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Tag Archives: entertainment
Topanga– What can I say about this wild haired lass? Is she White? Armenian? Or some exotic mix of unbridled passion and scornful lust. Whatever she is she made sitting thru Corey Matthews bullshit far more tolerable. The best thing about her is she has no point of reference. Mr. Pheeny is the principal and neighbor. Sean is the best friend who lives in a trailer park, and to my knowledge Topanga is some incredibly attractive orphan girl who shows up in episodes periodically to remind me I’m a red blooded American boy.
Dion– I never thought I would admit this, but D from Clueless makes me wish I were Donald Faison for those 2 hours, pubic stash, gap tooth and all. She was beyond dope. She looked ridiculous at that High School, mainly because she was Black in Beverly Hills, but also because she was 100 times doper than any other student. I didn’t fall for Alicia Silverstones’ whiny voice or dumpy frame, and I certainly wasn’t enticed by weirdo turned entitled bitch Brittany Murphy. When D came out rocking that bikini in the pool scene, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom for some alone time…to poop guys. I ate too many Reese’s Cups and was nervous because it was my first sleepover. Also Stacey Dash was super hot.
Tia from Sister Sister– Yes, one twin was finer than the other, and everyone knew it. I can’t imagine growing up the less attractive twin in front of a public audience, albeit a small, afternoon UPN public audience. It must have been excruciating, but I couldn’t help see Tamera as anything but a goofy study buddy, whereas Tia exuded sex and sophistication.
Yellow Ranger– In a 1992 interview with Esquire, Fox executive Don Holcomb said, “The Yellow Ranger suit was literally the last color we had, and Trini Kwan was the last actor we hired for the show. Swear to God bro.” This is a fake quote and what Fox did is insensitive, but if we can look past the suit, we find a beautiful Vietnamese orchid who kicked and hi-ya’d her way to my heart. She also had an incredibly strange and tragic life before and after her stint with the Rangers. Check it out.
Mya– Her only song I know of is “Ghetto Superstar” and that was enough. She is the only person I’ve waited in line to get an autograph from. Pretty weird right? I stood outside the Rasputin Records on Telegraph in Berkeley, CA for over 2 hours to get an autograph from Mya. I’m cracking up writing this. She was dope though. I still remember her outfit. Atlanta Braves bucket hat, lime green tank top, jean skirt and Timbos. Yes Mam, now that was an outfit.
Starship Troopers Shower Scene– There really needed to be some extra special rating for this movie. Maybe like, “Don’t go see this with your Mom because there is a shower scene out of nowhere that will make you feel super uncomfortable.” As you can guess this is precisely what happened. I was fully immersed in the intergalactic bloodbath, rooting for Rico to avenge his smoldering hometown of Buenos Aires, (WTF?) when that skinny red head decided to challenge gender roles and show her tits in the shower. Oh man. I had seen boobs in Porky’s, and a pair of panties in Revenge of the Nerds, but I was not ready for exposed ginger nipple sitting next to my Mother.
Kelly Kapowski– What a dreamboat. With her short shorts and those little white Keds, she would shuffle around the halls of Bayside High rousing the attention of students, teachers and Mr. Beldings alike. She wanted it bad. Who knows if Zach Morris ever got her? Part of me thinks Belding was involved in some scandalous aftercurriculars, but we may never know. Or will we? Quick side note: Mr. Belding hangs out at bars in the Sherman Oaks all the time. He is apparently very friendly and approachable, so if you are so inclined go ask him yourself. I’m certainly not going to the valley.
Tia Carrere– I was sha-winging all over the place.
Kelly Bundy– The hot, trashy white. She was dumb, pretty and poor, and 8 year old Me was very intrigued. She was both dangerous and accessible and ultimately a great life lesson. This was the girl you date for a summer, but never bring home to mother.
Boyhood Boners
14 May
Orphan Hot!
Before Lil Wayne made a song…
So easy to tell.
Not racist…right?
Yup.
Why did this happen?
Wants it so bad.
So bad.
Jasmine– She’s so sexy when she’s mad.
Never thought she would have a career.
Why Hologram Tupac Freaked Me Out
17 Apr
I love Tupac. I loved him when he was a murderous lunactic in Juice. I loved him when he lived in Marin County (very affluent region of the Bay Area) and still repped Thug Life. I loved him when he refused Janet Jackson’s request for an AIDS test during Poetic Justice. I loved him as a dancer for Digital Underground and I especially loved Tupac when he was shouting that he fucked Biggie’s Bitch in “Hit em Up.” Hologram Tupac? Not so much.
Hologram Pac really freaked me out. As is the case with most technological advances these days, there is a 25% Wow that is so cool how did they do that factor, and a 75% Orwellian, crap my pants want to punch a Software Engineer in their face creepy factor. I reacted the same way when Google recently announced their Glasses Project. “Wow this is so cool…wait….wait no, this is getting creepy…I’m uncomfortable now…and we’re turning it off.” I think a lot of my discomfort came from the fact that Snoop was on stage performing with the hologram.
Despite Hologram Pac rocking Tims and baggy pants (Come on Hologram wardrobe guys, It’s 2012, I think we all wanted to see Pac in skinny jeans and a deep V by now) I was leaning toward the 25%, this is cool factor during his first song when he was solo. Then Snoop slinked on for “2 of Amerika’s Most Wanted” and things got uncomfortable. Snoop meandered thru the duet fine enough, but what the hell was going through his head during that time? Snoop and Pac were very good friends by all accounts, so to have his buddy resurrected in eerily accurate 3-D next to him must have been a real mind fuck.
If I was walking around my neighborhood and a hologram of my dead Labrador Harley appeared next to me, sniffing flowers and pooping everywhere I would freak out and be super uncomfortable. I would curse whichever demon of the underworld brought this spitting image of my old friend back to my side. I certainly wouldn’t be like, “Ahh yeaaaaa Harley’s back! Let’s show ‘em how we do it on the West coast nephew!” I would be angry. I would tear up, and I certainly would have never consented to a hologram version of my dog if someone asked me. Maybe Snoop didn’t have a choice in the matter but I can’t imagine he thoroughly enjoyed the experience, and neither did I.
The rest of the performance I was left to ponder the future of Hip Hop and holograms. First of all, if I was hammered at Coachella and a crazy ass hologram of Tupac appeared on stage, I would have gone NUTS. Now maybe there wasn’t good sound pick up on the video, but the crowd reaction seemed subdued for the most part, which leads me to believe that there is an increasing number of Hip Hop listeners that don’t know Tupac and his music. This makes me sick. I don’t think Hip Hop is dead, and I’m not some curmudgeon of the oldish school that dismisses everything new that comes out just because it has the word “swag” in it, but when Pac is rapping, hologram or not you go NUTS.
We’ve all heard about phoning in performances, but what about hologramming it in? What is to stop artists in the future from recording their sets in some studio or production house and then projecting those performances on stages to audiences around the world? It’s essentially like lip-synching, but with awesome graphics and effects. Would fans pay to see a hologram version of their favorite rapper? A couple more heart attacks and Rick Ross might have to seriously consider this option. I know I wouldn’t pay, but a younger generation might.
My last thought during the show lead me down a dark and twisted path. When this hologram technology becomes available in some app for the Iphone 7, I will use it to play a glorious prank on my roommate. Imagine being fast asleep, snug as a bug under your blankies dreaming the sweetest of dreams. All of a sudden, you are awoken to a hologram of Hitler above your bed addressing a beerhouse full of angry Germans. Oh the possibilities are creepy and endless.
6 Hip Hop Lines People Let Slide
10 Apr
Notorious B.I.G. “Me and My Bitch”
“When I met ya I admit my first thoughts was to trick, you look so good huh, I suck on your daddy’s dick.”
Well that’s pretty foul. This is what you lead your verse with? How did Puffy and Junior Mafia not stop you from saying this? I had a friend say he thought Chandler from Friends was cute in 1999 and we haven’t let it go since. Even if I were the janitor at the studio where that song was recorded and knew I would lose my job by telling Biggy what I thought of the line, I would still say something to Biggy about that line! How did this happen? Truly baffling.
Layzie Bone “1st of Da Month”
“Wakin’ up feelin’ buzzed off up early mornin’ stretchin’ I’m yawnin’ lightweight bent chugga lugga take a fifth to the dome.”
Come on Layzie Bone. I refuse to believe you wake up and immediately consume a fifth of alcohol. That’s gross and I’m pretty sure you would black out. There would be no rest of the day to smoke blunts and hang out with the other bones. You would have serious alcohol poisoning. You would spend the first, second and most likely third of da month getting your stomach pumped and paying hospital bills.
Dr. Dre “Still Dre”
“Hit my boys off with jobs, no more living hard barbeques every day driving fancy cars.”
While Dre paints us a utopian scene of shirked duties and splendor, he overlooks the fact that having a BBQ every day would be exhausting and most likely impossible. Everyday Dre? Are you talking about just grilling your food, or actually inviting guests over? I couldn’t imagine constantly checking in with people to see if they are coming to your BBQ and also just being prepared and ready at all times to barbeque. I think by the 4th consecutive day of barbequing Dre’s boys would stop coming over and might even look for a job. I just picture this nightmarish scenario in which Dre’s homies are forced to eat his BBQ for eternity, and if they don’t they lose their fancy cars.
Mystikal “Move Bitch”
“Hit the stage and knock the curtains down, I fuck the crowd up-that’s what I do.”
What a horrible man. Mystikal is telling us that every time he performs he tears down the curtains and fucks the crowd up? Good lord that sounds awful. How does he keep getting gigs? When I listen to this song I imagine an angry Mystikal picking out some unsuspecting fan, leaping into the crowd and pummeling them until they cry, but hey, that’s just what he do.
Nas “Halftime”
“Versatile, my style switches like a faggot, but not bi-sexual, I’m an intellectual.”
This is one of those lines that make you stop listening to the rest of the song and try to figure out what the hell Nas is talking about. First off, Nas isn’t versatile. He is an incredible rapper, but sticks to his gritty Queens street storyteller style for the most part. Then he insinuates that homosexuals switch somehow. Is heterosexual the default setting? I know there was a lot of homophobia in rap in the 90’s, but damn come on Nas, it doesn’t work like that, you’re a smart guy. In fact, he is an intellectual, NOT a bi-sexual. It’s almost as if he realizes his faux-pas mid line, but instead of re-writing it, uses what can only be described as the earliest form of a “no homo” by explaining he is NOT bi-sexual, which everyone knows is sexually the furthest removed you can get from being gay. We got it Nas.
Big Tymers “#1 Stunna”
“[Baby] James Bond, Jackie Chan and that bitch MacGyver. [Wayne] Private planes, Jaguars, Bentleys and Prowlers.”
I laugh really hard every time I hear this hook. What do the Big Tymers have against MacGyver? He is # 1 stunna’ish enough to make it into the trifecta with Bond and Chan, but something about MacGyver makes him a huge bitch in their eyes. I’m guessing mullet and jean jacket pant combo. If I could ask God one question it would be why does Baby from Big Tymers think MacGyver is a bitch. I really want to know. Badly. Honorable mention grossness goes to Weezy for boasting about Jaguars and Plymouth Prowlers. Oh late 90’s rap.
Very Serious Barista 