Halloween hasn’t been the same since the great big baby debacle of ’06. I dressed in a child’s onesy with a pillow zipped in. You know…cause fat is funny. I then proceeded to drink 90 shots of Jack and attempt the riskiest Halloween night move, the costume change. I thought the crack head, Tyrone Biggums, of Chappelle Show fame would be funnier, so I got a red beanie, put baking soda around my mouth and applied chocolate bar “doo-doo” stains to my backside…you know, cause poop is funny. In true Hallows eve fashion, I frightened many people that night with my aggressive gibberish and gangly attacks on unsuspecting friends and females. I ended up losing my digital camera and just a shred of dignity, but gained a blog post 6 years later so it all evens out. Anyway, here are some last minute costume ideas.
I guess the bus is optional as well.
- (Dress optional. Black face discouraged) Basically you’re at a party and you wait until someone gets up from their seat and take it. When they return to reclaim their seat, you refuse to give it up and make a big fuss citing inadequate civil liberties. Once the partygoer is properly confused and angry, you let him know who you are. If he gets mad, then he is racist, if he doesn’t, then you get a seat and props for a sweet ‘stume.
Pretty much the same thing
- Go around calling people hurtful and racially insensitive names. Try to make as little sense as possible and when flustered or in doubt, make bold political claims in reference to nothing.
I have 25 years of business experience.
- Topical costume alert! Air horn! Dress as a robot with a suit and tie and make wildly vague claims all night. Pretend to malfunction periodically and in a robot voice keep saying, “I can balance a budget” over and over.
If you are a big group, you can assemble yourselves as Mitt’s cyborg sons and name yourselves weird things like Tag and Jib…oh wait.
Sexy Vending Machine
Like this, but sexier.
- Didn’t think I would leave the sexy costume out did you? You crazy. This is a gender friendly sweet ensemble with a twist. You simply cut out cardboard in a vending machine shape, mark the appropriate letters and numerals and attach candy to the cardboard. If you are feeling R rated, much like an adult piñata, you can add things like lube, condoms and butt plugs. Is that a natural progression?
Yea buddy. It’s brutal.
- There is always a too soon costume. This one might be it. Wear a cyclist’s outfit, short shorts with tight shirt and helmet and TONS of tinfoil medals around your neck. Behave questionably all night and have your friends strip you of all your medals.
Doing too much option: Wear and give out inspirational wristbands that read, “Livewrong.”
Have fun and hold onto those cameras and iphones!