Tag Archives: comedy

The 7 First Dates

17 Jul

first dateMuch like there are only 7 plots to a story, there are only 7 first dates you can go on. I wish it wasn’t true, but the cold, hard and damp facts are that we don’t usually care enough about someone on a first date to really impress them so we recycle these tired outings out of convenience and lethargy. I have had the exhaustive pleasure of sampling these ideas and I’m here to tell you the pros and cons of the unimaginative, lazy man’s first date. Feel free to stray from the norm, but lets be honest, you’re the norm.

Coffee- A.KA. Who can cork their doo-doo longer?

Pros: Cheap. Can lead to something else after. You get a good idea of what the person looks like in the daytime and how well they converse. It’s an easy out for both parties if things aren’t going well.

Cons: It’s daytime, so if you’re gunning for a hit and run, you’re bummed. Do you like chatting? Good! Cause you’re going to chat your face off! You’ll learn more about this girl’s cat, parent’s divorce, why she prefers Bradley Coops to The Gosling and other super interesting tid bits that you never really wanted to know.

Grab a Drink- A.K.A. I’d bone you and never call A.K.A. I’m going to need help to get thru this.

Pros: Forget concealer, foundation, rouge, eyeliner and lipstick. All both of us need is a little dim lighting. If dim lighting could be packaged and sold I would be super rich. Watch out Sephora! If dim lighting had a bestie, it would be alcohol. These two buds work some pretty awesome magic. Also, there is more of a chance to use the line, “Do you want to get out of here?” which we all know is douche shiek.

Cons: Sometimes alcohol overpowers lighting and your drunk personality is far grosser than slight pudge or crooked teeth. It’s usually loud and difficult to talk, so if you like to scream at a face, you’re in the clear. Drinks can be pricey, especially if you’re a stand up guy and foot the bill.

Hiking – A.K.A. I want to see you in Yoga pants

Pros: Both can display athleticism and coordination. Exercise releases endorphins, which makes one prone to bone. Wilderness lends itself to intimate chats. LULU LEMONS!!!!!

Cons: Watching girls do sports related activities can sometimes be brutal. Lots of huffing, puffing and back sweat. Too tired to do anything after.

Bowling, Pool, Mini Golf- A.K.A If you suck at these AND aren’t cute about it its over.

Pros: Brings out competitive nature in both. You get an opportunity to see if she can talk some shit and take it. There are classic opportunities to “teach” her how to bowl, putt, and hold the cue, which is really just an excuse to get handsy.

Cons: If the girl beats you it’s pretty depressing. Like you can try to play it off and act like you don’t care, but if you have any pride it will most likely haunt you for some time and effect your self-confidence. Conversely, if you are overly competitive and weird about beating her, she might think you are trying to humiliate her and get turned off. You will deny your intent, but every one knows you’re out for the W.

Dinner and a Movie- A.K.A. The snooze off.

Pros: You get to eat

Cons: Shit is boring

Go to a Show- A.K.A. I’m cultured and stuff

Pros: Potential to dance and see if she’s got some moves. Shows you have good taste and know about cool things.

Cons: If you are bad at dancing she will think you are bad at sex. If you have bad arch support you will be uncomfortable. If the music sucks you will have a bad time. Pretty bad idea actually.

Netflix Night- A.K.A I don’t really want to watch Downtown Abbey with You, but we can bone.

Pros: Get to watch an award winning show and maybe makeout or something.

Cons: Your advances are thwarted and you realize this a terrible mistake. Not only are you firmly placed into the friend zone, but now you are forced to watch British people in costume talk for an hour. Just terrible.

8 Jobs That Exist on Craigslist

24 Jun

job searchPart Time Soccer Coach 3-6 Year Olds- Unless you are born in the favelas of Rio, you have no business playing soccer at three years old, which means no one has any business coaching either. I’ve never seen any 3-6 year old do anything coordinated, so the idea of coaching a group of misfits like this seems better suited for a terrible Adam Sandler comedy (is there any other kind at this point?). While yelling at a group of toddlers and watching them stumble around like a baby giraffe is amusing, it also seems like an incredible waste of time for almost no money.

Become a Dove Chocolatier! – Dove Chocolates is looking for Chocolatiers to join their growing community. A Chocolatier is someone who “earns extra income by hosting in-home chocolate tasting parties!” Or in other words, you allow strangers into your home to eat chocolate. Who is doing this? Has a single person ever signed up to host a chocolatier party Dove? I need answers. This sounds awful. I barely enjoy hosting a party for my close friends, so the thought of multiple strangers coming over to your house for the sole purposes of sampling Dove chocolate is extremely disturbing. How sketchy would it be if just one dude came over? One chocolate obsessed lunatic knocks on your door because for some reason he is incapable of buying his own chocolate and eating it at his own place. This is almost too bonkers to comprehend, and the fact that someone on Dove’s marketing team received a paycheck for suggesting this idea is very upsetting.

Overnight Kennel Attendant – Good lord this just sounds terrible. To be locked in a room with a bunch of sad and angry dogs contemplating their impeding execution, while at the same time pondering your own invariable life of mediocrity is just…terrible.

Musicians – Dust off your recorders and re-learn “Mary Had a Little Lamb” because you might be a rock star sooner than you think. There is no mention in the post whether the person wants to start a band or plays an instrument himself. Is he just curious how many people play instruments in the LA area, and based on responses he may or may not pursue a music career? Sketchballs written all over it. Or shitty Indie band audition.

Sperm Donor – Now this one is tempting, but it brings up a whole mess of moral questions, mostly dealing with how attractive the recipient of your sperm is. No one wants to ghost father with a haggard. Also, the potential for an awkward situation running into your offspring 20 years down the road is frightening. Jacking off for money is pretty boss though. I might look into this one.

Exciting New Opportunity in Marketing!!!– Psyche!! We’re a scam! Wasn’t that a fun waste of time?!

East Indian, Korean, or Chinese Egg Donor – East Indian Egg. Ha!

Social Media Whatever- Do you like the social medias!? Are you good at posting shit on Facebook!? You like Tweets and shit!? Are you tech savvy? Like, can you log onto the internets and CC people on emails!? Cool. Can you live in a large city on $25 k/year with no benefits?!! No? That’s ok your job is really important, cause metrics tell us that the internets is super important!!flip off

Educational Hip-Hop Lyrics

10 Apr

Ok Cupid Profile Pic

Ok Cupid Profile Pic

1. DJ Quick “First you get the power, then you get the money, then you get the pussy, fool don’t be no dummy.”

After the 50th text off to nowhere and first date that does nothing for your mind or boner, I often put on DJ Quick’s “Hand and Hand” to try and inspire myself and gain some clarity. While Quick was probably not referring to his own online dating failures in the song, it serves as a reminder that while sex, romance and companionship are all worthy pursuits, they often come more naturally while pursuing other things. Power corrupts, and money is the root of all evil, but bitches love that shit, and plus, the song wouldn’t be nearly as good with a hook like, “First you nurture your career, then you handle your finances, then you put the penis in vagina! Don’t be foolish young man!”

1000 bucks for a weekend of pelvic thrusts

1000 bucks for a weekend of pelvic thrusts

2. E-40 “ Sometimes its cool to floss, but don’t buy an $80,000 car before you buy a house.”

While I can’t afford a moped or even a birdhouse, E-40’s slangy down-bay twang resonates. He is a man of priorities and is offering sound fiduciary advice. As most of us are not ambassadors to the Bay, balliticians or iconic rappers, let’s make the scenario more millennial appropriate. “Sometimes it’s cool to floss, but don’t buy tickets to Coachella before you pay rent!”

She digs it

She digs it

3. Next “Baby when we’re grinding, I get so excited, oohhh how I like it, I try but I can’t fight it.”

This is a song about a guy getting an erection while dancing with a girl. The guy claims that if they continue dancing that way, he will be compelled to have sex with her right there on the dance floor. Wow. I wasn’t cool enough to have sex in public with girls at 13, but I was popping boners seemingly to every song I danced to. Between school dances, birthday parties and bar mitzvahs I estimate over 3000 boners popped during 7th grade, and I was embarrassed about it until Next taught me that is was OK. It is OK to get an erection while dancing and if the girl doesn’t like it, then she’s neither public sex nor take home to mom material.

Almost there buddy!

Almost there buddy!

4. Freak Nasty Ho “ I put my hand up on your hip, when I dip you dip we dip…”

If you’ve danced with me, you know I have formidable moves. Girls are often left saying things like, “Wow, what moves.” Psst. I will let you in on a little secret. Step 1. Put your hand up on her hip. Step 2. Dip. Step 3. Hopefully she takes the hint and dips too. Step 4. Simultaneous dipping. Step 5. Dip down low and roll and grind.

Double Negatives

5 Feb

In English grammar, two negatives make a positive. Fortunately, we all know grammar is stupid and that here in real life two negatives just mean two bad things. Here are five double negatives that never aren’t fun…I mean that suck.

Why hello scary lady.

Why hello scary lady.

1. Blue Eye Shadow AND Only Has Guy Friends

This is a frightening combination that usually indicates advanced stages of crazy. While seemingly harmless, blue eye shadow turns a perfectly cute treat into a maniacal nightmare. If you aren’t in Cirque de soleil, auditioning for Requiem for a Dream 2: Ass 2 Ass Again, or contemplating joining the Blue Woman group but are scared to go full blue, then please stop. Also, if a girl you are interested in only has guy friends, you will drive yourself crazy thinking about why that is the case. Classic conversation:
“ Mike and I had so much fun at the museum yesterday.”
“ Who’s Mike?”
“ I’ve told you about Mike. He’s my friend.”
“ You know Mike wants to fuck you right? He wants to fuck you in that museum.”
“No…we’re just friends.”
“Stoops.”

Brutes

Brutes

2. Waking Up Hung Over AND Brita Is Empty

The severity of this predicament depends on the dryness of your mouth, thumpiness of your head, and foulness of your breath, but an empty Brita can ruin your already shitty day. There isn’t a time you appreciate water more as life source than when you wake up after drinking heavily and tasting whatever taco truck hot mess you put in your mouth the night before.

Wrap it up!

Wrap it up!

3. Poorly Wrapped Burrito AND No Sour Cream


One of the most overlooked keys to a quality burrito. I can’t tell you how many times (7 times) I’ve taken a few bites of a potentially tasty burrito, only to have it bottom out or spring a leak. What am I to do now Burrito man!? Huh? Just soak myself in carnitas juice while children laugh and point?! Like a drunken white guy once said in a terribly racist accent, “No es burrito sin crema.” SO true brah.

Tough decisions

Tough decisions

4. Having to Take a Poop at a Bar AND Bathroom is Super Foul

Having to poop at a bar is one of the most uncomfortable feelings one can have. You get flush, wonder if you can muster the focus and abdominal strength to cork it or if it’s too little too late. Then, if you choose to make the bold move, you are at the mercy of bar bathroom maintenance, which can range from sticky floor, no lock on door and no toilet paper to no door at all and questionable substance on toilet seat. Do you hover above trying not to let your pants hit the gross floor, while at the same time being mindful of distance from toilet water to avoid splash back? (A.K.A. The unintentional bidet).

Sweet tote girl.

Sweet tote girl.

5. Shopping at Trader Joe’s AND No Attractive Girls Are Shopping

Grocery shopping is a hassle everywhere, but there is an added element of chaos at TJ’s with the swarm of workers rolling around dollies, re-stocking goods and flying about with reckless abandon. Aisles can be tight, Jalapeno cheddar sticks can be out of stock and tote bags can be forgotten. It’s in these TJ moments I try to remain calm and distract myself by observing the shopping habits of cute hipsters. I find it therapeutic. If there aren’t any cute girls shopping, however, I quickly become stressed out and slightly depressed and usually hang out by the free samples until my confidence returns.

18th Century French Urban Planning

30 Jan

Disgustingly narrow streets

Disgustingly narrow streets

While cleaning up my apartment I found a letter dated all the way back to 1756. Using my rudimentary Rosetta Stone French 1 skills and advanced investigation techniques, I surmised that this document was in French. It was addressed to the LCDPU (Le Committee de Planning Urban) in Paris and outlined the very serious flaws of a certain French town in the 18th century. The following is my best attempt to translate the words of an angry French citizen, Guy DeparGuy.

Bonjour,

I just moved to a small town 58 km north of Paris called Derangier, and let me tell you it is a real mess! This city makes no sense. Firstly, there are no designated paths for horses. These animals and there masters are allowed to gallop in any direction at alarming speeds, often times pushing humble pedestrians to the side forcing them to walk on disagreeable ground. In one instance, a horse grazed my elbow as I strolled, jarring the variety of cheeses and baguettes loose from my grasp. I had to march back to the market…, which I might add is on the outskirts of town! What the fuck is that?! There should be a central marketplace that is easily accessible to all.

Stupid Sycamore Lane

Stupid Sycamore Lane

And why are there so many churches? Listen, I love Jesus as much as the next fearful Christian, but I also love cheap whores and booze. A few more brothels and bars would be nice. Furthermore, why is Sycamore Lane such an eyesore? I thought a beautification process was in the works last year. Can we get a shrub, bushel, bonsai, anything to liven up that god-awful center divide? Don’t even get me started on the roundabout at the end of the street. Do I wait? Do I go? Do I just walk in circles until I get tired? Very confusing stuff. Anyway, I’m sure you are busy enjoying my taxes, but I want to see some changes!

Considering a move to Lille,

Guy DeparGuy

Thoughts from an Indie Show

31 Oct

1,2 and ya don’t stop…literally.

Sound check– If you aren’t a famous headlining band; keep that shit to a minimum. I watched an unknown group of idiots say, “1, 2” into a microphone while gesturing to some shadowy hipster in the back for over 25 minutes. This is unacceptable. Do you know how much negative anticipation is built? How awesome you have to be to justify 25 minutes of nonsense with waning arch support in my hep shoes? Pretty damn awesome, and they fell short. I was gone after the first song.

I want to start a group called The Soundchecks where all we do is dress in skinnies and swooping v’s and check the levels on stage, never actually playing more than a few chords in no particular progression. Most in the audience will detest our existence, but one scruffy shitgoat with an influential blog will coin us the Andy Kaufmanns of the indie music scene making us the hottest shit in Echo Park for a month. We will all date cute, malnourished women with pale skin and ride our iconoclastic status until we are pressured to finally release an actual song, which will be terrible, and eventually our lack of musical talent will force the group to take a break and reassess the merits of law school.

Rumpy Chaplin

Weird Chicks– Unlike clubs, bars and parties where women generally choose clothes that accentuate parts of their body, women at concerts around these parts tend to look like… Fill in the whoride.

– Indiana Jone’s understudy
– Your 5th grade production of Shakespeare’s The Tempest
– Punky Brewster’s foreign cousin, Rumpy Mooster
– Someone who collects recycling for a living
– An evil sustainable farmer
– Charlie Chaplin in less modern clothes
– An extra from a yet to be released indie film, “We’re Fucking Cooler Than You.”

I’ve seen girls wearing shorts that give them wedgies. Some wear things called rompers, which make it look like they have pooped themselves. Other times they wear something on their arm that looks like an androgynous skeletor…oops, that’s your boyfriend? My bad.

How dare you small girl!

The Ambience – This is of course contingent on the venue, but if I don’t have arch support, a good amount of booze and an exit strategy you better believe there will be some low-key freaking out on my part. One of the worst feelings in life is to be trapped in a crowd where everyone is more fucked up than you. It is intolerable. Every shoulder bump, foot smash, small girl’s aggressive elbow to your back is an affront to your humanity. Even the cute little white Pocahontas’ with their feather headdresses and adorable prancing get on your nerves. Call me square or close-minded, but I can’t just will myself to dance if I have no connection to the music or group. People who freely gangle about to any sequence of chords frighten me. All I ask for is beer under 7 bucks, a few attractive girls who aren’t completely fried and a bus route nearby if case The Soundchecks go on too long.

My Favorite Foreign Music Videos

24 Aug

PSY- Gangnam Style

For a stout South Korean he sure has a lot of pep in his step. No, the catchy hook does not say, “bang her condom style,” although that would be a wonderfully effective safe sex campaign. This video has been hitting the internets hard and deservedly so. It’s a fun song with a lot of humor. Here is my top 3 moments

0:48- PSY wrapped in childish towel resting his head on another man, watching another man pop and lock.

1:39- PSY screaming at the girl in blue shorts. We have all felt like this. Some times a booty presents itself that is so indescribably dope that we must release a bit of carnal rage.

1:50- 2:05– Dance off! Are we supposed to know the dude in yellow? Is it a sly shout out for Korean music fans? Why does that man in the elevator make me so uncomfortable? Best part for me is after the dude in yellow clearly loses the dance off; he gets back in his Mercedes and throws up the deuces like he won.

Major Lazer- Pon De Floor

I recently found out that Eric Warheim of Tim and Eric fame directed this gem. That sheds a little more light on why this is so fucking weird, but it is really hard to properly deconstruct a cartoon orgy. Again, what makes this so great is the inventive theme combined with a great song.

0:10– Why does bizzaro Wesley Snipes look so sketchy? You know damn well that your friends are already in the house acting like perved out sex fiends, and you can’t wait to join them. Quit looking around all suspicious like.

2:08- Bizzaro Snipes showcases some serious pommel horse type moves on, over and around one of the haggard’s formidable behinds. If the fat booty pommel horse were an event at the Olympics, this dude would be in the running for gold. Let’s make this happen for Rio 2016!

2:29- I could have gone with Bizzaro Snipes jumping off the top rung of the ladder with his pants falling down onto a large woman, but let’s take time to enjoy one of his sketchy friends who impressed me with his lightning quick crab walk, which he then combos perfectly into a slow and sensual grind of a fat. Brought tears to my eyes.

Benny Lava- Take it Easy Policy

This video is bizarre, funny, dangerous, and features some of the greatest dancing I’ve seen in some time. The top comment of YouTube is, “Michael Jackson is the American Benny Lava” and it’s easy to see why. This malnourished pelvic thruster busts some crazy moves. My favorite sequence comes at the 3:09-3:25 mark.

0:45– Classic shoulder tap trick which introduces us to one of the strangest sidekicks of all time. He looks like he goes for the kiss, stops, and then I’m not sure if it was an editing gaffe but his breezay puts up her hand and he kisses that? Wacky.

1:44– Dear god, please take time to watch and re-watch every one of the faces/dances that these men are throwing down on top of the bus. Fun fact: This video is fucking dangerous. Half the scenes are complicated dance sequences on top of moving objects or in streets that have clearly not been shut down.

2:40– Is Benny preventing a suicide here? This just got deep, but the music stays light and fun so I don’t care too much. Is the sidekick mad because he has been rejected so many times that he thinks life is not worth living anymore? What did Benny tell his friend in two seconds that changed his mind and brought him down from the edge? High drama and high praise!

Genki Sudo- Boy Meets Girl

I feel like I could hang out with these guys. This is a strange romp and look into Japanese nightlife as it follows the synchronized escapades of 7 dudes in suits hollering at girls. Can’t really go wrong with the premise, although the novelty and charm of the robotic synchronization wears eventually. Still very entertaining.

1:00– Japanese robotic pelvic beer thrusts!

1:42– Three-man touch off beer pyramid handhold?

Quick note: How do none of these guys have Asian glow? They are going hard on the pints and Saki.

1:04- You think for a second that they might walk by the sweet ladies but NO!!! They make like a Nokia snake and wrap around back to the table to holler in unison. I will definitely use this technique soon.

Osmani Garcia- Chupi Chupi

Nothing like a 7-minute video featuring 17 rappers that talks about lollipops and pussy. This is a very chaotic yet entertaining look inside the world of… Puerto Rican space? Apparently they are in space and huge candy and infectious dance routines play a major role.

0:00- 0:48– Wait, how many people are going to be rapping in this video? 9000? Ok, just checking. I’m sure every one of you has an interesting take on sex, clothes and money.

1:48- Cue the black mailman. Or maybe he has a laptop bag. Is he meant to be in the video or was he just passing by and the director was like, “You know what we don’t have enough of in this video? People rapping.”

3:40- Cue the hipster lesbian. I can’t really believe I watched this far despite the catchy hook, but this girl provides the most interesting verse. No need to watch past this. Chupi Chupi is repeated for several minutes as the various rappers in Oakley’s stunt for the 7D.

Fun Fact: I don’t really like this video that much, but it is colorful and after I watched it I found myself doing the dance and yelling chupi chupi in the bathroom mirror, so clearly there is some magnetism here.

Gringotone- Muevelo Sexy

Whoa, who are these guys?!?! Shot on the top of the line Canon T3i, this masterpiece of cinema debuted in March of this year, and while it didn’t get the views it deserved, it sparked a revolution is filmmaking, acting, directing and musicianship. Film professors at NYU, Ridley Scott, Roger Ebert and hella bitches have praised this trail blazing bilingual duo for their uncanny resemblances to Jason Statham and Ryan Gosling, their other worldly utilization of the Meisner method and their next level understanding of Final Cut. Just great work all around.!!!

5 People Who Have Been in My Life Forever

22 Jun

Back at ya big guy

Usher– I think Usher started singing when he was two years old and then dropped “Nice and Slow” when he was Seven. I really have no idea how old Usher is, and I refuse to look it up. To me he is an R&B cyborg with sweet dance moves who faintly looks like a duck. I have vivid memories of popping b’s on girls at Middle School dances singing along to “They call me U-S…_H-E-R…R-A…-Y-M…O-N-D, now baby tell me what you wanna do.” I was driving the other day and his new song came on and I said to myself, “Hell yea Usher. Keep doing your thing.” There is no other artist I can think of who was popular in 1998 and still enjoys the kind of radio play in today’s mainstream that Usher does, and that deserves some major recognition. My greatest wish is that Usher stays relevant forever. That my children and my grandchildren and great grand children will all have the pleasure of popping their first b’s on a girl to his music and then growing old with it.

No one knows why you’re still playing either.

Derek Fisher– Here he is again. Subbed in late in the 4th quarter of an important NBA finals game. Why is he still in my life? I watched him hit dagger after dagger with the Lakers during their first title run. I cursed him and his sick daughter for playing an important role is dismantling my 2007 “We Believe” Warriors. I watched his biceps fluctuate between Lou Farrigno buff and Sly Stallone swole. I sat idly by while he rejoined the Lakers again for their second title run. Now, just when I think I’ve rid myself of the Fisherman, here he comes trotting out on the court sporting a Thunder jersey and considerably more modest arms. Will this dude have a fucking seat! D Fish has to be the luckiest player ever. Every team he goes to makes a deep run in the playoffs, and I’m always there to watch him wait on the wings to hit that lefty corner 3 that validates his existence and frustrates mine.

Holy hell

Mario Lopez– Most know him as A.C. Slater. The gerry-curled jabroni (yea I used it) of Bayside who wrestled with men for pride and tussled with Zach for Kelly’s heart. When Saved by the Bell ended, I expected two things: Zach Morris would go on to do big things, and everyone else would vanish into Hollywood obscurity. What really happened is Zach really didn’t do all that much, Kelly got slightly hagstown, Screech made a porno, Jessie played a stripper, Lisa remained Black, and Mr. Belding drinks heavily at dive bars in Sherman Oaks. The only one to truly stay relevant was spandex Slater. He got a haircut, but pretty much looks the same as his yearbook photo and maintains a high profile in the industry by reporting on celebrity trysts and nonsense awards. I’m proud of you Mario. No one had you beating Zach Morris in the game of life, but you really did.

Really didn’t expect to find a google image of this dude

Jokemon– One of the biggest deals of my life was being allowed to walk down Telegraph Ave. in 5th grade. Telegraph is a street that spans Berkeley and Oakland and plays host to some seriously strange shit. From a dominatrix spanking her sub outside the now defunct Cody’s Books, to Regan ordering a tear gas assault on Cal students in the 1960’s, this street has some history to say the least. It’s no wonder why parents are apprehensive to let their privileged little shitgoats wander around this wackiness. Telegraph is also home to some of the most unique characters I’ve had the pleasure to share my strange with. My favorite is a guy named Jokemon. It was never clear if he had in fact seen an episode of Pokemon, but as you can guess he would call you over and proceed to tell you a joke for free, alms appreciated of course. By 7th grade I had heard his entire routine, and I must admit the material wasn’t top notch, but he would sell the shit out of it. Even jokes I already heard I was eager to hear again because Jokemon brought it every time. Just to put things in perspective, my comedic idols at the time were Adam Sandler, Monty Python and Jokemon.
Eventually CD’s went extinct and my visits to Telegraph became less frequent, but on a recent trip to Top Dog while visiting home, there he was, entertaining a group of Middle Schoolers with his animated delivery. It made me smile.

Glad there is no image of my actual dentist.

My Dentist– I have been going to the same dentist my entire life. She is a family friend and a lovely lady. She is primarily a kid’s dentist, but has always made an exception for me. I used to hate going, but now I find it hilarious. I’m too big for everything. The waiting room chairs, the dentist chair, my hands are to stubby for the treasure chest to collect my lolly, my face is too wide for the sunglasses when they x-ray my teeth, and all the dental assistants have a good laugh when the big idiot pays a visit. A grown man reading Dr. Seuss while he gets his fluoride treatment bewilders the other children, but I continue to go year after year and if she will allow it, forever.

Youtube Hater

13 Jun

CSI Facebook Creep

15 May