This weekend I will head to Las Vegas carrying a 1-2 record against the city. My losses are mostly due to sunburns, lost money and an underwhelming buffet. My one win was hard fought and revolved around investing in stronger SPF and not playing roulette. Despite movies like the Hangover and highly embellished stories from your raver friends, Vegas isn’t all that wild and unpredictable. In fact, if I could bet on what would happen during my fourth encounter in Vegas, I would be a rich man. The following are my predictions for this weekend. On Monday I will post the actual results of the unhealthy adventure and we will all see how smart and conceited I am.
8:37 PM Friday: Arrive at Treasure Island slightly buzzed with pit stains developing.
8:59 PM Friday: Change into my sexy shirt, head down to Casino and immediately lose $75 @ Craps table.
10:45 PM Friday: Guy in Affliction T-Shirt asks me “What the fuck I’m staring at!”
12:25 AM Saturday: Make out with questionable looking drunk girl.
1:40 AM Saturday: Next “Too Close” is on. Dance in a weird circle with my friends, pit stains appear on my sexy shirt.
3:17 AM Saturday: Make a terrible order @ Denny’s
4:10 AM Saturday: Win $15 dollars in Craps; think I know how to win at Craps.
4:25 AM Saturday: Lose $110 at Craps. Definitely don’t know how to win at Craps.
5:45 AM Saturday: Painful rest.
9:45 AM Saturday: Awoken by friends who convince me to bet actual money on a three team parlay involving the Blue Jays, Coyotes and Royals.
10:30 AM Saturday: Watch first two innings of a Royals game, want to cry and throw up, can’t decide which yet.
11:18 AM Saturday: Go to pool, apply sunscreen, look like a geisha girl, listen to LMFAO.
11:45 AM Saturday: LMFAO is still on, how is this possible?
1:54 PM Saturday: Put $10 on black in Roulette, win. Feel like a fucking king. Buy Pastrami sandwich with my earnings.
4:27 PM Saturday: Buy expensive Aloe Vera, receive word the Blue Jays have lost and drive home sun burnt.
Very Serious Barista 