Chances of Winning: Crap Shoot. For all his apparent weaknesses, let’s not discount old man strength. It is very real and science has yet to prove why.
Sweat Machine– Pray to God you don’t guard this dude. His shirt is soaked through by the time the ball is checked. By game two it looks like he has a season pass to raging waters and forgot his towel.
Chances of Winning: High. If Sweat Machine is on your team you are golden. No one wants to guard some guy who looks like he just got slimed on a Nickelodeon game show.
Lorax– Drunken bums add a certain excitement to the game. They smell, they curse and employ interesting defensive tactics like dropping trout mid play. There is no way to avoid the Lorax because often times he makes his home in the park you play at.
Chances of Winning: Pack it in. If you start to smell Gilby’s vodka, the Lorax is near. Miss your free throw shot and sit this one out or go home. He is going to be the coach, point guard, commentator and crazy person all in one. You won’t touch the ball and you might even have your 5th metatarsal broken as he slams into you screaming about bagels.
High Guy– It’s difficult to tell what the High Guy is actually on, but his eyes are glossy and he generally responds with only head nods. His movements are erratic and he has a hard time catching passes.
Chances of Winning: Slim. Although he is sometimes capable of incredible feats of inexplicable basketball beauty, High Guy generally misses very badly and lacks the stamina to get back on D.
High Schooler in Vans– This kid is usually on his High School Varsity team and mocks everyone on the court older than 18 by wearing flimsy skateboard shoes. While most guys’ ankles are one unimpressive lateral cut away from reconstructive surgery, this joker scampers around the court like he’s never heard of arch support.
Chances of Winning: Medium. While usually one of the most athletic players on the court, the high schooler in vans can sometimes be too cool for school as evidenced by him wearing FUCKING VANS TO PLAY BASKETBALL!
The Accessorizer– He’s got a sleeve, headband, authentic jersey, mouth guard and neck tattoo, and he works at P.F. Changs. Wait, so you aren’t in the NBA and you wear all that shit seriously?
Chances of Winning: Stay away from this dude. He will take countless “NBA range” 3’s throughout the game, try behind the back passes that either hit your shoes or face and then gets mad at you for missing a reasonable 10 foot jumper.
Little Dude– Get this kid off the court. Where are the parents? Unless I’m getting paid the going baby sitter rate, I’m not trying to play with anyone under 12.
Jeremy Lin Inspired Asians– Up until 4 months ago this would have just been titled, “Asians.” I have played with plenty of talented Asians, but after Linsanity blew up, their swag is through the roof. Half court shots, 360 degree dunk attempts, and timeouts are all possibilities nowadays.
Chances of Winning: I love Linsanity, but cool the jets boys. I understand the excitement. I have been waiting for the great white hope ever since I saw the Coaches’ son hit the game winning shot for Valparaiso in 1998. All we’ve gotten since is Greg Ostertag and I’m not happy about it.
Ref Player– No one cares if you googled ‘NBA rulebook.’ No one cares if you went to Todd Bozeman and Ben Braun basketball camp and have NBA season ticket because you are a “student of the game.” WE ARENT IN THE NBA!! We are at a Middle School in Burbank with an ice cream truck that won’t shut up. Stop calling traveling, fouls, and 1’s, carries, jump balls and goaltending. Just stop.