Mitt Romney Topical Video

5 Sep

My Favorite Foreign Music Videos

24 Aug

PSY- Gangnam Style

For a stout South Korean he sure has a lot of pep in his step. No, the catchy hook does not say, “bang her condom style,” although that would be a wonderfully effective safe sex campaign. This video has been hitting the internets hard and deservedly so. It’s a fun song with a lot of humor. Here is my top 3 moments

0:48- PSY wrapped in childish towel resting his head on another man, watching another man pop and lock.

1:39- PSY screaming at the girl in blue shorts. We have all felt like this. Some times a booty presents itself that is so indescribably dope that we must release a bit of carnal rage.

1:50- 2:05– Dance off! Are we supposed to know the dude in yellow? Is it a sly shout out for Korean music fans? Why does that man in the elevator make me so uncomfortable? Best part for me is after the dude in yellow clearly loses the dance off; he gets back in his Mercedes and throws up the deuces like he won.

Major Lazer- Pon De Floor

I recently found out that Eric Warheim of Tim and Eric fame directed this gem. That sheds a little more light on why this is so fucking weird, but it is really hard to properly deconstruct a cartoon orgy. Again, what makes this so great is the inventive theme combined with a great song.

0:10– Why does bizzaro Wesley Snipes look so sketchy? You know damn well that your friends are already in the house acting like perved out sex fiends, and you can’t wait to join them. Quit looking around all suspicious like.

2:08- Bizzaro Snipes showcases some serious pommel horse type moves on, over and around one of the haggard’s formidable behinds. If the fat booty pommel horse were an event at the Olympics, this dude would be in the running for gold. Let’s make this happen for Rio 2016!

2:29- I could have gone with Bizzaro Snipes jumping off the top rung of the ladder with his pants falling down onto a large woman, but let’s take time to enjoy one of his sketchy friends who impressed me with his lightning quick crab walk, which he then combos perfectly into a slow and sensual grind of a fat. Brought tears to my eyes.

Benny Lava- Take it Easy Policy

This video is bizarre, funny, dangerous, and features some of the greatest dancing I’ve seen in some time. The top comment of YouTube is, “Michael Jackson is the American Benny Lava” and it’s easy to see why. This malnourished pelvic thruster busts some crazy moves. My favorite sequence comes at the 3:09-3:25 mark.

0:45– Classic shoulder tap trick which introduces us to one of the strangest sidekicks of all time. He looks like he goes for the kiss, stops, and then I’m not sure if it was an editing gaffe but his breezay puts up her hand and he kisses that? Wacky.

1:44– Dear god, please take time to watch and re-watch every one of the faces/dances that these men are throwing down on top of the bus. Fun fact: This video is fucking dangerous. Half the scenes are complicated dance sequences on top of moving objects or in streets that have clearly not been shut down.

2:40– Is Benny preventing a suicide here? This just got deep, but the music stays light and fun so I don’t care too much. Is the sidekick mad because he has been rejected so many times that he thinks life is not worth living anymore? What did Benny tell his friend in two seconds that changed his mind and brought him down from the edge? High drama and high praise!

Genki Sudo- Boy Meets Girl

I feel like I could hang out with these guys. This is a strange romp and look into Japanese nightlife as it follows the synchronized escapades of 7 dudes in suits hollering at girls. Can’t really go wrong with the premise, although the novelty and charm of the robotic synchronization wears eventually. Still very entertaining.

1:00– Japanese robotic pelvic beer thrusts!

1:42– Three-man touch off beer pyramid handhold?

Quick note: How do none of these guys have Asian glow? They are going hard on the pints and Saki.

1:04- You think for a second that they might walk by the sweet ladies but NO!!! They make like a Nokia snake and wrap around back to the table to holler in unison. I will definitely use this technique soon.

Osmani Garcia- Chupi Chupi

Nothing like a 7-minute video featuring 17 rappers that talks about lollipops and pussy. This is a very chaotic yet entertaining look inside the world of… Puerto Rican space? Apparently they are in space and huge candy and infectious dance routines play a major role.

0:00- 0:48– Wait, how many people are going to be rapping in this video? 9000? Ok, just checking. I’m sure every one of you has an interesting take on sex, clothes and money.

1:48- Cue the black mailman. Or maybe he has a laptop bag. Is he meant to be in the video or was he just passing by and the director was like, “You know what we don’t have enough of in this video? People rapping.”

3:40- Cue the hipster lesbian. I can’t really believe I watched this far despite the catchy hook, but this girl provides the most interesting verse. No need to watch past this. Chupi Chupi is repeated for several minutes as the various rappers in Oakley’s stunt for the 7D.

Fun Fact: I don’t really like this video that much, but it is colorful and after I watched it I found myself doing the dance and yelling chupi chupi in the bathroom mirror, so clearly there is some magnetism here.

Gringotone- Muevelo Sexy

Whoa, who are these guys?!?! Shot on the top of the line Canon T3i, this masterpiece of cinema debuted in March of this year, and while it didn’t get the views it deserved, it sparked a revolution is filmmaking, acting, directing and musicianship. Film professors at NYU, Ridley Scott, Roger Ebert and hella bitches have praised this trail blazing bilingual duo for their uncanny resemblances to Jason Statham and Ryan Gosling, their other worldly utilization of the Meisner method and their next level understanding of Final Cut. Just great work all around.!!!

The Mid 20’s Shoenundrum

17 Aug

After returning from my first day of Kindergarten my parents asked me how it went. Instead of answering like a normal person, I proceeded to tell them what kind of shoe every kid in my class was wearing like some kind of autistic Zappos employee. When all the other children would take off their shoes to play in the park, I would velcro my L.A. Gear tighter and light up the shit out of that grass. Shoes helped me kick the back of nerd’s chairs, outrun my first teacher, impress my first girl and boot my first homerun in kickball. I have always been more or less at the top of my shoe game. Keds slip ons. Check. Pumps and Gears. Worn. The Sean Kemps. Ramalamadingdong! Jordans V-IV. Copped. I’ve been riding at the crest of the wave for two decades, looking like Kelly Slater with shoes on, until now.

Such a hep and responsible shoe

I sucked it up and bought a plaid shirt. I went shopping with a girl and she convinced me to buy considerably more form fitting jeans. (Will never admit to Skinnies). I even bought a swooping pastel v, but never did I think the day would come when I had to buy “adult shoes.” We’ve all seen them. I believe their actual name is wing tips, but I’ll call them fucking adult shoes. They are suede and they make you look fantastic and responsible. Maybe it is a psychological barrier I have constructed to slow my maturation into a full-fledged adult, but whatever the case, I’m starting to feel judged by the shoes that I wear. The shoes you step out the door with in the morning (or late afternoon if you’re an effin loser) carry connotations whether you want them to or not.

Oooh the reds

Vans– You might skateboard, but you probably don’t. Maybe you were enchanted with the idea until you realized how painful it is to fall off, so you kept the Vans to give you steez points. I don’t blame you. Vans are a versatile shoe that goes well with both shorts and pants. They embody the essence of simps casual and can be worn to the beach or the club. Vans carry a bit of a dude vibe, but guess what? Some dudes are super sweet so lay off bro.

JOKE!!!!

Flip-Flops– I don’t know how many times I have to say this. IF YOU AREN”T AT THE BEACH, YOU CAN’T WEAR FLIP-FLOPS! You look like a real joke. “But these are Rainbows and they have formed to my feet patterns….” Shut it, and refer back to my line where you look like a joke. Also, don’t even think about wearing them with pants-….oh god, you are going to wear them with pants aren’t you?

Which side is starboard again?

Boat Shoes– These things have become popular somehow. I’d say they are mostly a sunny day, go to brunch, bottomless mimosa kind of shoe. When you put these on you are saying I’m ready for a hootenanny, and I could possibly help out on starboard if need be.

Running Shoes- If you aren’t jogging, visiting a foreign city or a genius, running shoes says you either have a terrible back or you have given up. There is nothing more pathetic that a pair of tattered jeans and crusty New Balances. Step your game up.

Toms– Are you a Chinese labor worker? 15th century court Jester? Elf in Santa’s workshop? No? Then take those off.

Jordans– This is a tough one. Shelling out $150 for Jordans used to make you the bell of the ball. Now, as much as it pains me to say it, rocking Jordans makes you look a bit dated and clunky. While MJ is still revered, his shoes reached their cool apex in 2001.

Nike Air Max– What a pompous shoe! These kicks haven’t gone down in price since ’95. I didn’t study econ, but something seems fishy about that.

Get to stompin

Air Force Ones- Much like Nelly, these shoes can only be found in old music videos and probably for good reason.

Ankle snaps

Converse– Chucks make you look cool, calm and comfortable without actually feeling any of those things. There is absolutely no support to this shoe. It’s a wonder how every ball player until the 70’s didn’t snap their ankle the second they stepped on the court.

Adult Shoes– Congrats! You made it. You’re an adult. You’ve taken that step that says I’m ready to start dating girls my own age, paying for my cell phone and washing my dishes immediately after the meal. This shoe says you’ve been to a foreign country, your balls are big and there are more than three $20 bills in your leather wallet. Well done guy.

You did it buddy.

Proud to Be an American?

6 Aug

Hahaah

Every four years I am jolted from my patriotic slumber and force myself to scream at small women who have dedicated their lives to shooting an air pistol 10 meters. Aside from ridiculous events, the Summer Olympics always serve as a reminder that I have an American identity and that I actually might even be proud to be American.

I attended a very liberal university during a period of history where the U.S. was making some questionable decisions. We were like a drunk frat bro who got sucker punched at a kegger, then got up all wobbly and took a swing at the Asian kid in the corner who had nothing to do with it. Then we were like, “Fuck this, I’m going to find that dude,” and we got in our dad’s Mercedes, but crashed immediately into a stop sign and threw up on our cargo shorts. Then the cops came, but lucky for us the chief of police was our uncle so we got to sleep it off instead of spending the night in jail, and everyone at the kegger was left saying, “Wow, fuck that dude.”

I guess what I’m trying to say is you wouldn’t have found any Bruce Springsteen on my IPod in the mid aughts. (Except “Dancing in the Dark.” That song is just awesome.) I was anti-Bush, anti-conservative, anti-shwag weed, and anti- American. During my junior year abroad I was hesitant to tell people I was American, opting for Californian in hopes that they liked O.C., Terminator or Red Hot Chili Peppers. I remember a group of American tourists who had sewn the Canadian flag on their travel packs to try and avoid uncomfortable situations. I held the belief that I was the awesome exception to a cruel norm, which I shared nothing in common with. Americans are racist and I am tolerant. Americans are stupid, and I am smart and witty. Americans are fat and loud; I am lean and partially reserved. Clearly I must be non-American, or some kind of genetically mutated American, impervious to stereotype and generalization.

I considered myself strictly a citizen of the world until one cold night in Buenos Aires changed my perspective. I moved to BA after college to “teach English.” I was looking for adventure and an escape from the unbelievably boring States. Some locals invited me to smoke and drink fernet in a plaza in San Telmo. (Ooh, how cultural) I was introduced as Andres from America. This of course sparked South Americans favorite debate, which is that we are all Americans so I should say I am from the States. After bumbling my way thru my drunken Spanish opinion on that matter, a rat-tailed Argentino stopped playing Bob Marley long enough to try and rip me a new culito.

Stoops guy, sweet tail.

“Why do you like Bush?”
“I don’t.”
“Why did you vote for him?”
“I didn’t. Other people did. Bush doesn’t represent everyone in America…err sorry, the states.
“Why did you vote for him twice?”
“Umm. That is difficult to explain in any language, but you must understand that the U.S. is huge! It cannot be defined only by its government or one person’s actions…”

This went on for almost an hour. I grew frustrated, but also more passionate as the hippy refused to stop prodding the issue. I had never defended my homeland so vehemently in my life and I was finding that I was eager and even happy to do so. Maybe it was the brown shwag and rich man’s Jaeger talking, but it was the first time I can ever remember taking pride in being American.

Beautiful

Watching these 2012 Olympics I try to tell myself that the only reason I tune in is because I am a fan of sports and competition, and if a fellow countrymen were to win that competition, all the better right? This just isn’t true, and I can’t hide anymore from the brutal reality. I would never watch a gymnastics routine any other time in my life. If I turned on ESPN in September and there was some ripped midget straddling a pommel horse, I would throw my Budweiser at the screen and write a strongly worded letter to Bristol.

I not only want Americans to win, but I want the other countries to be humiliated. I want to see Poland’s canoe hit a rock and careen off a dangerous waterfall. I want to see Australia’s bicyclists ride too close together, rub wheels, and crash against the wall while the Americans leisurely pedal their way to gold. I want a Russian to snap his leg during the 10,000m. I love the San Francisco 49’ers, but I didn’t shed a single tear when they lost in overtime to the NY Giants last season, but you give me five American gymnasts with some compelling back stories, an American flag and an electric vault routine and I’m balling like a teenage girl who just found out K Stew cheated on the lanky white.

When the Olympics finish, I will stop wishing terrible things on the rest of the world. I will return to forgetting that I live in America and will reassume my identity of laid back cool guy from the west coast who doesn’t get riled too easy. It’s nice to know, however, that for a couple weeks every four years I feel a connection to everyone else in this huge country, and that we can bond over a universal truth. We’re Number 1. We’re Number 1. U-S-A!

Hell yea brother.

Camping Etiquette

26 Jul

5 Songs Buddy!

Rogue John Mayers– There is a 5-song max!!! Normally someone will pick up the guitar and timidly pluck at the strings and say something like, “Oh I haven’t played in forever,” or “I only know a couple songs.” This is what you want to hear because these people will play their “House of the Rising Sun,” “Ring of Fire” and “Wish you Were Here” and be done with it. Everyone sings along and laughs and times are good. If someone starts tuning the guitar by ear or drops that they are in a band, run for the fucking hills. You are about to sit through a brutal session, which usually entails long periods of required silence and obligatory compliments such as, “wow that was really powerful.” I don’t care how many chords you know or how sultry your voice may be, I didn’t ask for a private concert so please play your 5 songs and shut that shit.

Side note: Beware of those who bring hand drums. While a skilled percussionist can add depth to a jam session, a drunk or “in the zone” hand slapper can quickly become a nuisance.

No respect.

Reckless Roasters- We’re all adults now, which means find your stick, widdle what you will, apply the mallow and exercise a bit of patience. I’ll have none of this juvenile putting the entire mallow in the hot, hot flame and burning the crap out of it. Everyone knows you are not enjoying your burnt ass smore. Get your grown smore on.

Let me in guys.

Tentative Tent Sharers– I recently went camping with some friends. Before we left I asked if any of them had a tent I could share. Apparently this is the most inappropriate question to ask before a camping trip. “Umm that’s weird. Why don’t you have a tent?” Oh is that weird? Sorry, but in the midst of trying to get a fulfilling job, find love, make friends, travel, build my skill set, and rage, buying a fucking tent slipped my mind! My apologies!

Side note: Stop bringing all of your bedding from home and putting into your tent like its your bed away from bed. Everyone knows sleeping in a tent is uncomfortable no matter how many amenities one brings. They are smelly, hot sickly chambers usually on uneven ground. Your duvet won’t help matters.

The ravine is just down the way.

The Snorelax- (I think I’m actually included in this group) Kindly roll yourself off a ravine.

Stay in your site old people.

Neighborly Neds- Stay the eff in your own campsite. This ain’t the club. I don’t care if you need firewood, firs aid or just a friend. I’m here with my friends trying to create my own memories. I don’t need you coming over in your Tour De France outfit telling me about how long it takes to bike down the California coast. You’re smelly and making people uncomfortable.

Side note: If you are an attractive group of female campers you may approach. BUT WITH CAUTION.

Double Side note: This never happens.

Did you study at Le Cordon Bleu?

Julia Childs Style– Oh! Didn’t know we invited Julia and Julia, Alice Waters and Wolfgang Puck on this trip. If you are going to spend half your rent check on organic foods for one weekend then so be it, but don’t have the audacity to critique my bud lights, block of cheese and ballpark franks. You can eat your quinoa and leek beet salad sandwich, but do so sans smirk and in silence.

That’ll do just fine.

Fire Fuhrer– Nobody cares that you took a wilderness survival-training course or went backpacking for a week in Yosemite. Everyone has a Bic and can find some paper and kindling. “Hmm I noticed you didn’t create a teepee structure, which is really the most efficient…” Shut that shit. I have a lighter. We’ll all be just fine.

GET THAT HEADLAMP OUT MY FACE!

5 Unconventional Hollers at Bars

18 Jul

Sometimes you walk into a bar and feel like Bradley Pitt. I assume he would do well at a bar. Other nights you just don’t have your mojo. You feel paralyzed by exhaustion, fear, poor wardrobe choices, sobriety and ESPN highlights. The mere thought of striking up a conversation with a female makes you want to go home and re-watch season 1 of Game of Thrones. (Let’s be honest, Season 2 was a little brutes until the last three episodes) Wahh! I don’t have a clever opener. Wahh! I’m ugly and overweight. Wahh! I’m a baby, who let me into this bar? No more excuses boys. Here are 5 unique ways to holler at girls that set you apart from the pack.

This person wins.

1. Challenge Her to a Drawing Contest– Most women like art; consider themselves artistic or think they know what art is. This approach shows confidence and a competitive nature. It’s an added bonus if you can actually draw, but if you are like me and got a C- in Visual Arts in High School, then simply use your time together drawing as an excuse to display other appealing traits if you have them.

Potential Flaws: If you are not a good artist AND don’t have any redeeming character traits please don’t use this approach as you will likely come off as creepy. Nobody wants to silently draw a unicorn in a packed bar and be passively critiqued by a weirdo.

The girl is stoops.

She is an awesome artist and judges your silly shitscribblings and decides she doesn’t find you attractive.

She’s such an awful artist that you think for a minute she in incapable of producing anything beautiful and you flash-forward to what your kids might look like and excuse yourself to the bathroom to yak.

Look how happy she is.

2. Send Her Something Other than a Drink– Oh, you sent her over a vodka martini with extra olives, what a cool guy you are. That shows no creativity or effort. You didn’t make the drink; you just watched too many Bond movies and have access to legal tender. All that shows is you have money. (As I get older I realize how important this is to girls….BUT that’s beside the point for now) I suggest sending over a mini-cupcake, or a full sized one depending on the largess of the lady. Other items that work include a Hershey’s kiss, mix tape, left over pad thai…OK you get it though.

Potential flaws: If the girl is insecure about her weight and thinks you are trying to make a statement by sending her a mini-cupcake. She hates getting gifts ever since her father left the family and ran off with the house cleaner Guadalupe on Christmas morning. I think the odds are in your favor for this one.

So preeeettty.

3. Glow sticks– Props to my roommate for exploiting this gem. You don’t have to be a raver to enjoy bright chemicals in plastic casing. Head down to the nearest 99-cent store and buy a handful. Humans are naturally attracted to light and everyone loves colors unless you’re a racist. It only makes sense that the harbinger of colorful lights would become an attractive and sought after figure. Approach the drunkest looking gaggle of geese and wait for them to ask why you brought glow sticks. “Cause I came to fucking rage!!!!” Then you throw glow sticks everywhere. Bawwwsssss.

Potential Flaws: Girl overdosed at a Deadmau5 show. She is a racist environmental prude and doesn’t like plastic or colors.

This is pushing the mental patient line.

4. Get a Weird Haircut and Pretend You’re Australian- Yes, this is super specific, but it works. It is important that you are either from Australia, Wales or New Zealand. There are too many examples of British accents so it’s harder to fake a good one. Irish and Scottish are too hard and ridiculous sounding to pull off. Take a few YouTube accent lessons, head down to Supercuts and get wacky. Rattails, scoops, faux hawk, low hawk, no hawk, initials in the side of your head are all acceptable choices. Girls want fantasy and fairy tale. There is nothing better than happening upon a strange “foreigner” in a dimly lit pub. Keep your talking to a minimum and you’ll also get good listener points.

Potential Flaws: If your accent breaks too much. If the girl is from that country. If your haircut is too weird and makes you look like a mental patient.

I love you babe!

5. Drink a Bunch– Yup, as we get older it becomes more socially uncouth to get rip roaring at a bar and make a fool of yourself. Don’t be scared to take it back to Freshmen Year you from time to time. Chances are someone will be on your level. She may not be “the one” but she is certainly someone. You may not even know or remember what you are saying, but trust me, you will be hollering at anything that will listen. Fats, taco truck ladies, bums, signposts, and pretty much whatever is in your path. You will be like a horny and loud tornado.

Potential Flaws: A lot of shit.

Bay vs. LA

3 Jul

A good friend recently called me and asked if I wanted to attend a local trivia night in the Bay Area. While flattered by the gesture, I informed the friend that I live in L.A. and unless he wanted to fly me up for the night like some high-end trivia escort, I would have to decline the invite.

“Really? How long have you been down there?”
“Over two years now. You should probably know this information about me”
“Shit man. What are you still doing down there? That place sucks.”

Most Northern Californians would agree with my friend, and most Southern Californians would be oblivious to the fact that their neighbors despise them so much, but at the same time carry an air of superiority that hints that they care more than they let on.

My friend was bummed that he wouldn’t have enough for a six-man team (and someone to crush current events) and then asked me, “So what’s better? The Bay or LA?” As always these debates are a matter of personal preference and clearly the fact I was born and raised in the Bay Area may cause some bias, but I do love L.A. I really do. I also wrote for my school newspaper for a few months so this will be a totally and completely objective look at both regions in hopes of settling the great yell-off.

Weather: LA

LA– Some say LA is devoid of weather. Those people are idiots or ungrateful and sentimental Easterners who miss the “change of the seasons.” Big ‘effin deal. The leaves change color for a couple days, snow is fun and nostalgic for maybe a day if you don’t have to work or be somewhere and rain puts you in a reflective mood until you want to kill yourself. Guess what everyone says after a week of freezing cold, wet and uncomfortable conditions? “I want sun!” LA has 9,000 days of sun a year. I describe it like being in a well-maintained lizard terrarium where everyone moves slow and licks the glass. (Not the best analogy but that’s how I’ve described it to like 5 people) You don’t have to wear a jacket at night and oh boy those Santa Ana winds…don’t quite know what they are, but people talk about them like lost lovers.

Bay– The Bay’s air is crisper and the light less intense. There are so many microclimates that it is hard to make an accurate comparison, but foggy summers in SF seem to be a downer for most who live there. We are all familiar with Mark Twain’s famous quote, “Fuck this fog, I’m kicking it in the East Bay today.”

Nature/Outdoors: Bay

LA– Los Angeles loses this one, but not by much. Everyone thinks LA is some sprawling shithole, isolated from anything beautiful. While there is a serious lack of green within the city, LA is super close to wonderful hiking in Malibu and San Bernardino, cliff jumping in Azusa, skiing in Big Bear and of course water sports all along its inviting beaches. Hey! There are beaches in the Bay too! Yea and they suck. Ocean Beach is freezing, Stinson is only good in summer and far away, and Robert Crown Memorial is just…well…heroine needly.

Bay– Pretty tough to beat the Bay in terms of natural beauty. First of all there is a big and beautiful bay that wraps around the major cities. There is a huge forest of redwoods where John Muir used to go and do things and a park the size of the city itself plopped in the middle with buffalo roaming around. When I was considering moving to LA, I visited my aunt and she was adamant about showing me the Silverlake reservoir and described it as “beautiful.” To be clear, reservoir is not an acronym for something awesome, it’s literally a water containment facility with a barbed wire fence around it next to a patch of grass, but people had come to cherish this small bit of green and blue within the city. Not a good sign.

Traffic/Public Transportation: Bay

LA– No secret here. All you have to do is watch this video to understand how LA traffic drives people insane. I’ve tried herbal teas, reggae mixes and deep breathing techniques. Nothing works. The metro isn’t bad, but it doesn’t service enough areas and if you polled Angelinos, I’m sure most wouldn’t even know LA has a subway system.

Bay– Yes, traffic here can suck too, but I’ve never had to put on Bob Marley to physically stop myself from murdering someone. Muni and Bart are gross, but fairly accessible and if you haven’t pissed in a Gatorade bottle on your way back from New Years, you’re not living.

People/Sense of Community: Bay

LA– This one was hard to call and I’ll explain why. LA has a terrible reputation for being full of pretentious, fake and fame hungry airheads. These people do exist, but they are not the majority and you don’t have to interact with them if you don’t want to. You’re a big boy now. LA is huge! There are so many unique neighborhoods that give you a different flavor of LA life. It’s a melting pot of transients, natives, immigrants, celebrities, and those trying to become celebrities. Here is the double-edged sword. LA is an entertainment hub and industry. People move here from all over the world to make a career out of their artistic passion and craft. I’ve never been surrounded by this many talented and driven people in my life, and that is a credit to the magnetism of LA. This also means everyone moves here for a purpose, not merely for a change of scenery. Careers come first, which means relationships and friends come second. I’ve never been exposed to so much fakery and flakery in my life. Distance between neighborhoods, traffic, auditions, gigs, shoots, shows, headshots and diets are all reasons given for not hanging out, and that’s bullshit. Some call it independence; I’d call it loneliness.

Bay- I think the Bay wins this because of what the area does to people. LA has made me slightly impatient and mistrusting of people’s intentions. The bay tends to attract and nurture a sense of tolerance and curiosity. People are encouraged to be themselves and that creates a very unique region full of interesting and mostly intelligent people. I’m not saying people in LA are stupid, but the general discourse revolves around entertainment, which is to be expected, but exhausting nonetheless. Something brought to my attention, however, is the fierce regionalism that exists within the Bay. There is a certain aura of self-righteousness that exudes from bay folks, which can be perceived by outsiders as pretentious or just downright ridiculous. We’re still pretty sweet though. (Most biased section. I swear)

Food: This decision was excruciating, but I think LA takes it. I’m not a foodie so I don’t know where to get bomb Azerbaijani food, but I can speak on the main cuisines. Affordability and food trucks tip the scales.

Burritos: Bay
Mexican/Latin: LA
Burgers: LA
Pizza: Bay
Korean/Japanese: LA
Chinese: Bay
Indian: I don’t know, it all runs thru me.
Thai: LA
Food Trucks: LA

Oh, but what about Alice Waters and the California Cuisine/Organic farms/Gourmet Ghetto revolution in the Bay? It’s all great, but like I said before I don’t have the duckets to go to Chez Panisse or some Michelin 4 star joint and eat dungeoness crab with gold on top.

So if you are counting at home I guess the Bay takes it, but there is a reason I haven’t moved back yet. LA is a really cool place with a lot to offer and I wish people gave it more of a chance. Why here’s an idea! Now that my friends know that I’ve been living in LA for the last two years, they can come visit and see for themselves how sweet it is, and then talk shit about it when they get back to the Bay.

5 People Who Have Been in My Life Forever

22 Jun

Back at ya big guy

Usher– I think Usher started singing when he was two years old and then dropped “Nice and Slow” when he was Seven. I really have no idea how old Usher is, and I refuse to look it up. To me he is an R&B cyborg with sweet dance moves who faintly looks like a duck. I have vivid memories of popping b’s on girls at Middle School dances singing along to “They call me U-S…_H-E-R…R-A…-Y-M…O-N-D, now baby tell me what you wanna do.” I was driving the other day and his new song came on and I said to myself, “Hell yea Usher. Keep doing your thing.” There is no other artist I can think of who was popular in 1998 and still enjoys the kind of radio play in today’s mainstream that Usher does, and that deserves some major recognition. My greatest wish is that Usher stays relevant forever. That my children and my grandchildren and great grand children will all have the pleasure of popping their first b’s on a girl to his music and then growing old with it.

No one knows why you’re still playing either.

Derek Fisher– Here he is again. Subbed in late in the 4th quarter of an important NBA finals game. Why is he still in my life? I watched him hit dagger after dagger with the Lakers during their first title run. I cursed him and his sick daughter for playing an important role is dismantling my 2007 “We Believe” Warriors. I watched his biceps fluctuate between Lou Farrigno buff and Sly Stallone swole. I sat idly by while he rejoined the Lakers again for their second title run. Now, just when I think I’ve rid myself of the Fisherman, here he comes trotting out on the court sporting a Thunder jersey and considerably more modest arms. Will this dude have a fucking seat! D Fish has to be the luckiest player ever. Every team he goes to makes a deep run in the playoffs, and I’m always there to watch him wait on the wings to hit that lefty corner 3 that validates his existence and frustrates mine.

Holy hell

Mario Lopez– Most know him as A.C. Slater. The gerry-curled jabroni (yea I used it) of Bayside who wrestled with men for pride and tussled with Zach for Kelly’s heart. When Saved by the Bell ended, I expected two things: Zach Morris would go on to do big things, and everyone else would vanish into Hollywood obscurity. What really happened is Zach really didn’t do all that much, Kelly got slightly hagstown, Screech made a porno, Jessie played a stripper, Lisa remained Black, and Mr. Belding drinks heavily at dive bars in Sherman Oaks. The only one to truly stay relevant was spandex Slater. He got a haircut, but pretty much looks the same as his yearbook photo and maintains a high profile in the industry by reporting on celebrity trysts and nonsense awards. I’m proud of you Mario. No one had you beating Zach Morris in the game of life, but you really did.

Really didn’t expect to find a google image of this dude

Jokemon– One of the biggest deals of my life was being allowed to walk down Telegraph Ave. in 5th grade. Telegraph is a street that spans Berkeley and Oakland and plays host to some seriously strange shit. From a dominatrix spanking her sub outside the now defunct Cody’s Books, to Regan ordering a tear gas assault on Cal students in the 1960’s, this street has some history to say the least. It’s no wonder why parents are apprehensive to let their privileged little shitgoats wander around this wackiness. Telegraph is also home to some of the most unique characters I’ve had the pleasure to share my strange with. My favorite is a guy named Jokemon. It was never clear if he had in fact seen an episode of Pokemon, but as you can guess he would call you over and proceed to tell you a joke for free, alms appreciated of course. By 7th grade I had heard his entire routine, and I must admit the material wasn’t top notch, but he would sell the shit out of it. Even jokes I already heard I was eager to hear again because Jokemon brought it every time. Just to put things in perspective, my comedic idols at the time were Adam Sandler, Monty Python and Jokemon.
Eventually CD’s went extinct and my visits to Telegraph became less frequent, but on a recent trip to Top Dog while visiting home, there he was, entertaining a group of Middle Schoolers with his animated delivery. It made me smile.

Glad there is no image of my actual dentist.

My Dentist– I have been going to the same dentist my entire life. She is a family friend and a lovely lady. She is primarily a kid’s dentist, but has always made an exception for me. I used to hate going, but now I find it hilarious. I’m too big for everything. The waiting room chairs, the dentist chair, my hands are to stubby for the treasure chest to collect my lolly, my face is too wide for the sunglasses when they x-ray my teeth, and all the dental assistants have a good laugh when the big idiot pays a visit. A grown man reading Dr. Seuss while he gets his fluoride treatment bewilders the other children, but I continue to go year after year and if she will allow it, forever.

Youtube Hater

13 Jun

Game of Thrones Recap

8 Jun

This has to be the best intro since John Tesh’s “Roundball Rock” for NBA on NBC. When that cello or whatever the hell it is hits at the :09 second mark I get so excited. I am instantly prepared for murder, rape and deceit. The following is my breakdown of the main characters, their story lines, and some what have yous from the last episode of Season 2.

Badass

Tyrrian the Imp– This dude is a badass. I just found out the actor who plays Tyrrian is named Peter Dinklage. I know parents can’t predict midgetry, but maybe science can? (I’m never sure what science is hiding from me) but the bottom line is the dude is a midget named Dinklage! I don’t even want to know how tough his childhood was. I seriously shed a tear just thinking about it. His adult life is pretty awesome though. He is a fantastic actor and has for sure taken the #1 midget acting spot from Mini Me, that black dude from “Me, Myself and Irene” and the cast of Time Bandits. Oh right, Game of Thrones…
After saving out and chopping fools’ knees off on the battlefield, Tyrrian wakes up next to the Old Wise Haggard who tells him he is no longer Hand of the King. Bummer town. Then Bald Dickless shuffles in and insinuates that Tyrrian’s sister, Cerces, was behind his attempted assassination. Double Bummer town!! Then his fine prostitute comes in and tries to get him to flee King’s Landing with her to some dope island where they will drink and fuck their lives away. Awesome! Hold on though. It seems Tyrrian would prefer to stay in King’s Landing and play mind games with murderous weirdos. Suspect move midget, but I’m excited to see how it plays out next season.

Punk

King Joffrey– Thissssssss mother fucker. He lets his Mom pull him from battle and retreats to his quarters like a little b.(Not to be mistaken with the Basedgod) Geoffrey is that punk kid in Middle School you just want to hit over and over again in his face. He talks shit all day, and then when you challenge him he tattles. With some encouragement from Cerces and the Old Wise Haggard, he chooses to dump Sansa for a much finer breezay. Oooh Sansa you just got nexted! This is the only time I have ever applauded a decision of Geoffrey’s. I hope he dies soon though.

Stoops

Stark Girls– Sansa just got dumped and then refused Bizarro Carcetti’s offer to help her out of the city. She had previously declined the Hound’s very same offer. This girl is STOOPS! I wouldn’t mind seeing her die either. Arya is being a cute sav per usual. She escapes with the French Assassin, but declines his offer to learn the art of silently murdering fools. Another stoops move from a Stark. What is wrong with these girls! When a master assassin offers to train you in the dark arts, you say yes…aaannnd he just changed faces!!!! How can you turn this guy down?

Less dragon and more naked please

Calisi– Pays a visit to Jeff Van Gundy’s House of the Undying to get her dragons back. After playing ring around the rosy, she gets sucked into her sub-conscious and reunites with Khal Drogo. When the dream ends, she is chained up next to her dragons. Jeff Van Gundy delivers one of his creepy monologues in which he intends to keep Calisi imprisoned for eternity. Oh hell no. Calisi gives her sultry orgasm face and says some shit in dragon jabber. Flame on! The dragons scorch Jeff Van Gundy’s face off. She then finds Tyler Perry boning her finest wench maiden and isn’t happy. She forces TP to open the vault but finds that it’s empty. Faker. Tyler Perry gets locked up with the fine girl (not a bad way to die) and she loots Qarth for all its worth. Huzzah! Side note: Calisi hasn’t been naked in like 7 episodes. This is unacceptable.

Gave her the old in out in out

Theon Greyjoy/Dude from Clockwork Orange– Well, this guy really lost it. Angry Northerners that want his head surround Winterfell, and it seems his time is up, but wait! He taps into his inner Coach Taylor and delivers a rousing battle speech that…. Boom! Knocked the eff out by his own man. Not quite sure why they put a bag over his head, but nothing good usually happens in life once a bag has been put over your head.

I’m still a Crow

John Snow– This guy must have the best hair product in Westeros. John Snow is the hipsterest of all the Crows. I hear when he’s not looking for Wildlings; he can be found changing the oil on his bio diesel Mercedes, and silk-screening ironic tees. He just can’t stop making that worried yet don’t worry I’m still handsome and good with a sword face. Him and Mike Snow should make a remix to “Animal,” “but I’m still I’m still a Crowwwww.” OK, that was stupid.

Fight!!!

Aaron Sorkin and Buff Tilda Swinton– The witty one liners continue….right up until Buff Tilda cuts some dude’s dick off. Good lord, these two better fight.

Nice pull bro

Rob Stark– Married the finest girl we’ve seen so far. Kudos King of the North. Screw your Mom and her constantly furrowed brow.

How did the White Walkers not kill you?

Fat Boy– Being worthless and fat. Can’t run in the snow for some reason. It probably has something to do with his weight and bowl cut. He presumably shits his pants when he sees the white walkers for the first time, A.K.A. Tales of the Crypt Gandalf.

Shit is finally going down and I’m excited!