Very Serious Barista

Disclaimer: I’ve never made my way to a girl’s heart

Food- There is a fine line between a foodie and feeder. You don’t need to have some twisted sexual fetish involving obese women or have to know why the chef at Alummete chose to open his own food truck after 10 years, but take some interest in food. Take her out to try new restaurants, or if you’re poor, learn how to cook something besides pasta with sauce. Girls love to eat, but don’t ever want to feel gluttonous. Go ahead and be a fatty with them once and a while. Now that’s a recipe for her heart!

Sex- Don’t be terrible. You don’t have to be Ray J from the Kim K sex tapes, but generally speaking just have confidence. No jack hammering, no incessant questioning, “Do you like this?” and always keep her pleasure in mind. Here is a simple rubric.

Man cums first + Goes to Bed= Bad/Girl Talks lots of Shit
Man cums first + Works hard to make girl cum = OK-Good
Woman cums first + Man Does Not = Never Happened/Hearsay
Woman cums first + Man cums After = Great
Woman + Man Cum @ same time = Twinsies!

Smile- Girls love this shit. A nice smile is better than any pick up line out there. Don’t have a creepy smile. Smile in the mirror to make sure you aren’t a creep or have too much aggressive glint in your eyes. Smile! Unless you are a brooding musician who hides his pain well, Smile! ☺

Grammar– Apparently all women are TEFL certified and sticklers for proper usage. They will abbrieve and emogi all day long, but god help you if you don’t know the difference between its and it’s or there, their, and they’re. I bet you didn’t know apostrophes were deal breakers, well they are. If you are confused, head down to your local community college and enroll in Grammar 101, and you will be capturing there hearts….they’re hearts? Ther….fuck.

Travel– Who’s the hottest woman with a passport you know? Nope, not your Mom, it’s Carmen San Diego. Women love the idea and fantasy of travel. You don’t have to drop 2 g’s on a trip to Paris, but head at least 2 hours out of town and you’ll be eat, pray, loving all night long!

Tags: dating, food, love, marriage, online dating, relationships, sex, travel, women