What Your MarioKart64 Character Says About You

6 Mar

Yoshi– You are a girl who has been allowed to play because the group needs a fourth and everyone is being nice because you are the girlfriend of one of the guys there. You like Yoshi because he is random and irreverent. He is quirky and doesn’t speak English. When he’s not racing go-karts, he wears skinny jeans and listens to “Foster the People” while adjusting the shutter speed on his old Nikon.

If you win…People will be furious that a girl controlling a goofy miniature dinosaur keeps beating them.

If you lose…Centuries long prejudice will be validated that girls aren’t good at sports and you will be asked to hand over the controller.

Luigi– You have an inferiority complex and are most likely under 5’8”. Some Hipsters pick Luigi because they think picking Mario is too mainstream. Fuck those people. Luigi is not meant to be some trending indie character, he is a Rudy type workhorse, a Dangerfieldesque “Don’t get no respect” racer. In the hands of a true believer, he can be a real weapon. When you see Luigi in the lead you can’t help but feel warm and fuzzy.

If you win…Everyone secretly loves to see Luigi’s face up there on the podium. “Atta boy Lu” they mutter under their breath.

If you lose…People won’t say anything, but a part of them will die slowly inside realizing that no matter the outcome, it will always be Mario’s Kart…64.

Toadstool– You are a closet homosexual. Seriously Toadstool? When you pick Toadstool you are saying one thing, I am lost in life and have no direction. I’m thinking about law school but have never been interested in law and hopefully the economy and job market will be better when I graduate.

If you win…People will turn the game off and go do something outside.

If you lose…People will laugh and cheer and frolic and drink and be merry and say things like “Oh, fuckin Toadstool huh! great choice idiot.”

Mario– You are an All-American. You are also sentimental and appreciate all that this small man has done for you and videogames over the years. Mario is the Patriots, Lakers and Yankees rolled into one. You must be humble and confident at the same time to really bond with this character. You believe if you work hard and say things like “Whoo hoo!” every so often your dreams will come true.

If you win…Everyone will cry foul play. Many believe that Mario has an unfair advantage because it’s his game. The following are a list of grievances leveled against Mario: Receives an unwarranted 4th mushroom, blue shells bounce off his kart, his star lasts two seconds longer than other characters, banana peels don’t slip him up, his green shells are heat seeking and finally he can steal your items without having a ghost. Needless to say you will not be getting props for taking home the gold.

If you lose…Competitors will rub it in your face. People who aren’t even playing will smile when they see Mario lose. Much like a highly touted draft pick who doesn’t pan out in the pros, people are quick to point out that he has all the tools to succeed, but can’t for some reason. A very underhanded “fuck you for picking Mario.”

Peach– You’re a really silly goose. What a silly goose you are. Look I’m going against the grain and picking a girl. Isn’t that silly? You guys get it right? I’m a boy picking a character who’s a girl. You see what I did there? There is one girl and I picked her…. Ok we all get it. You are a real rebel or Woman’s Study major or something. No one cares. I will say, however, that if someone is skilled with Peach, it can be one of the bigger mindfucks. You must also be a great shit talker. That combination can really wreck some havoc on competitor’s psyches.

If you win…Every one will question their manhood. It doesn’t matter how old or mature you are. No man at any age enjoys losing to a girl, even if it’s a boy controlling a girl character in a game.

If you lose… See Yoshi

Wario– You ‘re a dick. Plain and simple. Everything about Wario is obnoxious. From his voice and evil laugh down to his weight issues and gaudy yellow-purple suspenders. Wario is the anti-hero and somehow you identify with that. Is life in the upper middle class getting you down? You are over confident and make personal attacks on other players using information that was supposed to be confidential but is apparently appropriate fodder for a children’s go kart game. Fuck you Dave! I mean Wario.

If you win…People will genuinely dislike you. Not Wario, but you. Some unspecific competitor will slash the tires on your Explorer and claim he saw a couple of hoodlums milling about a few hours earlier with butterfly knives and silly string. But it’s only a game right?

If you lose…People’s hearts will soar. All that is good will be restored to a peaceful and happy world, but you don’t care because you are cold and soulless.

Bowser– You’re a tough guy.. I guess? People who choose villains and cherish the role have issues. You have clearly never played any Mario games and aren’t aware of the pain and hardship Bowser has caused everyone. You are artistic, but suck at videogames and think Bowser looks cool.

If you win…You implicitly endorse every dictator and their actions throughout history. You agree with the concept of genocide and ethnic cleansing and you will tell your children at the age of 16 months that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

If you lose…Bowser never lose!!! (German accent)

Donkey Kong– You are a chiller. A real cool dude. You prefer the Donkey Kong series to Mario and that’s why you pick DK. Either that, or you think it’s really amusing how uncomfortable he looks stuffed into his tiny go-kart. You don’t care if you win or lose because you know there is more to life.

If you win…You will roll a huge blunt and ask if any one wants a hit.

If you lose…You will roll a huge blunt, smoke it and quickly become disinterested in the game.

5 Responses to “What Your MarioKart64 Character Says About You”

  1. Moody March 6, 2012 at 9:06 pm #

    That’s a real mindfuck.

  2. Mathrastical March 7, 2012 at 8:07 pm #

    I remember the author of this post primarily choosing Mario and Princess, If I am correct.

  3. Ronald Visconti November 26, 2013 at 6:58 am #

    It’s great that you are getting ideas from this post as well as
    from our dialogue made here.

  4. Henry April 19, 2014 at 1:57 am #

    We absolutely love your blog and find nearly all of your post’s
    to be just what I’m looking for. Does one offer guest writers to write content to
    suit your needs? I wouldn’t mind creating a post or elaborating
    on some of the subjects you write related to here.
    Again, awesome website!

    • veryseriousbarista April 19, 2014 at 8:20 pm #

      Hey Henry,

      Glad you like the blog! Always nice to hear words of encouragement. I’m open to guest contributors. Send me some ideas or drafts and let’s see what we can do!
      Best, Andrew

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