Man tatums.
– I’ve always wanted to live where “Gettin’ Jiggy with it” was filmed and visit the shooting locations.
– I speak pretty alright Spanish which could help smooth over potential disputes with Cuban coke lords, or help holler at attractive Latinas who prefer blonde hair blue eyed devils to obese black rappers.
– I would add diversity to the crew. (Possible tax write off? I’m not sure. I don’t think that makes much sense actually)
– I want to be around girls with huge asses all the time
– I have a clean record. Think of all the cases I could catch for you. Speeding in your Aston Martin? No problem, lets switch seats, I got this one big guy. Assault and battery? Forget about it. Throw some brass knuckles on me and point the finger. Drug charges?! No fuckin problem!!! Dump cocaine on my face. My rap sheet is yours to fill, but I will only do this for you if I am well taken care of in prison. You know what that means. No butt play is what I’m getting at Rick.
– I used to freestyle battle in High School. I once rhymed dental plan with mental spam. I thought that was pretty cool. I could clearly provide light amusement and “Look at the White guy trying to do Black things” moments for you and your boys.
– I like Aston Martins and if I had money to blow fast, like if you gave me some kind of weekly allowance or per diem, I would surely blow it so fast.
– I took a NOLS Wilderness First Aid Responder course one summer. If you have any more health issues like that congenital heart failure episode on your private jet, I could…well I would be severely undertrained and ill prepared to help in that situation. Legally speaking, I shouldn’t even touch you if you were in cardiac arrest. If you cut yourself eating crab or something though, I would give you so many band-aids and words of encouragement.
– My Mom knows a speech therapist. If you ever wanted to not sound like evil Kermit the Frog on a whiskey bender she could hook up a discount. I mean its cool now, but when your rapping days are over it will just be creepy.
– We all know Miami breeds an unbearable sticky, humid heat. I can only imagine the amount of sweat that accrues under your belly and man tates. If you like I can scrub you down when you overheat and your XXXXL’s stick to your back……KIDDING Ricky! I have a sense of humor. I’m not like that, but seriously, how do you survive in Miami with all those rolls?
Well there you have it. Call it my plea, resume, wishful thinking or dementia. I would make an excellent member of your entourage and I await your call. Boss! Also this video inspired me to apply for the position.
Very Serious Barista 
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