5 Unconventional Hollers at Bars

18 Jul

Sometimes you walk into a bar and feel like Bradley Pitt. I assume he would do well at a bar. Other nights you just don’t have your mojo. You feel paralyzed by exhaustion, fear, poor wardrobe choices, sobriety and ESPN highlights. The mere thought of striking up a conversation with a female makes you want to go home and re-watch season 1 of Game of Thrones. (Let’s be honest, Season 2 was a little brutes until the last three episodes) Wahh! I don’t have a clever opener. Wahh! I’m ugly and overweight. Wahh! I’m a baby, who let me into this bar? No more excuses boys. Here are 5 unique ways to holler at girls that set you apart from the pack.

This person wins.

1. Challenge Her to a Drawing Contest– Most women like art; consider themselves artistic or think they know what art is. This approach shows confidence and a competitive nature. It’s an added bonus if you can actually draw, but if you are like me and got a C- in Visual Arts in High School, then simply use your time together drawing as an excuse to display other appealing traits if you have them.

Potential Flaws: If you are not a good artist AND don’t have any redeeming character traits please don’t use this approach as you will likely come off as creepy. Nobody wants to silently draw a unicorn in a packed bar and be passively critiqued by a weirdo.

The girl is stoops.

She is an awesome artist and judges your silly shitscribblings and decides she doesn’t find you attractive.

She’s such an awful artist that you think for a minute she in incapable of producing anything beautiful and you flash-forward to what your kids might look like and excuse yourself to the bathroom to yak.

Look how happy she is.

2. Send Her Something Other than a Drink– Oh, you sent her over a vodka martini with extra olives, what a cool guy you are. That shows no creativity or effort. You didn’t make the drink; you just watched too many Bond movies and have access to legal tender. All that shows is you have money. (As I get older I realize how important this is to girls….BUT that’s beside the point for now) I suggest sending over a mini-cupcake, or a full sized one depending on the largess of the lady. Other items that work include a Hershey’s kiss, mix tape, left over pad thai…OK you get it though.

Potential flaws: If the girl is insecure about her weight and thinks you are trying to make a statement by sending her a mini-cupcake. She hates getting gifts ever since her father left the family and ran off with the house cleaner Guadalupe on Christmas morning. I think the odds are in your favor for this one.

So preeeettty.

3. Glow sticks– Props to my roommate for exploiting this gem. You don’t have to be a raver to enjoy bright chemicals in plastic casing. Head down to the nearest 99-cent store and buy a handful. Humans are naturally attracted to light and everyone loves colors unless you’re a racist. It only makes sense that the harbinger of colorful lights would become an attractive and sought after figure. Approach the drunkest looking gaggle of geese and wait for them to ask why you brought glow sticks. “Cause I came to fucking rage!!!!” Then you throw glow sticks everywhere. Bawwwsssss.

Potential Flaws: Girl overdosed at a Deadmau5 show. She is a racist environmental prude and doesn’t like plastic or colors.

This is pushing the mental patient line.

4. Get a Weird Haircut and Pretend You’re Australian- Yes, this is super specific, but it works. It is important that you are either from Australia, Wales or New Zealand. There are too many examples of British accents so it’s harder to fake a good one. Irish and Scottish are too hard and ridiculous sounding to pull off. Take a few YouTube accent lessons, head down to Supercuts and get wacky. Rattails, scoops, faux hawk, low hawk, no hawk, initials in the side of your head are all acceptable choices. Girls want fantasy and fairy tale. There is nothing better than happening upon a strange “foreigner” in a dimly lit pub. Keep your talking to a minimum and you’ll also get good listener points.

Potential Flaws: If your accent breaks too much. If the girl is from that country. If your haircut is too weird and makes you look like a mental patient.

I love you babe!

5. Drink a Bunch– Yup, as we get older it becomes more socially uncouth to get rip roaring at a bar and make a fool of yourself. Don’t be scared to take it back to Freshmen Year you from time to time. Chances are someone will be on your level. She may not be “the one” but she is certainly someone. You may not even know or remember what you are saying, but trust me, you will be hollering at anything that will listen. Fats, taco truck ladies, bums, signposts, and pretty much whatever is in your path. You will be like a horny and loud tornado.

Potential Flaws: A lot of shit.

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