + Man cums After = Great
Woman + Man Cum @ same time = Twinsies!

smileSmile- Girls love this shit. A nice smile is better than any pick up line out there. Don’t have a creepy smile. Smile in the mirror to make sure you aren’t a creep or have too much aggressive glint in your eyes. Smile! Unless you are a brooding musician who hides his pain well, Smile! ☺

grammar naziGrammar– Apparently all women are TEFL certified and sticklers for proper usage. They will abbrieve and emogi all day long, but god help you if you don’t know the difference between its and it’s or there, their, and they’re. I bet you didn’t know apostrophes were deal breakers, well they are. If you are confused, head down to your local community college and enroll in Grammar 101, and you will be capturing there hearts….they’re hearts? Ther….fuck.

carmen sdTravel– Who’s the hottest woman with a passport you know? Nope, not your Mom, it’s Carmen San Diego. Women love the idea and fantasy of travel. You don’t have to drop 2 g’s on a trip to Paris, but head at least 2 hours out of town and you’ll be eat, pray, loving all night long!

2012 WNBA Draft Recap!

18 Apr

Welcome to your life of obscurity!

Yes, it’s that time of year again. The time when I break out a sixer of Sutter Home, spark that new Hawaiian Winds candle I bought from the farmer’s market and turn on ESPN2 for one of my favorite events of the year. Sure, my friends give me a hard time and call me hurtful things like “WNBA fan” and “Unemployed,” but they don’t see the beauty in the women’s game like I do.(admittedly it can be hard to see the beauty sometimes with players like this) I will take nuanced subtlety over ornate extravagance any day. A thunderous jam from Lebron excites me, but a crisp pass from Sue Bird takes me out, asks me how my day was and then offers to split the bill, and in the end isn’t that more fulfilling? So I figured the best way to show my love for the game would be to share my thoughts in the form of live updates during the draft. Hopefully by the end you have a new found appreciation for this lovely forgotten game.

9:33 PM Mon: Sutter Home must have added more alcohol because I slept thru the first 9 picks.

9:45 PM Mon: My roommate burns something cooking, smoke alarm goes off and we are forced outside for 10 minutes.

9:57 PM Mon: Sutter Home has made me hungry, I regretfully eat burnt roommate food.

10:04 PM Mon: Log onto Reddit and look at funny cat memes.

10:44 PM Mon: Good lord, I did that for longer than I intended. Yup, the draft is still on. Let’s check in.

10:52 PM Mon: Minnesota takes Jackie Gemelos in the 3rd round. Strong pick I think. Also, fun fact: Gemelos means twins in Spanish.

10:57 PM Mon: Questionable burnt Gyoza has made its way through my defenses and it’s danger time.

11:22 PM Mon: Man this is a long draft, I didn’t know this many girls knew how to play basketball.

11:31 PM Mon: With the last pick in the draft, New York takes Katelan Redmon. Sure that sounds alright. She looks athletic enough but I still think I could beat her one on one.

11:45 PM Mon: Get the idea to fake my way into the WNBA to make money. Watch Juwanna Mann for inspiration.

Well that about wraps up this edition of the WNBA draft. I saw two picks and I’m really, pretty confident they will do kinda alright and enjoy their life of knee injuries and obscurity. I promise to be back next year with more complete coverage, it’s just hard sometimes you know?