1. DJ Quick“First you get the power, then you get the money, then you get the pussy, fool don’t be no dummy.”
After the 50th text off to nowhere and first date that does nothing for your mind or boner, I often put on DJ Quick’s “Hand and Hand” to try and inspire myself and gain some clarity. While Quick was probably not referring to his own online dating failures in the song, it serves as a reminder that while sex, romance and companionship are all worthy pursuits, they often come more naturally while pursuing other things. Power corrupts, and money is the root of all evil, but bitches love that shit, and plus, the song wouldn’t be nearly as good with a hook like, “First you nurture your career, then you handle your finances, then you put the penis in vagina! Don’t be foolish young man!”
1000 bucks for a weekend of pelvic thrusts
2. E-40“ Sometimes its cool to floss, but don’t buy an $80,000 car before you buy a house.”
While I can’t afford a moped or even a birdhouse, E-40’s slangy down-bay twang resonates. He is a man of priorities and is offering sound fiduciary advice. As most of us are not ambassadors to the Bay, balliticians or iconic rappers, let’s make the scenario more millennial appropriate. “Sometimes it’s cool to floss, but don’t buy tickets to Coachella before you pay rent!”
She digs it
3. Next“Baby when we’re grinding, I get so excited, oohhh how I like it, I try but I can’t fight it.”
This is a song about a guy getting an erection while dancing with a girl. The guy claims that if they continue dancing that way, he will be compelled to have sex with her right there on the dance floor. Wow. I wasn’t cool enough to have sex in public with girls at 13, but I was popping boners seemingly to every song I danced to. Between school dances, birthday parties and bar mitzvahs I estimate over 3000 boners popped during 7th grade, and I was embarrassed about it until Next taught me that is was OK. It is OK to get an erection while dancing and if the girl doesn’t like it, then she’s neither public sex nor take home to mom material.
Almost there buddy!
4. Freak Nasty Ho“ I put my hand up on your hip, when I dip you dip we dip…”
If you’ve danced with me, you know I have formidable moves. Girls are often left saying things like, “Wow, what moves.” Psst. I will let you in on a little secret. Step 1. Put your hand up on her hip. Step 2. Dip. Step 3. Hopefully she takes the hint and dips too. Step 4. Simultaneous dipping. Step 5. Dip down low and roll and grind.
My freshmen year drug dealer once awkwardly sang, “One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain.” Bob Marley and this idiot have clearly never been to a modern day house party where every fuckchuckler with an apple product fancies himself the resident Skrillex.
Generally speaking, there are three pillars to a good party: Booze, ratios, and music. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about the lack of females, but if the ratios are there and the BL Limes are flowing, there is no reason the party should not be cracking. Oh wait, there is some thinly dressed fellow plugging in his iphone and choosing…Sigur Ros!? And oh wait; he’s followed by an eager nymph who intends to move hips by throwing on some early Lykke Li?! What the hell is wrong with everyone? These people make good music in their own right, but did Dre and Snoop teach us nothing? They made songs that made even the staunchest feminist shake her ass and scream about getting cummed on. We all must realize, especially those whose thumbs are about to push play that there is music for listening and then there is music for sweating profusely, biting your shirt and grinding up on people.
Only you want to dance to rare flute music.
This message is for real DJ’s too. I have been to one too many warehouse parties and hep shindiggeries where the DJ and their friends are seemingly just trying to entertain one another. “I wonder what will happen if I put on this avant-garde flute record from the 1940’s?” Everyone will hate you. That’s what will happen. I honestly think there needs to be a school for DJ’s. Bartenders usually have to pass a course, why not DJ’s? If 50% of people aren’t dancing on any given night, your suratos are revoked until you learn the basics.
Ziggy Marley once said, “A party which never realizes its full potential due to faulty musical choices was never really a party at all.” Powerful stuff Ziggy. Let’s remember these wise words and be mindful of each other’s good time.
Sound check- If you aren’t a famous headlining band; keep that shit to a minimum. I watched an unknown group of idiots say, “1, 2” into a microphone while gesturing to some shadowy hipster in the back for over 25 minutes. This is unacceptable. Do you know how much negative anticipation is built? How awesome you have to be to justify 25 minutes of nonsense with waning arch support in my hep shoes? Pretty damn awesome, and they fell short. I was gone after the first song.
I want to start a group called The Soundchecks where all we do is dress in skinnies and swooping v’s and check the levels on stage, never actually playing more than a few chords in no particular progression. Most in the audience will detest our existence, but one scruffy shitgoat with an influential blog will coin us the Andy Kaufmanns of the indie music scene making us the hottest shit in Echo Park for a month. We will all date cute, malnourished women with pale skin and ride our iconoclastic status until we are pressured to finally release an actual song, which will be terrible, and eventually our lack of musical talent will force the group to take a break and reassess the merits of law school.
Rumpy Chaplin
Weird Chicks- Unlike clubs, bars and parties where women generally choose clothes that accentuate parts of their body, women at concerts around these parts tend to look like… Fill in the whoride.
- Indiana Jone’s understudy
- Your 5th grade production of Shakespeare’s The Tempest
- Punky Brewster’s foreign cousin, Rumpy Mooster
- Someone who collects recycling for a living
- An evil sustainable farmer
- Charlie Chaplin in less modern clothes
- An extra from a yet to be released indie film, “We’re Fucking Cooler Than You.”
I’ve seen girls wearing shorts that give them wedgies. Some wear things called rompers, which make it look like they have pooped themselves. Other times they wear something on their arm that looks like an androgynous skeletor…oops, that’s your boyfriend? My bad.
How dare you small girl!
The Ambience – This is of course contingent on the venue, but if I don’t have arch support, a good amount of booze and an exit strategy you better believe there will be some low-key freaking out on my part. One of the worst feelings in life is to be trapped in a crowd where everyone is more fucked up than you. It is intolerable. Every shoulder bump, foot smash, small girl’s aggressive elbow to your back is an affront to your humanity. Even the cute little white Pocahontas’ with their feather headdresses and adorable prancing get on your nerves. Call me square or close-minded, but I can’t just will myself to dance if I have no connection to the music or group. People who freely gangle about to any sequence of chords frighten me. All I ask for is beer under 7 bucks, a few attractive girls who aren’t completely fried and a bus route nearby if case The Soundchecks go on too long.
For a stout South Korean he sure has a lot of pep in his step. No, the catchy hook does not say, “bang her condom style,” although that would be a wonderfully effective safe sex campaign. This video has been hitting the internets hard and deservedly so. It’s a fun song with a lot of humor. Here is my top 3 moments
0:48- PSY wrapped in childish towel resting his head on another man, watching another man pop and lock.
1:39- PSY screaming at the girl in blue shorts. We have all felt like this. Some times a booty presents itself that is so indescribably dope that we must release a bit of carnal rage.
1:50- 2:05- Dance off! Are we supposed to know the dude in yellow? Is it a sly shout out for Korean music fans? Why does that man in the elevator make me so uncomfortable? Best part for me is after the dude in yellow clearly loses the dance off; he gets back in his Mercedes and throws up the deuces like he won.
Major Lazer- Pon De Floor
I recently found out that Eric Warheim of Tim and Eric fame directed this gem. That sheds a little more light on why this is so fucking weird, but it is really hard to properly deconstruct a cartoon orgy. Again, what makes this so great is the inventive theme combined with a great song.
0:10- Why does bizzaro Wesley Snipes look so sketchy? You know damn well that your friends are already in the house acting like perved out sex fiends, and you can’t wait to join them. Quit looking around all suspicious like.
2:08- Bizzaro Snipes showcases some serious pommel horse type moves on, over and around one of the haggard’s formidable behinds. If the fat booty pommel horse were an event at the Olympics, this dude would be in the running for gold. Let’s make this happen for Rio 2016!
2:29- I could have gone with Bizzaro Snipes jumping off the top rung of the ladder with his pants falling down onto a large woman, but let’s take time to enjoy one of his sketchy friends who impressed me with his lightning quick crab walk, which he then combos perfectly into a slow and sensual grind of a fat. Brought tears to my eyes.
Benny Lava- Take it Easy Policy
This video is bizarre, funny, dangerous, and features some of the greatest dancing I’ve seen in some time. The top comment of YouTube is, “Michael Jackson is the American Benny Lava” and it’s easy to see why. This malnourished pelvic thruster busts some crazy moves. My favorite sequence comes at the 3:09-3:25 mark.
0:45- Classic shoulder tap trick which introduces us to one of the strangest sidekicks of all time. He looks like he goes for the kiss, stops, and then I’m not sure if it was an editing gaffe but his breezay puts up her hand and he kisses that? Wacky.
1:44- Dear god, please take time to watch and re-watch every one of the faces/dances that these men are throwing down on top of the bus. Fun fact: This video is fucking dangerous. Half the scenes are complicated dance sequences on top of moving objects or in streets that have clearly not been shut down.
2:40- Is Benny preventing a suicide here? This just got deep, but the music stays light and fun so I don’t care too much. Is the sidekick mad because he has been rejected so many times that he thinks life is not worth living anymore? What did Benny tell his friend in two seconds that changed his mind and brought him down from the edge? High drama and high praise!
Genki Sudo- Boy Meets Girl
I feel like I could hang out with these guys. This is a strange romp and look into Japanese nightlife as it follows the synchronized escapades of 7 dudes in suits hollering at girls. Can’t really go wrong with the premise, although the novelty and charm of the robotic synchronization wears eventually. Still very entertaining.
1:00- Japanese robotic pelvic beer thrusts!
1:42- Three-man touch off beer pyramid handhold?
Quick note: How do none of these guys have Asian glow? They are going hard on the pints and Saki.
1:04- You think for a second that they might walk by the sweet ladies but NO!!! They make like a Nokia snake and wrap around back to the table to holler in unison. I will definitely use this technique soon.
Osmani Garcia- Chupi Chupi
Nothing like a 7-minute video featuring 17 rappers that talks about lollipops and pussy. This is a very chaotic yet entertaining look inside the world of… Puerto Rican space? Apparently they are in space and huge candy and infectious dance routines play a major role.
0:00- 0:48- Wait, how many people are going to be rapping in this video? 9000? Ok, just checking. I’m sure every one of you has an interesting take on sex, clothes and money.
1:48- Cue the black mailman. Or maybe he has a laptop bag. Is he meant to be in the video or was he just passing by and the director was like, “You know what we don’t have enough of in this video? People rapping.”
3:40- Cue the hipster lesbian. I can’t really believe I watched this far despite the catchy hook, but this girl provides the most interesting verse. No need to watch past this. Chupi Chupi is repeated for several minutes as the various rappers in Oakley’s stunt for the 7D.
Fun Fact: I don’t really like this video that much, but it is colorful and after I watched it I found myself doing the dance and yelling chupi chupi in the bathroom mirror, so clearly there is some magnetism here.
Gringotone- Muevelo Sexy
Whoa, who are these guys?!?! Shot on the top of the line Canon T3i, this masterpiece of cinema debuted in March of this year, and while it didn’t get the views it deserved, it sparked a revolution is filmmaking, acting, directing and musicianship. Film professors at NYU, Ridley Scott, Roger Ebert and hella bitches have praised this trail blazing bilingual duo for their uncanny resemblances to Jason Statham and Ryan Gosling, their other worldly utilization of the Meisner method and their next level understanding of Final Cut. Just great work all around.!!!
- I’ve always wanted to live where “Gettin’ Jiggy with it” was filmed and visit the shooting locations.
- I speak pretty alright Spanish which could help smooth over potential disputes with Cuban coke lords, or help holler at attractive Latinas who prefer blonde hair blue eyed devils to obese black rappers.
- I would add diversity to the crew. (Possible tax write off? I’m not sure. I don’t think that makes much sense actually)
- I want to be around girls with huge asses all the time
- I have a clean record. Think of all the cases I could catch for you. Speeding in your Aston Martin? No problem, lets switch seats, I got this one big guy. Assault and battery? Forget about it. Throw some brass knuckles on me and point the finger. Drug charges?! No fuckin problem!!! Dump cocaine on my face. My rap sheet is yours to fill, but I will only do this for you if I am well taken care of in prison. You know what that means. No butt play is what I’m getting at Rick.
- I used to freestyle battle in High School. I once rhymed dental plan with mental spam. I thought that was pretty cool. I could clearly provide light amusement and “Look at the White guy trying to do Black things” moments for you and your boys.
- I like Aston Martins and if I had money to blow fast, like if you gave me some kind of weekly allowance or per diem, I would surely blow it so fast.
- I took a NOLS Wilderness First Aid Responder course one summer. If you have any more health issues like that congenital heart failure episode on your private jet, I could…well I would be severely undertrained and ill prepared to help in that situation. Legally speaking, I shouldn’t even touch you if you were in cardiac arrest. If you cut yourself eating crab or something though, I would give you so many band-aids and words of encouragement.
- My Mom knows a speech therapist. If you ever wanted to not sound like evil Kermit the Frog on a whiskey bender she could hook up a discount. I mean its cool now, but when your rapping days are over it will just be creepy.
- We all know Miami breeds an unbearable sticky, humid heat. I can only imagine the amount of sweat that accrues under your belly and man tates. If you like I can scrub you down when you overheat and your XXXXL’s stick to your back……KIDDING Ricky! I have a sense of humor. I’m not like that, but seriously, how do you survive in Miami with all those rolls?
Well there you have it. Call it my plea, resume, wishful thinking or dementia. I would make an excellent member of your entourage and I await your call. Boss! Also this video inspired me to apply for the position.
This weekend I will head to Las Vegas carrying a 1-2 record against the city. My losses are mostly due to sunburns, lost money and an underwhelming buffet. My one win was hard fought and revolved around investing in stronger SPF and not playing roulette. Despite movies like the Hangover and highly embellished stories from your raver friends, Vegas isn’t all that wild and unpredictable. In fact, if I could bet on what would happen during my fourth encounter in Vegas, I would be a rich man. The following are my predictions for this weekend. On Monday I will post the actual results of the unhealthy adventure and we will all see how smart and conceited I am.
8:37 PM Friday: Arrive at Treasure Island slightly buzzed with pit stains developing.
8:59 PM Friday: Change into my sexy shirt, head down to Casino and immediately lose $75 @ Craps table.
10:45 PM Friday: Guy in Affliction T-Shirt asks me “What the fuck I’m staring at!”
12:25 AM Saturday: Make out with questionable looking drunk girl.
1:40 AM Saturday: Next “Too Close” is on. Dance in a weird circle with my friends, pit stains appear on my sexy shirt.
3:17 AM Saturday: Make a terrible order @ Denny’s
4:10 AM Saturday: Win $15 dollars in Craps; think I know how to win at Craps.
4:25 AM Saturday: Lose $110 at Craps. Definitely don’t know how to win at Craps.
5:45 AM Saturday: Painful rest.
9:45 AM Saturday: Awoken by friends who convince me to bet actual money on a three team parlay involving the Blue Jays, Coyotes and Royals.
10:30 AM Saturday: Watch first two innings of a Royals game, want to cry and throw up, can’t decide which yet.
11:18 AM Saturday: Go to pool, apply sunscreen, look like a geisha girl, listen to LMFAO.
11:45 AM Saturday: LMFAO is still on, how is this possible?
1:54 PM Saturday: Put $10 on black in Roulette, win. Feel like a fucking king. Buy Pastrami sandwich with my earnings.
4:27 PM Saturday: Buy expensive Aloe Vera, receive word the Blue Jays have lost and drive home sun burnt.
I love Tupac. I loved him when he was a murderous lunactic in Juice. I loved him when he lived in Marin County (very affluent region of the Bay Area) and still repped Thug Life. I loved him when he refused Janet Jackson’s request for an AIDS test during Poetic Justice. I loved him as a dancer for Digital Underground and I especially loved Tupac when he was shouting that he fucked Biggie’s Bitch in “Hit em Up.” Hologram Tupac? Not so much.
Hologram Pac really freaked me out. As is the case with most technological advances these days, there is a 25% Wow that is so cool how did they do that factor, and a 75% Orwellian, crap my pants want to punch a Software Engineer in their face creepy factor. I reacted the same way when Google recently announced their Glasses Project. “Wow this is so cool…wait….wait no, this is getting creepy…I’m uncomfortable now…and we’re turning it off.” I think a lot of my discomfort came from the fact that Snoop was on stage performing with the hologram.
Despite Hologram Pac rocking Tims and baggy pants (Come on Hologram wardrobe guys, It’s 2012, I think we all wanted to see Pac in skinny jeans and a deep V by now) I was leaning toward the 25%, this is cool factor during his first song when he was solo. Then Snoop slinked on for “2 of Amerika’s Most Wanted” and things got uncomfortable. Snoop meandered thru the duet fine enough, but what the hell was going through his head during that time? Snoop and Pac were very good friends by all accounts, so to have his buddy resurrected in eerily accurate 3-D next to him must have been a real mind fuck.
If I was walking around my neighborhood and a hologram of my dead Labrador Harley appeared next to me, sniffing flowers and pooping everywhere I would freak out and be super uncomfortable. I would curse whichever demon of the underworld brought this spitting image of my old friend back to my side. I certainly wouldn’t be like, “Ahh yeaaaaa Harley’s back! Let’s show ‘em how we do it on the West coast nephew!” I would be angry. I would tear up, and I certainly would have never consented to a hologram version of my dog if someone asked me. Maybe Snoop didn’t have a choice in the matter but I can’t imagine he thoroughly enjoyed the experience, and neither did I.
The rest of the performance I was left to ponder the future of Hip Hop and holograms. First of all, if I was hammered at Coachella and a crazy ass hologram of Tupac appeared on stage, I would have gone NUTS. Now maybe there wasn’t good sound pick up on the video, but the crowd reaction seemed subdued for the most part, which leads me to believe that there is an increasing number of Hip Hop listeners that don’t know Tupac and his music. This makes me sick. I don’t think Hip Hop is dead, and I’m not some curmudgeon of the oldish school that dismisses everything new that comes out just because it has the word “swag” in it, but when Pac is rapping, hologram or not you go NUTS.
We’ve all heard about phoning in performances, but what about hologramming it in? What is to stop artists in the future from recording their sets in some studio or production house and then projecting those performances on stages to audiences around the world? It’s essentially like lip-synching, but with awesome graphics and effects. Would fans pay to see a hologram version of their favorite rapper? A couple more heart attacks and Rick Ross might have to seriously consider this option. I know I wouldn’t pay, but a younger generation might.
My last thought during the show lead me down a dark and twisted path. When this hologram technology becomes available in some app for the Iphone 7, I will use it to play a glorious prank on my roommate. Imagine being fast asleep, snug as a bug under your blankies dreaming the sweetest of dreams. All of a sudden, you are awoken to a hologram of Hitler above your bed addressing a beerhouse full of angry Germans. Oh the possibilities are creepy and endless.
“When I met ya I admit my first thoughts was to trick, you look so good huh, I suck on your daddy’s dick.”
Well that’s pretty foul. This is what you lead your verse with? How did Puffy and Junior Mafia not stop you from saying this? I had a friend say he thought Chandler from Friends was cute in 1999 and we haven’t let it go since. Even if I were the janitor at the studio where that song was recorded and knew I would lose my job by telling Biggy what I thought of the line, I would still say something to Biggy about that line! How did this happen? Truly baffling.
Layzie Bone “1st of Da Month”
“Wakin’ up feelin’ buzzed off up early mornin’ stretchin’ I’m yawnin’ lightweight bent chugga lugga take a fifth to the dome.”
Come on Layzie Bone. I refuse to believe you wake up and immediately consume a fifth of alcohol. That’s gross and I’m pretty sure you would black out. There would be no rest of the day to smoke blunts and hang out with the other bones. You would have serious alcohol poisoning. You would spend the first, second and most likely third of da month getting your stomach pumped and paying hospital bills.
Dr. Dre “Still Dre”
“Hit my boys off with jobs, no more living hard barbeques every day driving fancy cars.”
While Dre paints us a utopian scene of shirked duties and splendor, he overlooks the fact that having a BBQ every day would be exhausting and most likely impossible. Everyday Dre? Are you talking about just grilling your food, or actually inviting guests over? I couldn’t imagine constantly checking in with people to see if they are coming to your BBQ and also just being prepared and ready at all times to barbeque. I think by the 4th consecutive day of barbequing Dre’s boys would stop coming over and might even look for a job. I just picture this nightmarish scenario in which Dre’s homies are forced to eat his BBQ for eternity, and if they don’t they lose their fancy cars.
Mystikal “Move Bitch”
“Hit the stage and knock the curtains down, I fuck the crowd up-that’s what I do.”
What a horrible man. Mystikal is telling us that every time he performs he tears down the curtains and fucks the crowd up? Good lord that sounds awful. How does he keep getting gigs? When I listen to this song I imagine an angry Mystikal picking out some unsuspecting fan, leaping into the crowd and pummeling them until they cry, but hey, that’s just what he do.
Nas “Halftime”
“Versatile, my style switches like a faggot, but not bi-sexual, I’m an intellectual.”
This is one of those lines that make you stop listening to the rest of the song and try to figure out what the hell Nas is talking about. First off, Nas isn’t versatile. He is an incredible rapper, but sticks to his gritty Queens street storyteller style for the most part. Then he insinuates that homosexuals switch somehow. Is heterosexual the default setting? I know there was a lot of homophobia in rap in the 90’s, but damn come on Nas, it doesn’t work like that, you’re a smart guy. In fact, he is an intellectual, NOT a bi-sexual. It’s almost as if he realizes his faux-pas mid line, but instead of re-writing it, uses what can only be described as the earliest form of a “no homo” by explaining he is NOT bi-sexual, which everyone knows is sexually the furthest removed you can get from being gay. We got it Nas.
Big Tymers “#1 Stunna”
“[Baby] James Bond, Jackie Chan and that bitch MacGyver. [Wayne] Private planes, Jaguars, Bentleys and Prowlers.”
I laugh really hard every time I hear this hook. What do the Big Tymers have against MacGyver? He is # 1 stunna’ish enough to make it into the trifecta with Bond and Chan, but something about MacGyver makes him a huge bitch in their eyes. I’m guessing mullet and jean jacket pant combo. If I could ask God one question it would be why does Baby from Big Tymers think MacGyver is a bitch. I really want to know. Badly. Honorable mention grossness goes to Weezy for boasting about Jaguars and Plymouth Prowlers. Oh late 90’s rap.
